Ducks By The Lake [Part One: Prologue]

You need to start paying attention...

It's an interesting dilemma isn't it? You're born, you grow up, make a load of mistakes along the way and, eventually, you try to become some kind of high-functioning humanoid who can go out into the wide world and make the most out of it. At least, that's what we were told when we were little. Don't you remember? Don't you remember that this world is beautiful and diverse and articulate? I remember being told that. Many moons ago. Long before I had the opportunity to meet my girlfriend, who would become my fiancee, who would become my wife, who would become the mother of my children. Before I had the opportunity to change my job at regular intervals to accommodate our changing circumstances. Before I had the chance to have a "life".

Well, what is a life now? What does life mean? It's taken for granted. Or at least that's how it seems to me. Something which people believe is some kind of a birthright and something they must hang onto at any cost. Long gone are the days when people believed that they were champions from the moment of conception because they were the sperm that won. Long gone are the days where people believed life was something to be cherished. It's all long gone. Now, it's all about breathing, eating, shitting and sleeping. There's no finesse to it anymore if there ever was any. If it's not about the aforementioned pastimes it's about getting the next big thing. It has been since the last century started. 100 years of the same old thing time and time again. I'm not even sure if anyone's aware of what an iPod is anymore.

Of course there are reasons as to why no-one enjoys life now. How can you enjoy something which isn't yours and probably never was? Everything's controlled now. Jobs, politics, the environment, money, everything. Not like some kind of Orwellian nightmare or anything. Well, actually, if Issac Asimov wrote 1984 then that's the kind of world one could compare it to. But ever since all the nations of the world employed robots on a permanent basis, humanity has become irrelevant. Because robots are programmed to do human jobs, better. No matter what it is.

It started off small with robots being introduced into construction work and maintenance work. The London Underground was the first major network to introduce robots to their workforce and it just kind of spread from there. Soon you had robot chefs, robot teachers, even robot politicians. The whole Government of Britain is run by robots now. (Which is sort of good in a sense because at least the robots are programmed to think logically rather than by trial and error). Soon it spread globally until eventually, humanity was phased out altogether. Now, we're all just ducks by the lake. Sitting there bobbing along on the surface without any real purpose to life except to produce kids and eat bread constantly.

I can't stand robots. Smug bastards. You know, back in the 21st century, people were concerned about Eastern Europeans coming over and taking all the jobs. They used to get really riled up about it! But no-one said a word about the robots. While the Eastern Europeans were described as "immigrants" or "money grabbing scumbags", the robots were simply called "progress". Now isn't that funny. I remember an incident when I was 14 years old about a flight that came into Heathrow carrying Romanian workers and Romanian robots. All of the humans were stopped at the airports and given background checks, 2 were even deported because of a slight error on the form. The robots were not even touched. It was like some kind of technological apartheid. The same reason for coming over yet only one group was scrutinized. Look me in the eye and tell me that's right.

My first proper experience with a robot was while I was teaching in a primary school. I'd been teaching for 8 years at this point and, the year before, the coalition Government (a coalition between the Conservatives and the leading political "think tank"...robot...) decided it would be a good idea to allow robots into schools to become teachers. New models were programmed with the national curriculum and various different discipline methods in order to satisfy the criteria for the job. The only thing they lacked was, ironically, the human touch. So any teaching droid was partnered for a short time with a qualified teacher to observe the human practice of teaching so that they could refer to it at a later date.

Needless to say, most teachers were furious. Headteachers however were overjoyed at the prospect because now any low grade sustained in a school could be put down to "human error" rather than the fact that the schools were spending the money on banal shit like a new robot only area where robot teachers (and robot children) could relax without fear of persecution. Teachers were also annoyed at the prospect because, frankly, the robots were trying to be smarter than the teacher. You'd plan a lesson for months on end making sure everything was ok, only for a cocky robot to undo it all in one comment.

My day began with one of the boys bringing in a cricket bat from playtime and trying to hit another child over the head with it. He was already a problem child but it wasn't helping that he was doing this today. I told him off, he argued back, I confiscated the cricket bat. I put it behind my chair for safe keeping and so I could keep an eye on anyone who tried to retrieve it. The lesson was sex education. Very much a human topic but, nevertheless, the robot sat in and observed. Something which I found rather creepy. It's weird knowing there's a robot in the room observing you. You see it there with its cold dead eyes staring back at you, it's very off-putting. But I carried on regardless. I liked to think of myself as a professional person and carried on through the discomfort. But today was not the day to trifle with me.

I was already annoyed at the fact that bat boy had tried to concuss a fellow student but earlier that day I was stopped by a robot policeman for speeding. I'm always VERY careful with my driving as I always had my two young children in the car with me. I didn't want to risk their lives by speeding in any capacity so I always kept to the speed limit. But this bloody robot was convinced I was speeding by over 10 mph. Luckily, his partner was a human and told me that my details were on file and they'd contact me if I was indeed speeding. So I was already on edge.

So, understandably, it didn't help when I was giving the talk during sex education that my "partner" was shaking its head the entire time as if I was saying everything wrong. I had to get it off my chest because it was seriously starting to rile me up...

"I'm sorry, have I forgotten something?!"

The robot got itself off the chair and found its way to my desk where I joined it.

"The details you are giving on the subject do not correlate with the data I have stored in my core files".

"Don't take this the wrong way, but I think I have considerably more experience in this matter than you do".

"Experience of human copulation is not relevant at this time. What you are teaching the children does not correlate to the data I have stored in my core files".

"It doesn't correlate. Right. So what are you saying exactly?"

In hindsight, I probably should not have asked this question, given what happened next.

"The results of my analysis of your performance in compliance with the national curriculum and state regulation set up by the ruling Government show that you are not teaching the correct material to the children. Something which is a detriment to their overall understanding of the subject as well as their overall education and performance in future examinations".

"I'm teaching it WRONG?! You're a robot! You don't even do stuff like that! Think you could do better, Bicentennial Man?!"

"Insults are not required at this time".

"Not required? I'm insulted by the very notion you're making! Do you know how long I've been teaching this subject? Hmm? I've been a teacher for 8 years! I was teaching when your torso was still being mined out of a cave in Southern Africa! I have much more experience than you do and I know exactly what I'm doing because, contrary to what you're "analysis" shows, I know the national curriculum! I have trained for years to understand and know the curriculum inside and out. So don't you DARE tell me I'm teaching this subject wrong".

"Experience of the national curriculum is not relevant at this time. I have been specially designed and implemented to know and use the national curriculum to any level between the ages of 4 and 18. What you are teaching the children at the current time is wrong and in direct violation of my programming given to me by the Government of the United Kingdom of England, Wales and Northern Ireland".

"OK, I will not have a piece of machinery with no idea what it's like to be a teacher come here and tell me that I'm doing the job I've held for 8 years wrong. It is not acceptable in any way shape or form. Now you will stand down or I will report you for developing a fault in your programming!"

"Experience of teaching is not relevant at this time. The results of my new analysis regarding your current conduct towards me as a fellow member of staff show that you are being unprofessional according to the state regulation set up by the Department of Education, an office of central Government. I am now duty bound to report you to the headmaster of the school and recommend an immediate inquiry into your behaviour and conduct since your joining of this establishment".

I smashed the fucker with the cricket bat. And since robots got given basic citizenship two years previously, I had to spend 3 weeks in prison on an assault charge. In my defence, he wanted me to be professional.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I hate robots. But there was something much more sinister going on with them. I know I sound like a bonkers conspiracy theorist but I was sure of it. I could feel it in my sinews. In my gut. And, one way or another, I fully intended to find out what it was...