Asperger's Syndrome [Part 2/3]

Two versions of the same story. Two realities. In which one am I being honest?

My name is Joshua Frampton. I'm 19 years old. I'm originally from Dorset but I currently live in Hampshire. I'm 20 in July. I have an obsession with Doctor Who, Queen and Wales. And I have something wonderful that you'd never have known unless I told you.

I may have mentioned it before, I may not have. But I have something called Asperger's Syndrome. Which is a form of Autism. I was diagnosed with it when I was 7 after being initially diagnosed with ADHD. My mum told me about it as early as she could, even though I didn't really understand until many years afterwards. But, as far as I was concerned back then, I was different. And, at the time, I thought that was wrong.

Well, you know what it's like when you're a kid. You get picked on and you think of the only reason you can. In my case, it's because I was different. And if you're told something often enough it starts to become the truth in your mind. So I believed it for many years. Naturally.

When I joined secondary school, I did try and keep quiet about what I had. Because of the mentality I'd brought with me from primary school. I mean, how could you explain Asperger's to a bunch of 11 year olds? So I let them think I was a bit weird for running around all the time thinking I was Doctor Who. And I let them think I was a bit weird for talking to the gym doors every lunchtime. (Well, I was the Doctor and that was my Tardis console! I had to talk to my Tardis! Perfect sense!) I got a bit bullied for it, yeah, but that all passed very quickly. A few people from my old school came to my defence and everything was resolved!

When we were in Year 9, the book we read for that part of our course was 'The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Night-Time'. Which, if you don't know, is about a boy with Autism. Much more severe than me but the signs were there. And people started to notice. Until, eventually, I was confronted about it by a colleague. He said that I fitted many of the traditional symptoms of Autism and he forced me to admit that I was indeed Autistic. Surprisingly, he was totally fine with it. I wasn't expecting that reaction. Very few people knew the truth and he was the first person outside my closest friend group that knew.

After that, people started to accept me for who I was. Except for one or two but there's always a few. Anyway, everything carried on as normal. The world didn't end, there wasn't insurrection and I wasn't mobbed for being different. People made my life a lot easier but nothing bad happened. As I'm sure you can imagine I was very glad!

As the years went on, I was the go to guy for all things Autism in my year group. People wanted to know something, I was your guy. And that was good because people accepted me for who I am. Something which, for the most part, has continued.

With this constant openness of my Aspergers, people have worked out one way or another that this is my weak point. Want to get me angry? Call Autism a disease or tell me it can be cured. I have lashed out at people for saying that before and I don't like being violent. but still, some people persist.

Sometimes I'll see things on Facebook that claim that people with Autism are "a punishment from God" or that Autism is curable.

I've never sworn on my blog before, but I have to now.

BULLSHIT.

Can you cure Down's Syndrome? Can you cure homosexuality? Or race? Or Spina-bifida? No. You can't cure these and you can't cure Autism. Because there's nothing to cure! Autism is where the brain's wired differently. That's all. It doesn't mean we're robots or sub-human like some people make us out to be! And we're not a punishment from God either.

I don't believe in God personally but, even if I did, why would he use Autism as a punishment for something? I don't get that. But my Aspergers is who I am. It's my whole personality and it dictates everything I think, most things I see and how I view things. And, thanks to the endless help of my mum, I've managed to cope with it in such a way that people don't even realise I have it unless I tell them!

People are always surprised because of how articulate I can be. I'm also rather good at empathy thanks to endless lessons by mother and I've learnt that I can care for friends and family. Well, I could anyway. I just managed to channel it better. A lot of people claim that people with Autism have no capacity for caring. But we can. And I know we can! I've seen it happen!

So am I ashamed of having Asperger's Syndrome? Hell no! If it's wrong to have what I've got then I don't want to be right. Why change everything you are just to fit in with what the world expects of you? Why should I be the same as everyone else? Why should I view everything in the same way and why should I think what I have is wrong? Beats me. But tell me, people actually think that. I've even heard people talk about 'eradicating' people with ASDs off the planet.

Remind you of something?

Just saying.

But why should I be ashamed of having Asperger's? It's who I am. And I like who I am for the most part! (At least I do now...)

Asperger's Syndrome [Part 1/3]

Two versions of the same story. Two realities. In which one am I being honest?

My name is Joshua Frampton. I'm 19 years old. I'm originally from Dorset but I currently live in Hampshire. I'm 20 in July. I have an obsession with Doctor Who, Queen and Wales. And I have something obviously wrong with me.

I may have mentioned it before, I may not have. But I have something called Asperger's Syndrome. Which is a form of Autism. I was diagnosed with it when I was 7 after being initially diagnosed with ADHD. My mum told me about it as early as she could, even though I didn't really understand until many years afterwards. But, as far as I was concerned back then, I was different. And that was wrong. I went through school trying my best to make friends and, although I didn't have too many problems, I still stuck out like a sore thumb. And I was bullied. I never quite understood why I was, so I just thought it was because I was different.

Then I went to secondary school and I knew the same thing would happen. Only this time, I understood why I was different. I tried to make friends but everyone thought I was weird. They couldn't understand why I ran around at lunchtimes and spoke to the gym doors. They didn't understand why I thought differently to them and they didn't understand why I couldn't get some things they were saying. Or why I didn't like being touched. So I was bullied again. And again. Until I couldn't take it any more. I just tried to be as quiet as I could. If I didn't draw attention to myself then no-one would know I was there. I'd just be the weirdo in the corner.

One day, we started reading 'The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Night-Time' as a class in English. If you don't know what it's about, it's about a boy with what I've got, only more pronounced. Soon after we started reading it, people started to put two and two together. Until, eventually, one of my peers asked me if I had Autism. I could've said no but I don't like lying. So I admitted to it.

It soon went round our year that I had this thing and my reputation went from "the Doctor Who freak" to "the Autistic Doctor Who freak". Not much better but it was a start.

My colleagues started to become more accepting and understanding of me and made my life a lot easier now that they had a reason for why I was like I was. Except for one or two people but there's also a small amount isn't there.

As I went through the latter half of secondary school. I started to be more open about my Aspergers and I gained notoriety as being the one who knew most about it among the students. If anyone wanted to know something about Autism, they'd come to me. And I'd be happy to outwardly. But inwardly, I was still very scared.

I put on a brave face every day. Because I know I have what I have. I like to think, with the help of my mum, that I've managed to overcome it. But, the truth is, I haven't. I've just learnt how to lie well. I have this bravado of being normal. When people find out I have what I have they say "oh wow, I couldn't tell". I normally tell them "I've had a lifetime to deal with it". The truth is, I just get better at lying every day.

Sometimes, I look on Facebook and I see that some woman has said that people with Autism are a punishment from God because we're allowing same-sex marriage or that Autism is a disease that can be cured with certain methods.

Everytime I see this, I act offended and I pretend to get angry with it but all I really want is to believe this. I want to believe that what I have can be cured. Because I don't like what I have. I don't like the fact I have this disease and that I'm something different. I want to be like everyone else! I want to be able to have a joke with people where I can understand what they're saying. I want to be able to have a conversation without feeling awkward and I want to be able to walk down the street without being bombarded with all the loud noises that drive me insane. I just this gone.

I make this whole act up just so people don't get concerned about me. I've held this act now for 7 years and I'm getting tired of it. I pretend to care about my family and friends because that's what they expect me to do. So I feign it. All the time. I pretend to be who I am. Everything I say or do is a lie.

"I've had a bad day!" Oh have you? Too bad.

I just don't know how to empathize or to care for someone else. I've tried to care but I just can't. I'm like a robot. Maybe if I was cured I could actually feel some kind of human emotion? Then I wouldn't need to be targeted by those people who think my very existence is a sin! I've spent my life trying to fit in with everyone else but I know I never can because of this stupid thing I've got!

If what I've got is a disease then, where the hell did I get it from? Did I get it from my mum? My dad? Someone else? Maybe I scraped my arm on something and caught my Aspergers?! If all these things I read on Facebook are true then maybe I am just an abomination? Maybe I am a punishment from God? By why did God punish me? What did I do wrong to deserve this shitty existence?

Either way I just want it gone! It's been hard trying to cope with it, it's been harder keeping up the act that I am coping. I just want whatever cure they can give me and just get it over with because I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want Asperger's Syndrome.

I just want it gone...

I Need A New Country, Eh?

I think I've found my new spiritual home...

The other day, I took a test which is similar to the ones that is given to immigrants applying for a visa to the UK. And, to my horror, I failed it! I've lived in Britain all my life and I got below the pass rate! How I managed that is beyond me but obviously I don't belong in university, let alone the UK.

So this got me thinking. If the Government ever found out, (yeah, I know, I'm putting it online. Irony), and they evicted me from living in this country, where would I go? I'm quite picky about things I need/want so it's have to be somewhere where I'd feel completely comfortable and find some like-minded people. And, so far, there's only been 1 candidate.

!!!CANADA!!!

Yes. Canada, as far as I can tell, would be my first place destination on the unlikely chance I'm evicted from the UK for being laissez faire about its culture. And here's why.

1. Bacon and Maple Syrup. IF THERE IS A HEAVEN IT'S CANADA. (Or an island of the coast of Japan infested with rabbits but that's neither here nor there). If you haven't tried Maple Syrup on Bacon, do. (Unless you're veggie for obvious reasons). It's wonderful. Yes it's unhealthy for you but everything in moderation! It's like a taste explosion. It's something I'd wanted to try for many years now and I finally had it on the 9th Feb 2014. And it was well worth waiting for. It's such a weird thing! Something sweet on bacon...mind-blowing.

2. The Canadian Accent. I'm a sucker for an accent. Obviously my favourite is the Welsh (being a Cymruphile*) but the Canadian accent is definitely one of my favourites. It's not American (and yes I have landed myself in hot water mixing the two up. Which is confusing if you've met someone from Maine, USA and Toronto on the same day...) But what's not to like? It's kind of...well...nice. Give me a girl with an accent any day.

3. The Crazy Population. Have you ever met a Canadian? They're insane! But it's a nice kind of insane. Some things I've seen Canadians say or do are absolutely wonderful. They've got a better sense of humor than their former British overlords. (To be fair though, nearly everyone has a better sense of humor than us...) And, stereo-typically, they apologise for everything. So do I. I've maintained for a while now that I'm a Canadian apologetic. But the Canadian people seem like such a happy bunch! It'd be nice to interact with them and experience that for myself.

4. The Food. I've already mentioned bacon and maple syrup but there's so many other things that sound wonderful! Let's start with 'Poutine'. Chips, gravy, cheese and veal strips. (I suppose you could exchange for bacon?) Again, not one you can have a lot but all the same. Then there's the 'Butter Tart' which is basically a little pastry pie with dried fruit in it. Seems tasty. Might actually make them one day...Finally, there's a 'Kraft Dinner'. To be fair, this is just effectively macaroni cheese but made by the Kraft company but it's become the national dish by default given that the creator of Kraft and the man who adapted the recipe from the original macaroni cheese was indeed Canadian. Wunderbar!

5. The Culture. Canada has many positive attributes to its society from a liberal perspective. Not only does it have free healthcare** or marriage equality, but it also has kinder eggs! That aside, the culmination of the British based and French based culture are just frankly wonderful to me. I have a feeling I'd fit in well there.

OBVIOUSLY, I've never been to Canada so I don't know if I'm right unless I go! But don't worry, it is on my to-do-list. My new housemate told me about something that happened in her last uni where students could sign up for this thing where a few groups would get dropped off in different places in Europe and the first back to the uni wins. Maybe that could happen with Canada? (I doubt it but I can dream right?)

Anyway, sorry for lack of posts! It's a mixture of being busy and not being well but I will catch up at some stage! Until then, Joshua out!


*Cymruphile, to my knowledge, is an actual term. It means someone who has an obsession with the country and culture of Wales. Although I don't think it's recognized in the Dictionary. I saw it on someone's Twitter.

**As far as I'm aware. If you are Canadian, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

What's In A Name? (Part Two)

Alternatively, you could've been called these...

So now that I've briefly explained my favourite names and names I would like to use for children I may produce, allow me to delve into some other names that other people have used or would like to use one day. Believe me, some of that are kinda strange...

First of all though, I'd like to give a shout out to my friend Eleanor. You may remember I mentioned her when I said why I'd like to use the name Eleanor. She's a good friend of mine who's very arty and much clever than I. Anyway, she commented on my Facebook last night after I put this up and said that shewould like to name her future daughter Cassiopeia. Eleanor, as far as I'm still aware, is an astronomy buff. And, of course, Cassiopeia is a constellation. (I'm presuming it's one of her favourites, hence why she'd like to call her that!) So there's not much surprise there if that is the reason. (Eleanor also likes the name Patrick, because of the late astronomy legend Sir Patrick Moore. Someone I'd completely forgotten about when thinking about the name Patrick!)

But I'm also informed by Eleanor that Cassiopeia was also the name of a beautiful queen in Greek Mythology and the wife of Cephus. It was said that Cassiopeia and her daughter, Andromeda, were more beautiful than the daughters of the God Nereus, which brought the wrath of Poseidon upon them.

So, Eleanor my dear, if you do name your daughter Cassiopeia, keep an eye out for vengeful Greek Gods!

(Check out Eleanor's brilliant art page here: www.facebook.com/edukesswyer)

And now to my friend, Frances. Frances and I have discussed baby names at numerous points in the recent past and I'm always astounded about the names she comes up with. (If you thought my list was good, you ought to read hers. She's put way more thought into baby names than I have!)

Some names that we suggested we both liked. For example, we were both partial to the names Rhiannon and Patrick. However, she has much more...unique...names than I do!

Here are some of the names she's allowed me to share with you. (This is not her entire list...)

Boy

- Heathcliff. Not sure why. I think it sounds pretty cool. Very Downton Abbey but there we go!
- Connley. Irish?
- Anael. Celtic?
- Ainsley. Named after a British chef, Frances?
- Aibheann. (Apparently pronounced Avon?)
- Nathaniel.
- Marius. She's a Les Mis fan.
- Alistair.

Girl

- Annabella. Lovely name!
- Eleanor. (Pattern emerging here...)
- Marie.
- Ebba. Named after a friend of hers.
- Lyra.
- Iliana.
- Avalon.
- Aradia. Although I love this name, I can't help but think it sounds like a planet from Doctor Who?
- Mhairi.
- Caireann. Again, thinking Celtic or Irish?
- Memory
- River.

Now, as a self-respecting and loyal Whovian, I honestly did try and persuade Frances to give her future daughter, River, the middle name of 'Song', but she flat out refused. I just want to make that clear. I still think she's missing a trick here for future Whovians! But hey, I tried!

AND NOW...LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...THE MAIN ATTRACTION FOR THIS POST. THE WEIRDEST BABY NAMES IN THE UK FOR 2013!

Seriously, some of these are mind-blowing. Frances shared part of this list with me, (which I described as "Frank Zappa's to-do-list"), and another part of it was from the Daily Mail. (I know, it's the only time I'll ever happily use it. Trust me. This is a once in a lifetime spectacle).

So here they are. The Daily Mail list first. I'm not going to put all of them so I'll put 10 for each.

Here were the top 10 (bizarre) baby names for boys in 2013*.

1.     Tiger
2.     Victory
3.     Tucker
4.     Tory
5.     Prosper
6.     Porter
7.     Perseus
8.     Luck
9.     Kassius
10.   London

Yup. I'm interested in where 'Victory' comes from...

Top 10 (bizarre) baby names for girls in 2013*.

1.     Zelie
2.     Tea
3.     Rosielee
4.     Vogue
5.     Summer-ray
6.     Sunny
7.     Tru
8.     Sorrel
9.     Pinky
10.   Ream

Yup. Me neither. But there we go!

And now for Frank Zappa's list. Instead of writing them all out, or picking a few, I think it'd be much funnier for you to look at them yourself. (http://www.babycenter.com/0_unusual-baby-names-of-2013_10388919.bc) But I will tell you my 3 personal favourites from each.

Boys:
1. Leviathan. Who doesn't like this idea? You could drive Supernatural fans mad!
2. Osbaldo. Purely because I'm heading that way, might as well have a joke about it.
3. Stetson. Because they're cool.

Girls:
1. Eternity. Purely because it sounds like a bit of a cruel joke?
2. Ezgi. Yup, me neither.
3. Wrigley. Just because.

I love weird names. I do. They bring so much joy into my life. And I hope the lists I've shared with you bring some joy into yours too!

If you had the choice to name your children, what would you name yours? I'm intrigued to hear what names you'd like to use! They can be as weird, unique or as normal as you like!

Until saturday, when the next part of Ducks By The Lake will be up, see you later on!


*Taken from an article The Mail Online. "Vogue, Nirvana, Tea, Reem and PEPPA: The most bizarre baby names of 2013" by Martha De Lacey. 27th December 2013

What's In A Name? (Part One)

Believe me kids, you could've been called any number of these...

So, I'm not sure if anyone else does this, but I like to think about what I'd call my future children had I complete control over the naming process.

I'm know I'm not the ONLY one, because I'm going to give you some ideas from my Kiwi friend (http://acrystalsscrapbook.blogspot.co.uk/). So I know some people do it, but I also understand that it's also going to be a bit strange on the whole. (But then, a lot of the time I have not much else to think about!)

But names are funny things. For example, my name is Joshua. It's a biblical name and it means "strong and determined" I'm led to believe. They obviously hadn't met me. But I was originally going to be called, regardless of gender, Jody. Whether I was a boy or a girl, (me as a girl...jeez...), I was going to be called Jody. I honestly prefer that to Joshua! But hey, I'm too lazy to change it. Plus it costs too much.

But names are odd. And, although they're only just a label, THERE ARE SO MANY TO CHOOSE FROM. Some people name their children after long-gone relatives. Some name them after TV show characters, (see Frances, it's possible!), and some name them after where they were conceived.

(I find this slightly bizarre but it never did my friend Skip any harm...)

Regardless, I do think of these things. And I do have a list of names that I would like to use. Obviously, as my friend Sammy pointed out in a previous post, my future partner might not be so understanding about my list. But still, it's my life. I'll create it.

Girl

Obviously, I've bounded one name about for quite a while now that I'm convinced will be used either way. Thanks to a dream I had, and a resulting song of mine, MOLLY is my first name of choice for a daughter. But there are other names that I'm fond of that I think might have a nice ring to it if added with my surname.

- Victoria (or Vicky). Always been a bit partial to this name. I had a good friend called Vicki when I was younger and, ever since then, that name's stuck with me. To me it speaks confidence and determination. That's just what I think of it anyway. (plus I think Victoria Frampton sounds good...)

- Amelia (or Amy). So I'm also partial to this name. But for different reasons. This is the Whovian in me coming out. Amelia is a rather oldish name but, thanks to Doctor Who I think, it's coming back! So maybe it's not good in that respect. (It was hard enough having 3 Joshs in a class, can you imagine 3 or more Amys? It's hard enough here at uni!) Amy Frampton anyone?

- Rhiannon. A name I've always been fond of but I don't think I would use due to the fact I don't think that Rhiannon Frampton has that good a ring to it. It doesn't sound right for some reason. It's a beautiful name. Irish I think. Again, I had a friend called Rhiannon when I was younger and it reminds me of her sometimes. But it's a lovely name all the same.

- Eleanor. Only 3 more names to go for the girls. But I think the name Eleanor has an element of...style...to it. It's another oldy-worldy name but it's one of my personal favourites. I currently have a friend called Eleanor who is one of the most intelligent and creative people I know so I feel fairly confident with the name Eleanor. If my Eleanor was as lovely and arty as my friend, I'd be a very happy Joshy.

- Emily. Come on, who doesn't like the name Emily?! It's a lovely name. I know it's been a steadily common name over the past 30 years but that's obviously for a reason. I know one Emily and she's lovely! Again, kind and creative person. Happy Joshy if that's the case with Emily Frampton?

- Sarah. Another name I love. Always have. I just like the sound of it. I know a couple of Sarahs and they're pretty cool. So who knows?

Boy

- Patrick. Well, I just love that name. I've only ever known one Patrick and he was great. But I'd name this Patrick after the character of Patrick Jane from The Mentalist. I love that show and I love the character. I'd love my son to be like him. (Without the death of course...)

- Jody. Goes without saying.

- Matthew. Named after Matt Bellamy from Muse? I can't help it. I love Muse.

- Oliver. Again, like the name!


Well, we'll see how it goes eh?

Tune in tomorrow for Part Two where I'll explore some of Frances' favourite names, as well as some of the weirdest names of 2013!

Creature Of Sentiment

My emotions rule me


There's one thing I know about myself for certain. I obviously know myself better than anyone but some things about myself still surprise me even after 20 years.

Recently, I told a friend of mine that my plan over the next few years was to withdraw from my hometown almost completely. Only visiting it on rare occasions as I'm sure many people do throughout their lives. But, as last night proved, this might be easier said than done.

I should probably explain.

I've lived in the same time pretty much all my life. With the exception of my move to Newport and Winchester of course. I lived in the same house all my life and, again with the exception of Newport and Winchester, I've had no experience of moving house. So, I'm at a disadvantage emotionally. I used to get very emotional when leaving my hometown for prolonged wild and I was always prone to homesickness. I know many people are, but I do wonder if people who haven't moved as much in their life are more prone to it?

Anyway, I went to the same school for 7 years. As did many other I know so I don't know why I'm complaining but hey. And I always find it slightly hard to go back. I don't know why, I just do.

I went back yesterday to see my old school's musical production. A friend of mine had asked me to come along because she had one of the lead roles in it. I organised to get tickets as well as finding out some old friends/acquaintances were also involved. So I was very keen to go.

And it was very nostalgic. It reminded me of when I was in the school musical 2 years ago (which is how I met my friend in the first place) and just generally being at that school. I saw some old teachers and staff that I knew and had a nice chat with them. It was weird. Very weird.

I managed to see my friend eventually (as well as a couple of others I was hoping to catch) and I was very happy. I hadn't seen her for a while and she's always asking after me when she sees my mum (who works with her at school. She's 14) and I'm asking after her a lot. So it was nice to see her again. She was brilliant in the musical and, even though it wasn't my place, I felt very proud of her. I felt very proud of all the people I knew within it. It was a great show.

But seeing them brought back so many good memories of my time at school. As I got close to the end of my first year of Sixth Form, I couldn't want to leave. Now I kinda wanna be back there with all of them. But then, that's me being sentimental. I'd love to be in the musical with them all again and I'd just love to sit in that canteen knowing I could see anyone I wanted if they were around. You didn't have to look far.

I'm a sentimental old thing really.

Never wish your childhood away. You'll regret it later.

Mmmm. Memories...

What If...?

In which I try to speculate what could've happened if a certain something hadn't happened.

I make no secret of the fact that I don't like the city of Newport in Wales. People kept trying to put me off it when I told them I wanted to go to uni there but, being a Frampton, I was stubborn and decided that this was my destiny. There were numerous reasons as to why I wanted to move to Newport.

1. I've always wanted to live in Cardiff. A dream I still intend to fulfill at some stage in my life. My initial thinking was if I spent 3 years in Newport (naively) I could then try to move to Cardiff from there instead of trying to reach a job interview from my hometown. I'd be 20 odd minutes away so it would be easier to transfer to the Welsh Capital.

2. The course seemed a good idea at the time. It seemed very varied and individually orientated. (To be fair, the course was under-subscribed so things had to change).

3. I'm a sucker for a Welsh accent...

4. I kinda hoped I'd be able to chat up a Welsh woman with my English ways. (God I was naive...)

5. I had friends in neighboring Cardiff. My mum maintains that this was the main reason I wanted to go to Wales. It was a reason, but it was very low down on my list.

And the list goes on.

I'd rather not go into the really bad thing that happened in the city, but let's just say it made me very scared of my new-found surroundings. I have trust issues as it is, this just made it worse.

I left Newport in December 2012 and I'm yet to return. (Not likely anytime soon). But there were some good things to come out of that university, even if I didn't stay for very long.

Firstly, there's my flatmates. I lived with 4 other people in a very small part of our halls. I got on best with two of them but I did get along with the other two of them...most of the time...but they were wonderful. I could not ask for better flatmates. With the two I got on with best, we felt like family. Which was lovely. And my friend's mum always tried to include me in things they did. It was wonderful. They were wonderful and lovely. I could not have asked for anything better. I think this is a good reason why I felt so bad after I left. I know they did so much for me and I just, well, disappeared without any proper explanation. I felt bad.

Sadly, I don't talk to them much anymore. I really wish I did but, I suppose that happens. We talk from time to time and catch up but that's as far as it goes. I don't know.

Secondly, there's my course friends. They were my best friends at uni and I could not have wished for a more lovely group of people to spend 3 months with. I think I made the comment recently that if I had the current course I was doing in Winchester, with the people I was with at Newport then it would be my perfect course. (That's not to say I don't love the people in Winchester. Of course I do!)

My 3 best friends were Mary, Zeke and James. We always used to sit together before and during lectures and often used to just sit and chat about anything and everything. Mary and I used to talk about Doctor Who almost endlessly (to the extent where she referred to me tonight as "her Doctor") while Zeke, James and I just used to joke about controversial topics. We often used to have James' girlfriend join us too which was nice. But they were all lovely people. And, even though they might not think it, I really do miss them greatly.

I got on with most of classmates too and made some wonderful friends who I do still speak to! (Menna, looking at you here!) Which is something that I can take away from it and know it was something good, even if the rest of it fell apart very quickly.

But if I hadn't have gone to Newport, numerous things would not have happened.

1. I would not have met the people I met. And I never regret meeting someone. Especially them. Like I said, I made some wonderful friends and I would not change that for anything. I still enjoy seeing them on the rare occasion that I do and it's nice to catch up with all of them when I can.

2. If I never went to Newport, I would not have had the best job I've had to date. In November/December 2012, I worked on the Millennium Stadium complex in Cardiff during the Welsh Rugby Internationals. I worked for 3 shifts in a bar just on the outside of the complex and, although it was very intense as I was a barman and a waiter, it was hands down the best job I've had to date. (I also got a close glimpse of Kate Middleton and Prince William at one point!) but I loved it.

3. I would never have had the life lessons I learnt about cities and personal safety as nothing bad has happened to me in Winchester yet. So that's something too.

But I can't help but wonder, what would have happened IF I'D STAYED in Newport. What if I'd let my head rule my heart and I stayed put. Here are some things that I think could've happened had this been the case.

1. I would've been able to work more at the Millennium Stadium. The staff were keen to have my flatmate (who worked alongside me) and I back for the 2013 6 Nations championships. Which, let's face it, would've been ace!

2. I would not have had my feelings broken by a female. But then it was going to happen, again, at some stage wasn't it so that's not really an important one. But it's something I thought of.

3. I may well have moved in with my course-mates in the second year. That'd have been fun. Considering they all had to commute in. (One of them had a 2 hour commute!) So I like to think living with them would've been a lot of fun.

4. I would not have been as close to London as I am now. I know this is a weird one but it's nice knowing currently that I can catch the train to London in about an hour rather cheaply. I suppose, had I remained in Wales, I'd go to Cardiff. I wouldn't need London. But still, I enjoy visiting London. It's big, loud and has lots to do! (So does Cardiff but, to be fair, Cardiff doesn't have the British Museum. It has an awesome museum in the Cathays area but...you know...)

5. I would not have met the people I've met here in Winchester. Although I do miss the Newport contingent, I've met some wonderful people here too. People I wouldn't change meeting at all. Even if one of my best friends here is an avid Thatcherite obsessed with Napalm with slight psychopathic tendencies...(You know who I mean...)

But yeah. They're just some of my musings on what could've been. It's interesting thinking about what ifs. Because certain things play out in your head and you'll have one of 2 reactions.

1. Wow...am I glad that didn't happen...

or 

2. Damn...

Good night everyone!

Some Observations On The Train Today

If you haven't people watched, you're missing out.

Woman on the opposite platform. Wears her hair straight with some blonde highlights. Lack of a wedding ring or any kind of jewellery, suggesting that she's single and has been for some time. Wearing bright flowery leggings with a white cardigan. Possibly could be considered a hipster but judging by the immaculate way she's looking, she might be trying to catch the attention of someone at work perhaps. Someone who may well have a thing for alternative girls. Make-up appears to be excessive. Either hiding a skin problem or is attempting to attract a man as I previously thought. Small smile when the train approaches. Appears happy to be heading towards her destination. Attraction theory fits but so does visiting family. Though, due to the way she looks, attraction is my final guess.

65% chance of success. Chances might improve if she chose not to wear the flowery leggings again as it looks like she's offering a shrubbery to the Knights who say "Ni".

School-child on the train. Wears hair in a spiky fashion. Attitude and posture suggests he considers himself one of the 'popular' kids but seeing the way he plays with it suggests that he's only doing it to avoid possible bullying and has some identity issues. Sad-looking expression throughout section of journey. Gets off at Romsey and still looks upset when he walks past me. Suggests he does not enjoy school because of the possible act he may be putting up.

Or might just hate Mondays. 

Young woman with red-hair across the aisle. Very pretty. Did not make any further observations as I got distracted and kept thinking how pretty she looked.

Damn you, pretty redhead.

Man in sharp suit. Possibly works for a banking firm or a solicitors. Confused as to current location indicates he did not check his route before coming on board and that geography might not be his strong point. Seems apparently grateful for my intervention while also giving me evil looks upon my offering of help. Crease-less suit indicates that he is a man of sophistication and likes making a good first impression. Takes job more seriously than he needs to. Due to giving of evils towards me, I suspect that he likes to be independent. Or he might just find me annoying after my asking for a pen to do my cross-word.

His refusal leads me to believe he might be a spoil-sport. Or have some kind of unresolved hatred for word puzzles. Possibly due to a childhood trauma of not being able to work out 11 across.

Twenty-something woman asleep on the train.

I suspect she might be tired.

Man looking at me very weirdly on journey home. Grey hair, smartly dressed with backpack. Suggests he has been on a tourist trip to a quiet city. Salisbury perhaps. Wife engrossed in a book while the man liberally eyes up every woman he shares the carriage with. Looks at me weirdly every 5 seconds. He does not know that I've noticed as I can see him through his reflection against the night sky.

This might be due to my weird and heavy breathing.

Man on platform at Eastleigh. Taking the same train as me but is continually laughing at me as I pace up and down the platform. Continual spying on me suggests that he has nothing of interest happening at this present moment or is looking for a distraction from difficult and complex issues happening in his private life.

Or it could be the fact I keep jumping everytime I hear a train horn behind me.

Hmmm.


*POST SCRIPT EDIT*

To anyone who's interested, the answer to 11 across was 'Attrition'.

Pigeons

I hate pigeons. Can you tell?


Pigeons are evil
Pigeons have liberal bums
Pigeons don't have any consideration
For people below

Pigeons are evil
Pigeons are little rats
Pigeons are not apologetic
When they p-bomb the people they splat

Pigeons are evil
Pigeons are little buggers
Pigeons laughed at me
When one pooed on my hair

I hate pigeons.
But it's fine.
They hate me too.

Little gits.

Adult Letter To An Absent Friend

Should old acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind...


Hello.

Just writing this to see how you are. How everything's going with you? I hope everything's ok and all is well with you. How is your life? Your studies going ok? Mine are going fine. Working hard and playing harder of course. Some things are a bit tricky but, it's to be expected right?

How's the family? Brothers and sisters ok? Parents? They must've been very proud of you when you left them for uni. Their little child all grown up now. Do you miss home at all? I do sometimes but I just watch something funny and it all goes away. Well, you're clever and strong. I'm sure you're doing just fine.

So...yeah. I'm not going to lie, I'm not expecting a response from you. I'm only writing this on a whim. We haven't spoken for...what...6 months now? I've tried contacting you a few times but to no avail. I only hear how you're doing from our mutual friends. Even then, that's minimal. I hear little bits but then, so do they. It's a little worrying actually.

The truth is, I miss you. I REALLY miss you. Terribly. I miss the times where I used to phone you up and just have a funny chat about anything and everything. I miss when we used to meet up and we used to have such fun. Just being around you or hearing your voice would automatically make me smile.

If I were ever down, I'd phone you and I'd be instantly cheered up just by you saying 'hello'. I miss the advice and your soft tones giving me some of the best advice I've ever had. I know we didn't always agree on things but hey, we didn't always have to did we, eh?

I miss being able to talk to you. I miss you telling me those wonderful quirky stories you used to tell me about school or what you'd done that day with other friends. I miss your little quirks and I miss the never-ending joy you used to spread. You were always so happy. If you weren't, which was very rare, I'd do everything I could to cheer you up again. To return the favour if anything else.

With the exception of my parents, you were the best influence I had. You were such a good influence for me. If you had troubles and you could get through them, so could I. I know that this wasn't always the case but I tried.

I just felt the need to say it. Because, I think I know why I haven't heard from you for a while. And I'm not sure when I'll next hear from you if I do at all. And that's fine. I just wish you the all the best in the world. Maybe I'll bump into you one day and we will end up chatting but, if not, I just wanted to say I miss you and to wish you the best of luck in the world.

You've got so much going for you and I know that you'll make a good go at it. Because you always do. And I'd never expect anything less of you.

Also, if it's my last chance to say it, I'm very proud of you. I am. I know it sounds weird coming from someone who isn't a parent but I am. Just, don't let me down on that one, eh?

So, until we meet again.

Always yours.

Your mad friend.


*POST SCRIPT EDIT*

A friend of mine asked me if I was ok earlier after reading this because it "tugged at his heartstrings" and that I seemed sad throughout this.

Just to clarify in case anyone was wondering, this is a piece of fiction based on reality. I did have someone in mind when I wrote this but I tried to write it in such a way that it was generic. If you can identify with it then great. That was the overall intention! Everyone has at least one person that they've lost due to circumstances out of their control and this was just a reflection of that.

Hope you enjoy it anyway!