I know.
Dear Future Fiancee.
If you're reading this then it probably means that you've had doubts. Doubts about us and perhaps doubts about how I feel about you. I can only assume that these doubts are mostly my fault. If I'm right and this is the case, please read on. You may find some solace in these words.
I'm sorry if I seem to be distant. But I'm probably trapped inside my own head. That's not uncommon as you know but if I seem distant or strange it's probably for a reason. And, I'm fairly sure, that problem is not to do with you.
I'm writing this on a day which is called 'Time To Talk' which is about mental health awareness. And, if I haven't already told you, I have a kind of mental illness. It's not my Autism or anything but I have paranoia and hypochondria. Some days it's crippling and I get anxiety and panic attacks from things that shouldn't even make me have them. Old snippets from my favourite radio play, The Last Broadcast, old soundbites from things that scared me in my childhood and noises in the night that are perfectly normal but heighten my senses no end. It's not a good way to live but I'm trying to get through it. And if I have you, and you've stuck by me, then I'm already winning the fight inside my head.
Listening to the voice in my head telling me I'm dying is not something that will go away easily however. "Oh? Chest pain? Heart attack". "Sudden cough? Lung cancer". "Headache? Aneurysm". It's a voice that I'm trying to control but sometimes he can be very loud. But he can't control me forever and he cannot change the path of my life forever. I can flood my head with a million and one different things and it'll shut him up for a while but that can't last forever. I don't want it to last forever. But this is what I'm scared about most. I'm scared that voice is going to destroy you. Or destroy us. I'm not sure what I'd do if it did.
Many people have mental health issues these days. Or at least, they're noticing them more and being more open about them. Especially the circles I find myself in so I wouldn't be surprised if you had a mental health issue as well. But this one has the capacity to do a number of dangerous things to me if I let it win. Some days I can find ways that I can beat it and I can remain triumphant as I stand over its body for a short time. Other days it completely cripples me and I feel I can't do anything at all. Or that I'm good at or for anything. It makes me remember things that have made me guilty in the past and it's almost like it's trying to taunt me into submission. Some days I win and some days it wins. It's a lottery depending on the circumstances.
But I can't let it destroy you. I won't let it destroy you. I will fight for as long as I can to make sure it doesn't and I will fight for as long as I need to protect you from it. I know that sounds crazy but I can't let it claim anyone else. So, if I am strange some days, this is why. There's a fight going on in my head and, sometimes, I need to send reinforcements which does become draining. So please don't think it's you. It is most definitely me. I've lost others to it before and I don't think I could lose you too.
But enough about me. I want to concentrate on you. This is in case the situation is reversed. If you're feeling how I feel then, here's a few things I want you to know.
You are amazing. I admire you for keeping up that fight. I know how that feels so I admire you for continuing it.
You are beautiful. You may not be a size zero or look like a supermodel or anything but that's not what beauty is. Not to me. That image of beauty is shallow beyond compare and what's really important is the human underneath that facade. The person behind that shadow and the woman underneath that image. I don't care you're not Jenna Coleman or Karen Gillan. Or Anna Kendrick or even Jennifer Lawrence. I don't need them because I have you and I love you for who YOU are. No one else.
True beauty is loving another human and being loved in return. I can't remember who said that originally but it's true. Beauty is being able to look at another human and go "I don't care about your flaws or your past". Whether they have a disability or a chequered past. A mind that's shattered into a million pieces or just a bit strange. Taking them as they are. If I'm with you, you obviously have that trait. To me, that is beautiful.
Just because you have that war inside your head, it doesn't make you any less a person. It makes you all the better. It makes you stronger because you've managed to survive that onslaught in your heart yet still find the time to let another person into your realm. That battle in your head makes you stronger than most because you know how it is to hurt. And, once you've been hurt, you don't always want other people to feel that same hurt. So, if you'll help me with my fight, I'll help you with yours whenever you want me to.
Just because you have a battle going on inside your head, it doesn't make you any less beautiful.
So. I hope this puts things at ease for you. Now. How about we get some ice cream, curl up and watch a film. Your choice. And, if it's a "chick-flick" I promise I'll sit through it and not complain. I'd rather just relax with you than any funny business. Who needs Netflix and Chill when you have Movies and Ice Cream?
Until next time.
Yours always.
Joshua.
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