Two versions of the same story. Two realities. In which one am I being honest?
My name is Joshua Frampton. I'm 19 years old. I'm originally from Dorset but I currently live in Hampshire. I'm 20 in July. I have an obsession with Doctor Who, Queen and Wales. And I have something obviously wrong with me.
I may have mentioned it before, I may not have. But I have something called Asperger's Syndrome. Which is a form of Autism. I was diagnosed with it when I was 7 after being initially diagnosed with ADHD. My mum told me about it as early as she could, even though I didn't really understand until many years afterwards. But, as far as I was concerned back then, I was different. And that was wrong. I went through school trying my best to make friends and, although I didn't have too many problems, I still stuck out like a sore thumb. And I was bullied. I never quite understood why I was, so I just thought it was because I was different.
Then I went to secondary school and I knew the same thing would happen. Only this time, I understood why I was different. I tried to make friends but everyone thought I was weird. They couldn't understand why I ran around at lunchtimes and spoke to the gym doors. They didn't understand why I thought differently to them and they didn't understand why I couldn't get some things they were saying. Or why I didn't like being touched. So I was bullied again. And again. Until I couldn't take it any more. I just tried to be as quiet as I could. If I didn't draw attention to myself then no-one would know I was there. I'd just be the weirdo in the corner.
One day, we started reading 'The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Night-Time' as a class in English. If you don't know what it's about, it's about a boy with what I've got, only more pronounced. Soon after we started reading it, people started to put two and two together. Until, eventually, one of my peers asked me if I had Autism. I could've said no but I don't like lying. So I admitted to it.
It soon went round our year that I had this thing and my reputation went from "the Doctor Who freak" to "the Autistic Doctor Who freak". Not much better but it was a start.
My colleagues started to become more accepting and understanding of me and made my life a lot easier now that they had a reason for why I was like I was. Except for one or two people but there's also a small amount isn't there.
As I went through the latter half of secondary school. I started to be more open about my Aspergers and I gained notoriety as being the one who knew most about it among the students. If anyone wanted to know something about Autism, they'd come to me. And I'd be happy to outwardly. But inwardly, I was still very scared.
I put on a brave face every day. Because I know I have what I have. I like to think, with the help of my mum, that I've managed to overcome it. But, the truth is, I haven't. I've just learnt how to lie well. I have this bravado of being normal. When people find out I have what I have they say "oh wow, I couldn't tell". I normally tell them "I've had a lifetime to deal with it". The truth is, I just get better at lying every day.
Sometimes, I look on Facebook and I see that some woman has said that people with Autism are a punishment from God because we're allowing same-sex marriage or that Autism is a disease that can be cured with certain methods.
Everytime I see this, I act offended and I pretend to get angry with it but all I really want is to believe this. I want to believe that what I have can be cured. Because I don't like what I have. I don't like the fact I have this disease and that I'm something different. I want to be like everyone else! I want to be able to have a joke with people where I can understand what they're saying. I want to be able to have a conversation without feeling awkward and I want to be able to walk down the street without being bombarded with all the loud noises that drive me insane. I just this gone.
I make this whole act up just so people don't get concerned about me. I've held this act now for 7 years and I'm getting tired of it. I pretend to care about my family and friends because that's what they expect me to do. So I feign it. All the time. I pretend to be who I am. Everything I say or do is a lie.
"I've had a bad day!" Oh have you? Too bad.
I just don't know how to empathize or to care for someone else. I've tried to care but I just can't. I'm like a robot. Maybe if I was cured I could actually feel some kind of human emotion? Then I wouldn't need to be targeted by those people who think my very existence is a sin! I've spent my life trying to fit in with everyone else but I know I never can because of this stupid thing I've got!
If what I've got is a disease then, where the hell did I get it from? Did I get it from my mum? My dad? Someone else? Maybe I scraped my arm on something and caught my Aspergers?! If all these things I read on Facebook are true then maybe I am just an abomination? Maybe I am a punishment from God? By why did God punish me? What did I do wrong to deserve this shitty existence?
Either way I just want it gone! It's been hard trying to cope with it, it's been harder keeping up the act that I am coping. I just want whatever cure they can give me and just get it over with because I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want Asperger's Syndrome.
I just want it gone...
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