Ok, I'm terrified of my television. Well, no more than the next person. So I should probably get on with explaining why the title's a bit misleading.
I'm not scared of television itself but I'm scared of something that sometimes happens on television. It doesn't happen so much now...which is arguably worse...but it still happens sometimes nonetheless.
To give some basic context: I've had problems with paranoia in the past. Some of it is arguably down to my Aspergers but some of it is also down to the fact I'm just a nervous person in general. This means I can get freaked out by the weirdest things. Here are some of the things I'm genuinely scared of:
- Spiders
- Insects
- Snakes
- Frogs/Toads
- Some Fish
- Dying Young
- Rocking Horses
Yeah I'm not going into the last one right now. Because that's a different story for another time and this post is not about why I'm scared of rocking horses.
What I am scared about though is something a lot stranger and completely irrational. But to me, it's very real.
I'm scared of Technical Difficulties on my television.
And, when I say technical difficulties, I don't mean a fuse blown or the screen not working. I mean when a programme is happily going on and we're enjoying it and then it all goes weird and black and then that horrible red card comes up with the television announcer explaining that we'll be back with the programme momentarily.
Now, I'm scared of this for two reasons. One of them has a historical basis and the other is the irrational one.
The historical context is that this technical difficulties card has always scared me. I cannot explain why and I don't want to theorise why but it always has. It used to scare me because it was, for a time, complete uncertainty as to what was going on. And it always felt like something bad was about to happen. But, either way, the technical fault cards used to scare me and make me very uncomfortable indeed.
(Another thing that used to scare me was the "If You've Been Affected By Any Of The Issues In...". That I genuinely cannot being to explain because I just don't know. It just used to really make me uncomfortable and scared when it came up. Which, watching EastEnders in the early 2000s, used to happen an awful lot).
Even worse than this is when a programme is interrupted so that breaking news comes through.
Now, when I'm watching BBC News 24, Breaking News comes through all the time. That's not weird. I can cope with that fine. What I can't cope with is when the BBC cuts to the news halfway through another programme. Because, again, this used to scare past me because of the uncertainty and, when Breaking News happens, it's never good.
The one time I vividly remember this happening was in 2002 when the Queen Mother died.
I remember it was a rainy day and Mum and I were playing board games to pass the time. We were also watching a programme that was hosted by Bob Monkhouse. I used to love Bob Monkhouse so I was in my element. Suddenly, the screen went black and the BBC Two card came up.
"We interrupt this programme to join BBC News 24 in London..."
Writing that sentence just then sent a shiver up my spine. Imagine what it was like at the time. It completely ruined the day because I remember having such fun with the board games but now all I remember is the Breaking News about the Queen Mother. A memory which I'd rather forget if I'm honest.
The irrational context is a little different. And it's my own fault entirely. But I've since learned that there are two reasons why the Television can break into a programme to join a news broadcast. One of them is the death of a Royal. (In this country anyway). The other is for the Emergency Broadcast System should a nuclear strike/biological outbreak/anything else similar should occur. I found this out the hard way by looking into it. I was looking into nuclear broadcasts for a song I was writing with my cousin but it later escalated into morbid research. The broadcasts themselves were fine. But it mocked up how they would look on television with the programme running and then the Emergency Broadcast cutting into them. This triggered many anxiety attacks over the coming weeks.
Now, I know that it's unlikely the situation will ever occur.
But here's why I'm scared of the television.
Every time a channel has technical difficulties, I think a nuclear bomb's about to go off. And I cannot shake it. I cannot no matter how hard I try.
The most recent case of this was back in the Autumn during the Channel 4 show THE LAST LEG. In the final part of the show, the channel experienced technical difficulties and it cut to the technical fault card for Channel 4. I was alone downstairs with my dog at the time but, thinking the worst, I had a very bad anxiety attack. My dog didn't know what to do. Well, that made two of us.
It is completely irrational but I cannot shake it. So the added history of the technical fault making me uneasy is obviously not enough. Now that I seemingly have this nuclear thing enshrined in me after doing research I have to have an anxiety attack every time it comes on.
And before you say "well stop reading into nuclear stuff then", I can't. I find it way too interesting. It's a curse. I hate it.
But, here's the thing.
Prince Phillip is no spring chicken. Nor is the Queen. They'll both be dead within 10 years I'd expect.
THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN TWICE IN THE NEXT 10 YEARS AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT.
I only hope it's not when I'm watching telly or else I'm going to freak out. I know that sounds selfish but this shit really does scare me. I hoped I'd grow out of it but, as you can see, I haven't been able to. So I'm waiting for the day that I'm watching BBC, (it'll probably be during Doctor Who knowing my luck), I'll happily be enjoying the programme when, suddenly, BAM!
"We interrupt this programme to join BBC News 24 in London..."
Oh, and there's goes Josh in a nervous ball on the sofa. Why's he rocking forward and back in fear?
Who knows.
Definitely not looking forward to those days.
Give me a rocking horse over that situation any day of the week. At least I don't become a terrified wreck being around a rocking horse.
I promise I will explain that story another day.
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