Dear Patrick

So, a friend of mine (http://squishedlife.blogspot.co.uk/) wrote a post last month which was a letter to her future daughter imparting certain pieces of advice to her possible future little girl. I've done something similar in the past with my original composition "Molly's Lullaby" but I haven't exactly written anything for a possible future son of mine. So I thought I'd do that now. In the form of a prose letter.


Dear Patrick, my darling little boy.

At least that's what you'll be called if I get my way with your name. But if you have an older sister called Molly then your name's likely to be different. But I'll explain that when you're a little older.

I'm writing this to you because you're likely to make mistakes and mess up a bit. We're men. It's in our nature. But I want to impart some advice to you which I think will benefit you in the long run because it's benefited me. Take it if you will but I'm saying this nonetheless.

So here goes.

1. Make as many friends as you can. But be discerning with the company you keep. Even though I had friends, I was still a lonely little boy. Being a small child in primary school is great because you're friends with pretty much everyone and you'll make loads of friends. But when you reach secondary school you have to be careful with the friends you keep because, just like you, they will change. And you may find you don't like the same things anymore or their attitude towards you changes. But that's fine. I lost a few of my best friends in primary school and was reunited with them in secondary and it's one of the best decisions I ever made. But people are funny and fickle. Just as you will be. Make friends left, right and centre but be careful of the ones you keep.

2. I was bullied, your mum was probably bullied, you'll probably be bullied too. I'm not saying it's a certainty but it's very possible. If that happens, do NOT let it get to you. There are reasons people bully others and, more often than not, it's because something bad has happened to them. But that is not an excuse. If you are bullied, don't worry. It's part of life. But rise above it. ALWAYS rise above it because the bully is really not worth your time or energy. Life is too short to engage in petty little conflicts over the notion your eyes may be slightly wonky or that your hair might be ginger. You are who you are and no-one will ever change that. No-one has the right to.

3. Stay neutral. You may start to notice as you get older that I'm a very political person. Well, I studied it at university. But, when you understand what it is, you may think that I sound like a Communist. I promise you I'm not. I'm not a Communist but I am a leftie so to speak. When it comes to politics, I'm incredibly outspoken about what I think should happen and some of this will rub off on you no doubt because my Mum was like that and it's rubbed off on me. But with this ability to speak out openly about your ideals there comes a responsibility with that. Not everyone is going to agree with you all the time. You will come across people with ideals to you political or not political. And you may feel frustrated by this. But you must always respect what other people think. No matter how stupid they are or how ridiculous their argument sounds, they are just as entitled to an opinion as you are. And you must respect everyone you meet even if they do not respect you.

4. You will NEVER understand women. I have never understood my mother. I have never understood my ex-girlfriends. I will never understand your mother, your sister or any other woman I will meet. And guess what kid, you won't either. Of course, I'm writing this with the notion in my head that you will be heterosexual. There is every chance you won't be and whatever you choose I will love you and be proud of you nonetheless! But if you do end up being attracted to women, just remember that there are certain things you shouldn't do with them. 

- Never treat her badly. I like to think I've never done this to any of my ex-girlfriends but you still shouldn't. A woman is not a toy or an object to play with. They are human beings with human feelings and human emotions. They're not subservient, subhuman or anything of the sort. And they have every right to life as you do. Treat her nicely. And, if she's a good egg, she'll treat you right too. So never treat her badly, abuse her or anything of the sort.

 - If things don't work out and you're on a break, don't go out with someone else two weeks afterwards. I did this. And it's one of the worse mistakes I've ever made. I'm not proud of this because I really cared for the person I was with initially. It's more complicated than how I've explained it here but this was the gist of it and it's damaged our friendship forever. It's not funny, it's not cool and it's not clever. Because it's not fair on her, not fair on you, and not fair on the person you've gone out with instead! And while we're on this story, believe me when I say, Karma's a bitch. Don't make my mistakes.

- Never cheat on her. No matter how tempting. Never do it. You have no idea as to the chain reaction that sets off. I've watched three of my closest friends cheated on repeatedly so I know what it can do to a person. The person I was on a break with is solidly convinced I cheated on her. I didn't. I never would. Because I know it can do. If you do cheat on her, you and I are having words. Because it doesn't just make her feel used and dirty, it also makes you feel the same in the long run. If you're having doubts, work them out or just end it. That's much nicer than cheating on her. Don't you think?

5. You can do whatever job you want within reason. I'll be proud of you nonetheless. If all goes to plan, I'm a teacher when you're reading this. But I don't imagine you'll want to do that! As long as you work hard for it, you can do whatever you want to! If you want to be an actor, go for it! If you want to be a doctor, fab! If you want to be a high-class rent-boy...well...there are limits. But you can be anything you want to be if you put your mind to it. (Except if you want to be a rent-boy. I strongly advise against this...) Don't feel you have to do something related to my career or your mums just to make us happy. Do what makes you happy. I'll support you all the way.

6. Don't judge people. There's no point. Life's too short. And who are you to judge people? People are going to judge you all of the time. So be the bigger person, accept everyone for who they are. Even if you don't like or agree with them.

7. Love your family. Love me, love your mum, love your siblings. Your mum and I will have a different concept of family and our family will be different to everyone else's. But we'll love you. And we're always going to stick by you no matter what. We will fight. Course we'll fight. But it won't change a thing. Humans have the amazing capacity to work through anything if all sides are willing to work at it. And, annoying though families are, we can work through anything. I'm always willing to try if you are, kid. 

8. You be whoever you are no matter what anyone says. Connected to number 2 in a way. Every single person is different in every respect. You will like different TV shows to others, different singers, different foods, different languages, different types of toilet paper, anything. But that doesn't matter. Because what a bloody boring world it would be if we all liked the same stuff! So who cares what you like? So you might like Doctor Who. You might like ABBA. You might like Corrie instead of EastEnders but that doesn't matter. You should always be proud of who you are. You want to join a fandom? Join a fandom! You want to take up ballroom dancing? Take up ballroom dancing! (In fact I'll do it with you!) Never be scared, ashamed or sad about who you are. I had that phase and I've only recently gotten out of it. And, trust me, it feels great when you come to terms with that. And if people speak out against you or bully you for it, forget them. They're not worth your time or energy. 

As John Lennon once sang: "Before you go to sleep, say a little prayer, every day in every way, it's getting better and better" and "Life is just what happens to you while you're busy making other plans". They're fairly good mantras to have. And he's right. I haven't been very happy this past year but now I think I'm out the other end. And it's opened up so many possibilities. You'll probably go through the same thing too. So that's why I've written this. To let you know everything's going to be ok and you'll be absolutely fine. Every day, in every way, it gets better and better!

So, that's all I can say really. Any other advice you may want or need you can just ask me in person. I'm always here no matter what, day or night, whether I'm marking essays or watching Doctor Who. I'll always listen and I'll always try and help. But until then, I look forward to watching you grow up, playing rugby with you in the park and watching Doctor Who with you on a Saturday morning before we go shopping. And I look forward to your first day of school, your first school play (dire though it's likely to be) and your first word. Because that's what being a parent is from what I've observed. Waiting for those moments worth remembering until your deathbed.


Until this time, adieu. Be good and I'll see you soon.

From Dad.


*This won't be half as good as Iska's letter but this is what I think men should be concerned about. We're a fairly easy folk but I think this covers most things I'd want my son to know anyway. So take from it what you will! Until next time, see you!