How To Handle Charity Representatives

So, although I like to think I'm quite a charitable person, I have a thing against charity representatives in the street.

I understand why they're doing it, I understand it might be a great cause but I don't agree with their methods. I don't agree with the fact they pull you out at random, give you their spiel and then ask for you contact details.

The amount of times female ones have asked for my number and I've had the urge to say "buy me a drink first" is staggering. But I always bite my tongue for some bizarre reason. Anyway.

Over the past year, I've had two incidents with these people that have stuck out in my mind. One of which happened just today, the other happened earlier this year. And to those who think this first story is made up, I wrote it down because, I'm actually quite proud of how it went. I'm re-writing it from where I wrote it down and changing the descriptions slightly but I promise all this was said.

Earlier this year, my mum and I took my Nan to the local city to go shopping. I had some time to kill so I decided I would walk across the city centre to HMV to see which Doctor Who DVDs they had that I could get as I had some money spare.

Now, thinking back on it, the reason I was picked out was totally my own fault. I was wearing black trousers, a white smart shirt and a black waistcoat. I stood out. A mistake I'll never make again. Anyway. The representative walked in front of me and said "May I say you're looking very smart and handsome today sir?" Considering not many men say this to me, I was cautious. "Thank you?" But it was too late. I was ensnared in the trap. And I was confronted by a man who wore a woolly hat in the style of a panda's head. My life would never be the same again.

He was from Friends Of The Earth and was telling me all about how deforestation was affecting the planet. I didn't mind this, it was the fact he promised to condense everything he wanted to say into a minute as I said I was late for something that annoyed me. Because 5 minutes later he was telling more about the Amazon than David Attenborough has in his lifetime. Eventually, he asked for personal details. Numbers etc so he could contact me about possibly donating to the cause.

At which point, I refused. "NO!" I said rather abruptly. I regained composure and said "I can't. I need to go. I REALLY need to go..." He then asked me where I was going.

Now, I try not to lie in life. But today, I just let me head go with it.

"I'm going to meet my girlfriend!"

I said, surprised as I was saying it. (I should probably point out I'd been single for a year at this stage and it was all a complete lie. Which I'll probably end up going to hell for but still...) The man smiled and started asking me questions.

"Ah! I see! Can't leave the lady waiting! What's her name?"

I don't think my mind's ever worked so fast...

"Angeline!"

"Angeline?"

"She's French..."

"Your girlfriend's French?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"No, no. No reason".

I couldn't believe I was getting away with this. It seemed my imaginary French girlfriend, Angeline, may well be saving me from this awkwardness...

"Well...Is she into saving the planet?"

"Oh yeah. She does geography so she's into all that!"

"Maybe you could bring her here to talk to me?"

Another trap had been laid. Brain don't fail me now...

"I don't think that'd be appropriate!"

"Why?"

"Because...This date could save or end our relationship!"

Both of us looked confused as I said it. I realised the hole I was in and how deep it was getting. But I carried on...

"The truth is, due to circumstances outside my control, I was 2 hours late to our last date. Seeing a movie at the Odeon here. And she wasn't best pleased as I'm sure you could understand. She said 'If you're late again I'm giving up'. [I even said it in a French accent!] And I love her. I really do, and I don't want to be late again. So I really need to go..."

The man looked at me for a few moments before saying

"Ok, sir. I'll let you go. But you come visit me later won't you!"

"Of course"

We said goodbye and left. He carried on grabbing people in the street while I walked away with a big smile on my face. I couldn't quite believe what I'd said had worked. Merci Angeline.


The second story happened today in the city of Winchester. I was walking back from town with lots of shopping in hand having to cope with quite a steep hill. Anyway, I was stopped by a young woman on the High Street.

"Hello, sir. Do you have a moment?"

I immediately started thinking of Angeline.

"Yeah, sure!"

She went onto explain that she worked for a local charity which helps blind children intergrate into mainstream schooling. Don't get me wrong, I think it's a great cause and a wonderful idea, but I could see where this was headed.

After about a minute later, the lady asked the inevitable question.

"So could I have your contact number?"

"No. Sorry. I don't give out my number to strangers out of principle".

She didn't take this too well. She started asking how I was going to access their work online if I didn't give her my number. She even showed me a device of some description where she said:

"I won't even see your number".

"I don't doubt that, but all the same I'm sorry. Don't you have a card or something I could have?"

"Yes but we don't like giving out our cards as it costs us to".

This was a confusing statement but all the same.

After another minute or so of arguing, she eventually conceded and let me go. I wished her a good day and carried on.

I had barely walked 10 feet up the road before being snared by yet another.

"Hello, sir..."

"Seriously? Seriously? I've just been caught by your colleague there and I've said no. Sorry".

Then came the curveball.

"I'm different..."

"Oh. You're different? How so?"

"I'm a monk..."

I'm not sure what you can say to that really...

I stuck to my guns though and no one got my number this day. But keep an eye out people. They are everywhere.

And guys, if you get stuck and are single, just think of Angeline. She's an easy going girl and she doesn't mind you thinking of her...