How To Joke Like A Kiwi

So, my friend from New Zealand, (http://acrystalsscrapbook.blogspot.co.uk/), has been sending me lots of stuff about New Zealand over the past couple of days. It started with a report on the terrible Marmite Shortage (That's not the joke, that was real) and it kind of descended into slightly racist humour between Kiwis and Aussies. But there was one joke that really tickled me. It's not overly racist, it's just very clever and the punchline, although slightly predictable now that I think about it, had me in stitches. But to be balanced, I will also share an Aussie joke she shared with me too.

So for all you Kiwis and Aussies, here are a couple of jokes.

Kiwi Joke

A Pom, an Aussie and a Kiwi are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for consuming the booze they are all sentenced to death. However, after many months and with the help of good lawyers, they are able successfully to appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the benevolent sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the sheikh announced, “It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.”

The Pom was first. He thought for a while, then said, “Please tie a pillow to my back.”

This was done, but the pillow lasted only 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done, the Pom had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Aussie was next up. After watching the Pom’s horror, he said smugly, “Please fix two pillows to my back.” But even two pillows could take only 15 lashes before the whip went through and the Aussie was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The Kiwi was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the sheikh turned to him and said, “You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest. For this, you may have two wishes!”

“Thank you, your most royal and merciful highness,” the Kiwi replied. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20 lashes but 100 lashes.”

“Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave,” the sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish”?

“Tie the Aussie to my back..."

Aussie Joke

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.

"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!"

Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad... Brutain?..."

PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"

Hilth Munister: "What about Australia?"

PM: "Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck."

Hilth Munister: "You call John Howard - tell hum we need one moollion condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll know how bug the Kiwis really are!!"

Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need.

Three days later a plane arrives in Auckland - full of boxes.

A delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold. She then notices in small writing on each and ivery one.........

MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM

I love knowing a Kiwi.

See you next time!