People change and that's a fact of life.
So, I've been on this planet a while now. I'm halfway through my 21st year on this planet and I'm starting to realise a lot more things in less time. I guess this is the process of becoming an adult which, after a time, is irreversible but it doesn't make it any less annoying of suckish. But while I can wrap my head around the process of aches and pains, lack of sleep and general financial stuff, the one thing I'm struggling to come to terms with was the social aspect of being an adult.
That was until very recently when I came to terms with a number of things. And it revolves solely around my social circle.
For someone with ASD, I know a lot of people. Which is fine because it means I get some interesting conversations but those people are being continually made up more by people I've met in the past year or two while people I've known for years become more and more distant and unfamiliar. Not all of those people become complete strangers but some have which is distressing but the majority of them just become a little more distant that I guess I'm comfortable with.
But this is ok. It has to happen. It's that strange part of life which pisses everyone off called 'change and renewal'. Not only that, to look at it philosophically, these old people need to go and the new people need to arrive in order to get you to the next major milestone in your life. For example, I have some friends here at my university who I genuinely don't think I could be without right now. They give me laughter, they help me with the coursework and they give me a reason to go to lectures each day. Not only that, I have friends from uni who don't do my course and they also give me support, extra laughter and a reason to fight each day against things that are bound to go wrong.
But I also have friends from home who continue to support me and, when I see them, it's familiar and wonderful. We all catch up and we have fun just like we always used to do. But there are some friends I had for years who are...well...distant. And this is what distresses me.
My problem is that I like knowing people and I like being there for people if they need my help. And, vice versa, I depend on them. So when I get a friend who becomes distant over time it feels like a strange friendship graduation. They've graduated onto new experiences and new people which I have no issue with but it does make me feel sad when it happens. I don't mean to sound possessive by saying that but everyone goes through this, right?
But I realised recently that this is the natural order of things. This is the regeneration we undergo throughout our lives. And I've worked out why.
The next person you meet could be the person you marry.
The person you meet after that could end up being the person that saves your life.
The person after that could be the person that introduced your single mother to their single father and end up getting together.
These are obviously extremes but you see my point.
I'm a firm believer of the future being predetermined and that humans have little to now effect over its outcome. So, in keeping with this mantra, the people that leave our lives have a purpose as to why they do while the new people we meet come into our lives for a specific purpose. I don't necessarily think this reason is from a higher power or anything but I do think that each person that comes into our lives and has an effect on us is there for a logical reason that is yet to come to light.
A few examples from my own life.
A friend of mine called Tom convinced myself and a few of my other friends to attend the local youth club. We did and we then proceeded to spend most of our teenage life there and I'm still friends with a few people I knew from there.
My friend Frances is one of the first people I met at university. She's from New Zealand and seems to have ants in her pants as she seems to continually try new places before she settles down. (I know she'll probably read this so, please understand I'm exaggerating and joking as per usual, dear!) But Frances taught me a valuable lesson about keeping a long-distance friendship up. She's one of my closest friends despite the fact I've only seen her once since she left university and returned to Europe.
My friend and housemate, Josh, has been a rock to me this year in terms of how to live. He's helped teach me how to cook better meals as well as how to think more creatively and logically rather than just relying on my first instinct. As well as help me come to terms with my continually balding head. Mainly because he keeps making a load of bald jokes at every opportunity. Which I'm fine with...now...
These are just a few of many examples about the effect people have had on me personally. There are countless other people I could imagine and go into why they've helped me in some way but I'm writing this in a break from my dissertation so I shan't.
But the point is this. People are going to come and go and that's fine. Sometimes the reason for their leaving will be totally logical and fine while sometimes you'll get people leave for the stupidest of reasons. (But, let's face it, they're the ones you can do without. You don't need that shit hanging over you).
But as the friends I have left, distant or close, stand alongside me in our quest to conquer this queer little task called 'adulthood', it doesn't mean we're totally separate for good. Unless there's a reason to be that is. So if you have a friend who's distant and you care for, send them an email. Just ask how they're doing. Because this becomes a revealing test. If they value the friendship as you do, they'll reply. Because sometimes friends become distant naturally due to life getting in the way. If they don't reply, then you don't need them. They obviously don't want as much to do with you as they used to do so there's no point in chasing something that's not going to happen. Unless you're a stalker, you wouldn't keep going after someone you cared about after they rebuffed your affections so why do the same with people who don't want to put the effort into being friends with you anymore?
This may seem like common sense but having friends leave sucks. Not being able to help them out when they need it most sucks and not having them close to call them up and talk to them sucks too. I had one particular friend who could make me smile just by saying hello. But we sadly don't talk anymore. Not in the way we used to anyway. And, of course I'm sad about that but I'm not angry. Because shit happens. Life gets in the way. Besides, everyone's unique but you can find parallels. You find qualities in people you've known before and they'll do the same in you. So you find similar friends that way. And you'll make friends who'll be there for a couple of years and fade into the background and you'll also make friends who threaten you with death if you ever lose contact with them. (Has happened irl. I've learnt not to underestimate her ability to murder me).
So, the thought for today before I return to my dissertation? If you have a friend you care about, let them know. Not a long ass message explaining why but just let them know you're there and you care. If they say the same then you have a keeper. If you don't, don't bother with them anymore. It takes two to tango. But as long as you understand that not everyone can contact you all of the time then you should be ok. Because, well, life sucks most of them time and things get on top of us. But that's the beauty of friends. The ones who want to see you ok will be there when you need it most. And that's all that matters.
Thank you friends. You're awesome. Keep up the good work you saucy sheriffs.
No comments:
Post a Comment