A Realisation About The Changing Nature Of Friendship

People change and that's a fact of life.

So, I've been on this planet a while now. I'm halfway through my 21st year on this planet and I'm starting to realise a lot more things in less time. I guess this is the process of becoming an adult which, after a time, is irreversible but it doesn't make it any less annoying of suckish. But while I can wrap my head around the process of aches and pains, lack of sleep and general financial stuff, the one thing I'm struggling to come to terms with was the social aspect of being an adult.

That was until very recently when I came to terms with a number of things. And it revolves solely around my social circle.

For someone with ASD, I know a lot of people. Which is fine because it means I get some interesting conversations but those people are being continually made up more by people I've met in the past year or two while people I've known for years become more and more distant and unfamiliar. Not all of those people become complete strangers but some have which is distressing but the majority of them just become a little more distant that I guess I'm comfortable with.

But this is ok. It has to happen. It's that strange part of life which pisses everyone off called 'change and renewal'. Not only that, to look at it philosophically, these old people need to go and the new people need to arrive in order to get you to the next major milestone in your life. For example, I have some friends here at my university who I genuinely don't think I could be without right now. They give me laughter, they help me with the coursework and they give me a reason to go to lectures each day. Not only that, I have friends from uni who don't do my course and they also give me support, extra laughter and a reason to fight each day against things that are bound to go wrong.

But I also have friends from home who continue to support me and, when I see them, it's familiar and wonderful. We all catch up and we have fun just like we always used to do. But there are some friends I had for years who are...well...distant. And this is what distresses me.

My problem is that I like knowing people and I like being there for people if they need my help. And, vice versa, I depend on them. So when I get a friend who becomes distant over time it feels like a strange friendship graduation. They've graduated onto new experiences and new people which I have no issue with but it does make me feel sad when it happens. I don't mean to sound possessive by saying that but everyone goes through this, right?

But I realised recently that this is the natural order of things. This is the regeneration we undergo throughout our lives. And I've worked out why.

The next person you meet could be the person you marry.

The person you meet after that could end up being the person that saves your life.

The person after that could be the person that introduced your single mother to their single father and end up getting together.

These are obviously extremes but you see my point.

I'm a firm believer of the future being predetermined and that humans have little to now effect over its outcome. So, in keeping with this mantra, the people that leave our lives have a purpose as to why they do while the new people we meet come into our lives for a specific purpose. I don't necessarily think this reason is from a higher power or anything but I do think that each person that comes into our lives and has an effect on us is there for a logical reason that is yet to come to light.

A few examples from my own life.

A friend of mine called Tom convinced myself and a few of my other friends to attend the local youth club. We did and we then proceeded to spend most of our teenage life there and I'm still friends with a few people I knew from there.

My friend Frances is one of the first people I met at university. She's from New Zealand and seems to have ants in her pants as she seems to continually try new places before she settles down. (I know she'll probably read this so, please understand I'm exaggerating and joking as per usual, dear!) But Frances taught me a valuable lesson about keeping a long-distance friendship up. She's one of my closest friends despite the fact I've only seen her once since she left university and returned to Europe.

My friend and housemate, Josh, has been a rock to me this year in terms of how to live. He's helped teach me how to cook better meals as well as how to think more creatively and logically rather than just relying on my first instinct. As well as help me come to terms with my continually balding head. Mainly because he keeps making a load of bald jokes at every opportunity. Which I'm fine with...now...

These are just a few of many examples about the effect people have had on me personally. There are countless other people I could imagine and go into why they've helped me in some way but I'm writing this in a break from my dissertation so I shan't.

But the point is this. People are going to come and go and that's fine. Sometimes the reason for their leaving will be totally logical and fine while sometimes you'll get people leave for the stupidest of reasons. (But, let's face it, they're the ones you can do without. You don't need that shit hanging over you).

But as the friends I have left, distant or close, stand alongside me in our quest to conquer this queer little task called 'adulthood', it doesn't mean we're totally separate for good. Unless there's a reason to be that is. So if you have a friend who's distant and you care for, send them an email. Just ask how they're doing. Because this becomes a revealing test. If they value the friendship as you do, they'll reply. Because sometimes friends become distant naturally due to life getting in the way. If they don't reply, then you don't need them. They obviously don't want as much to do with you as they used to do so there's no point in chasing something that's not going to happen. Unless you're a stalker, you wouldn't keep going after someone you cared about after they rebuffed your affections so why do the same with people who don't want to put the effort into being friends with you anymore?

This may seem like common sense but having friends leave sucks. Not being able to help them out when they need it most sucks and not having them close to call them up and talk to them sucks too. I had one particular friend who could make me smile just by saying hello. But we sadly don't talk anymore. Not in the way we used to anyway. And, of course I'm sad about that but I'm not angry. Because shit happens. Life gets in the way. Besides, everyone's unique but you can find parallels. You find qualities in people you've known before and they'll do the same in you. So you find similar friends that way. And you'll make friends who'll be there for a couple of years and fade into the background and you'll also make friends who threaten you with death if you ever lose contact with them. (Has happened irl. I've learnt not to underestimate her ability to murder me).

So, the thought for today before I return to my dissertation? If you have a friend you care about, let them know. Not a long ass message explaining why but just let them know you're there and you care. If they say the same then you have a keeper. If you don't, don't bother with them anymore. It takes two to tango. But as long as you understand that not everyone can contact you all of the time then you should be ok. Because, well, life sucks most of them time and things get on top of us. But that's the beauty of friends. The ones who want to see you ok will be there when you need it most. And that's all that matters.

Thank you friends. You're awesome. Keep up the good work you saucy sheriffs.

The Final Song, With Little Chance Of An Encore

My song is ending soon. But the story never ends.

Music's been pretty good to me. I absolutely love it. I love listening to it, I love writing it and I especially love performing it. It's my ultimate detox and my ultimate catharsis and it's saved my life on a couple of occasions I'm sure. That's what makes this decision so goddamn hard. Writing music is the easy bit. It's what comes with it that's the difficult part.

I used to be in a band and, with the exception of a few particular moments, I can say it was one of the best times in my life. Against The Tide we were called. And we were good. I'm not just saying that because I'm biased but we were. And people liked us. We only performed in 3 towns in our county but, still, people enjoyed us and I loved being on that stage and making people get up and dance. I still remember thinking it was the best thing in the world watching people getting up and moving to a song I'd had a hand in writing. I still do.

But being in a band has a price. And, for me, it nearly cost me a few friendships.

While I was in ATT; things were great for a time but, obviously, as time went on things for more and more fraught. We started to have more and more arguments with each other (which started out as creative at first but then evolved slightly) and, as a result, tensions started to arise. Tensions overflowed a number of times as well which made the experience less fun for all involved. The best example I can think of is when one member complaining and storming out of a practise because he didn't like a certain riff in a song we were writing together at the time. However; this wasn't the only time that tensions took over.

Here's what I hated most about the whole thing though. Out of the 4 of us; I was spending the most time writing and demoing songs to present to the group. Now, with the exception of one song, I was particularly flexible about structure and music in each one but as long as the basic structure and foundations remained I wouldn't mind. I spent as many lunchtimes as I was allowed in the school studio trying to write new material for the band as we realised we were playing the same songs over and over. I would record the main guitars; I'd do a basic bassline and a (terrible) drum-beat. Now, these songs were never ever designed to be the final pieces but it was just an indication of the proposed structure, the tempo and feel of the song. However; two of my bandmates decided that my demos were rubbish and that perhaps I should leave the writing of their parts to them. While I explained I wasn't doing it to take over and it was only what I've previously described, they continued to tell me how nearly everything about the 7 or so demos I'd written in a month or two were terrible sounding and how I should just stop them because they were so bad. They mentioned the songs were ok but that the quality of the demos were terrible. This caused a pretty bad argument which ended with me telling them something along the lines of "well how about you two get of your arses and write songs as well then rather than letting me do everything".

That's what hurt the most for me. One of them would write a bassline and just work out the guitar around it, one would contribute drums when we ended up jamming stuff together and the other one would just contribute when he felt like it. I spent most of my time writing, perfecting and recording as many songs as possible just for ideas. And they knew this. So to be berated for doing the most work made no sense because they didn't seem to be doing anything to help me or even attempting to help. Credit where credit is due, the lead guitarist did help me in the school studio sometimes but I was the one spending the most time working things out and actually making an effort to take the band forward.

At least, that's how it felt. I didn't mind the fact that they didn't like the songs I was writing. But the reasons they were giving were, in my eyes, not justified and just plain stupid.

When we eventually decided to call it a day, I was obviously upset but it did feel like a weight had been lifted. For a number of reasons.

1. The songs I'd been writing were barely even considered. And I was the only one actually offering anything by that point. Our bassist once referred to me as "the song machine" so to have nearly all of them discarded was actually getting hurtful and it made me resentful of the band altogether.
2. We decided after recording our first EP that we wanted to change out direction slightly. However, the direction we were aiming for seemed to change every 5 minutes. So the songs I was writing to fit in the style were becoming outdated before they'd even heard the demos.
3. Our influences were changing. We started off as a heavy rock/metal band and that was fine. But our decision to change ourselves slightly, and the indecision to what that direction was, meant that our own influence were becoming incompatible and were seemingly irreconcilable. I've always been more influenced by bands like Muse, Queen and bands like this. Our lead guitarist at this stage was more into tech metal bands like Sikth, Aliases and others while our bassist and drummer were both getting more into jazz and music based more in mathematics rather than anything else. So the songs I was writing trying to keep up were seemingly only in-keeping with my own influences. This lead to tensions as, the songs that I wrote that were accepted, were suddenly changed beyond recognition. 
4. During the recording of the EP, tensions ran high during the recording of 'I Won't Die For You', our bassist (who had written the majority of the song) was getting quite agitated because certain things he envisioned weren't coming out in the song as well as certain things not being in the right places. While most of these were changeable on the spot, there were some things that he couldn't stand with even though the rest of us thought we'd all agreed it beforehand. (With the exception of my solo in the song which I did kind of do on my own). This was brought up again when 3/4 of my own composition, The Last Charade, was changed. While that argument was fine at the start, it did become very tiresome towards the end. Leading to more tensions.
5. We were starting to argue more publicly. We had a big row on stage before a gig at one point in front of the audience who had stayed to see us. This alienated some of them and we ended up only playing to about 6 people in total.
6. Also, I was going to university. So, with everything else and this as well, it felt like a natural point to bring it to an end.

After our split, I went off to Newport to go to university and I was convinced that I would do two things with my time there other than my studies. The first thing was I would record an EP myself and release it as a solo effort. But, in comparison to the ATT demos, I would spend more time making sure they were just right rather than them being just a rough thing to show off. The second thing was I would write more music suitable for ATT in the event that we decided to reform and give it another go which, at the time, seemed like a real possibility.

But, neither happened. I still wrote songs on my own but a solo EP actually being recorded was a pipe-dream at best. I left Newport shortly after arriving and my life went through a bit of a rough patch so music was, for once, the last thing on my mind.

While this struggle was going on though, I ended up writing what I consider to be my "masterpiece", 'Molly's Lullaby'. After writing and performing this for the first time, and it going down very well, I suddenly regained my passion for a solo project and tried to get it off the ground again. However, it was to be vain. Not only was the spectre of ATT over me, but other things got in the way and it meant that, once again, my dream of releasing a solo EP wasn't going to happen.

Once I went to Winchester, things started to become more excitable too. I felt my own music taste and influence starting to change and I was suddenly starting to write songs relevant to my uni experience. Once again, the opportunity to write, record and produce my EP on campus arose and I started writing in earnest. However, again, I was let down. And the chance to do this was taken from me once again for no reason other than sheer laziness (not on my part). 

I then struck fortune with my friend selling his old mac to me. I bought it with the sole purpose of recording with it. However, nothing is compatible with it and it barely works as it is. Acoustic music was all I could do. Which was fine to a point but I love the rock vibe and I couldn't do it with that/ So, once again, it didn't happen.

The final straw came last year when my friend said he would record a 5 track EP for me for free as a 21st birthday present. However, this was mentioned just before my birthday which gave me less than a month to write the music out for other people to learn and to practise them. Which couldn't happen. And now that time has passed and it's probably not even an option anymore. So, once again, nothing.

The rest of the time I've been here, I've tried continually to find a way write, record and produce an EP myself, for free, with me doing everything. However, it can't happen now. I'm too specific for my own good and I don't have enough money in order to pay someone to do it for me.

But this is the double edged sword. Someone pointed out to me last year that if I busked in the city I could perhaps save up the money to record a couple of songs in a studio. However. I don't like performing live on my own and I definitely do not have confidence in my own voice to do something like busking. Not alone anyway. But I don't have many musical friends here that have the time or the inclination to do it with me. So I keep writing and writing but to no avail. I can release my music with great difficulty and, in my eyes, only a quarter completed. And it's driving me mad.

But, for me, writing music is like my drug and my solace. I do it now because it makes me feel better but, in doing that, not being able to share my music in the way that I want to is causing me more mental turmoil and frustration that anything else. It's becoming a vicious cycle that I can't seem to break myself out of.

When I was a teenager, I was convinced that ATT would get signed. Or I'd find a new band in uni and we would get signed and it would all be great. I'd be a popular musician and I could campaign for all the causes I wanted and I could make a difference to people's lives. However, I realise now that this dream is incredibly naive and totally not achievable. Which saddens me but it's also comforting. Because I'm growing out of this now. After 7 years or so doing it I'm finally detoxing myself of it and I need to.

Which is why the decision to quit writing, recording and performing music is such a hard thing for me come to. Because I love it so much. But the opportunities are either there and I cannot take them or they're just not there. It depresses me but it's now starting to feel like something's trying to tell me that I need to let it go and move on now. Up until this year, if any of the old members of ATT came up to me and said "hey, let's reform and do some awesome music!", I'd have said yes. However, now, I'd tell them no. Because I can't keep going back into this cycle. It always ends the same way and I can't keep doing that to myself. It hurts too much.

So, in 2017, I'll have stopped doing this completely. I have a couple of commitments to stick to this year but, after that, that'll be it. I can't do this anymore and, while it saddens me that I won't be able to share this music that means so much to me with the world, perhaps it's better that way. The stuff I've already put out will still be there and I won't remove it but no new things will come out in 2017. I'll just be that twentysomething at the party who can play guitar and can play piano as a parlour trick. No new music will be written and nothing will be shared.

But, as far as my sanity is concerned, I've decided to share my Mind Retreat with the world in the form of the superhero universe I have in my head where myself and my friends are superheroes. I'm springboarding ideas in another blog (freakssuperherouniverse.blogspot.co.uk) and I'm hoping that, at some stage within the next 5 years, a full comic or graphic novel will be written and released. So I have something creative to work with but, as for music, I need to leave that motorway now and get off at the next junction. 

Of course, if a bona-fide solution comes along which remedies this, then this will change. But I have zero hope that will appear. So this is the final music I'll involve myself in music the way I have done for the past 7 years.

For those who have supported me in my endeavours in the past, I thank you more than I can say. It means a lot that you've been there through the rough and the smooth. But this is something I need to do.

One of the commitments I have this year involve me recording 1 original song and, I promise, I'll make it as good as I can. 

But, beyond that, someone else can write the songs I would've. 

I'm sure they'll do it better anyway.

Dear Future Fiancee (Post for #TimeToTalk)

I know.

Dear Future Fiancee.

If you're reading this then it probably means that you've had doubts. Doubts about us and perhaps doubts about how I feel about you. I can only assume that these doubts are mostly my fault. If I'm right and this is the case, please read on. You may find some solace in these words.

I'm sorry if I seem to be distant. But I'm probably trapped inside my own head. That's not uncommon as you know but if I seem distant or strange it's probably for a reason. And, I'm fairly sure, that problem is not to do with you.

I'm writing this on a day which is called 'Time To Talk' which is about mental health awareness. And, if I haven't already told you, I have a kind of mental illness. It's not my Autism or anything but I have paranoia and hypochondria. Some days it's crippling and I get anxiety and panic attacks from things that shouldn't even make me have them. Old snippets from my favourite radio play, The Last Broadcast, old soundbites from things that scared me in my childhood and noises in the night that are perfectly normal but heighten my senses no end. It's not a good way to live but I'm trying to get through it. And if I have you, and you've stuck by me, then I'm already winning the fight inside my head.

Listening to the voice in my head telling me I'm dying is not something that will go away easily however. "Oh? Chest pain? Heart attack". "Sudden cough? Lung cancer". "Headache? Aneurysm". It's a voice that I'm trying to control but sometimes he can be very loud. But he can't control me forever and he cannot change the path of my life forever. I can flood my head with a million and one different things and it'll shut him up for a while but that can't last forever. I don't want it to last forever. But this is what I'm scared about most. I'm scared that voice is going to destroy you. Or destroy us. I'm not sure what I'd do if it did.

Many people have mental health issues these days. Or at least, they're noticing them more and being more open about them. Especially the circles I find myself in so I wouldn't be surprised if you had a mental health issue as well. But this one has the capacity to do a number of dangerous things to me if I let it win. Some days I can find ways that I can beat it and I can remain triumphant as I stand over its body for a short time. Other days it completely cripples me and I feel I can't do anything at all. Or that I'm good at or for anything. It makes me remember things that have made me guilty in the past and it's almost like it's trying to taunt me into submission. Some days I win and some days it wins. It's a lottery depending on the circumstances.

But I can't let it destroy you. I won't let it destroy you. I will fight for as long as I can to make sure it doesn't and I will fight for as long as I need to protect you from it. I know that sounds crazy but I can't let it claim anyone else. So, if I am strange some days, this is why. There's a fight going on in my head and, sometimes, I need to send reinforcements which does become draining. So please don't think it's you. It is most definitely me. I've lost others to it before and I don't think I could lose you too.

But enough about me. I want to concentrate on you. This is in case the situation is reversed. If you're feeling how I feel then, here's a few things I want you to know.

You are amazing. I admire you for keeping up that fight. I know how that feels so I admire you for continuing it.

You are beautiful. You may not be a size zero or look like a supermodel or anything but that's not what beauty is. Not to me. That image of beauty is shallow beyond compare and what's really important is the human underneath that facade. The person behind that shadow and the woman underneath that image. I don't care you're not Jenna Coleman or Karen Gillan. Or Anna Kendrick or even Jennifer Lawrence. I don't need them because I have you and I love you for who YOU are. No one else.

True beauty is loving another human and being loved in return. I can't remember who said that originally but it's true. Beauty is being able to look at another human and go "I don't care about your flaws or your past". Whether they have a disability or a chequered past. A mind that's shattered into a million pieces or just a bit strange. Taking them as they are. If I'm with you, you obviously have that trait. To me, that is beautiful.

Just because you have that war inside your head, it doesn't make you any less a person. It makes you all the better. It makes you stronger because you've managed to survive that onslaught in your heart yet still find the time to let another person into your realm. That battle in your head makes you stronger than most because you know how it is to hurt. And, once you've been hurt, you don't always want other people to feel that same hurt. So, if you'll help me with my fight, I'll help you with yours whenever you want me to.

Just because you have a battle going on inside your head, it doesn't make you any less beautiful.

So. I hope this puts things at ease for you. Now. How about we get some ice cream, curl up and watch a film. Your choice. And, if it's a "chick-flick" I promise I'll sit through it and not complain. I'd rather just relax with you than any funny business. Who needs Netflix and Chill when you have Movies and Ice Cream?

Until next time.

Yours always.

Joshua.

What Should We Do With Autistic People?

Let's all laugh at the Aspie. Or not? You choose.

So, last night at a pub quiz, I was trying to find a name for my team. We usually try and be a bit edgy with our names in the hope of getting a little titter. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. It's the luck of draw.

I usually check a site called 'Sickipedia' in order to do that. Which is dangerous in itself because, if you've ever been on that site, you know that many of the jokes will be either racist or just plain insensitive. However, for the Cards Against Humanity enthusiasts out there, it's a bit of fun.

Last night, however, I tried something a little different. I looked up jokes about Autism. Just to see what would happen. Now, normally when someone makes a joke about Autism I can stand it. If it's funny and I haven't heard it before I will laugh. If it's just plain offensive, I'll probably just hit you.

Because, as with everything, there's a very fine line between being funny and just being a dick about things.

For example: This is a joke.

"Breaking News: Listening to Queen can cause Autism. Because of the high Mercury content".

This is not a joke:

"Vaccines cause Autism. It's basically a disease that causes you to become a brainless zombie in need of constant attention and a slap round the head".

See the difference?

Despite the fact they both kind of implicate the same thing, one is certainly a joke because of the wordplay. Given I'm Autistic and Queen is my favourite band, I couldn't help but clap this one. However, the second statement I put up is just ignorance. And there are people around the world who believe this too. Which is dangerous. Even America's dickhead supreme, Donald Trump, has referred to Autism as an 'epidemic' during a debate because of the use of vaccines.

So back to the question. Can we make jokes about Autism?

Here's my take.

Yes. I think you should be able to. As long as they're clever and sensitive.

The human race has this innate ability to laugh at itself and make jokes at others expense so why should that stop with Autism?

Now, as I say, you'll have to be careful with it because it is a very touchy subject for most people. Myself included. Now, my housemate often calls Autism a disease. But this is purely because he knows I hate that and I know he's saying it ironically. He knows it doesn't and I know he knows it doesn't so that's fine. However, if a random stranger came up to me in the street and said it to me, I may well end up in a police station...

The Big Bang Theory is quite obviously the closest thing to someone poking fun at Autism on television because of the character Sheldon Cooper. He is without doubt Autistic and it's so obvious that it hurts. However, they tackle his Autism in a very sensitive and delicate way. While he has many Autistic traits they put his behaviour down more to his own sense of self-importance rather than his Autism itself. Which I find very refreshing. Not only that, being ASD myself, I can relate to a lot of what he says and does. There are still social situations I find myself agreeing with Sheldon on and this is what makes it great for me to watch the show because, finally, we have a credible Autistic role model on TV. Jim Parsons, in my eyes, is a fantastic actor and plays the character with such sensitivity as well which makes it even better. And I think much the same of Mayim Bialik playing Amy Farrah-Fowler.

But the Big Bang Theory is only thing in a world of shows. Obviously, many people assume that Autistic people are like the main character from Rain Man because they've seen certain things that all point in that direction. While this is somewhat frustrating for me and, maybe, others, we should tolerate that and put it down to "well, at least they're trying to understand it".

What we shouldn't tolerate is when people try to suggest that Autism is a medical condition that can be contracted by a vaccine. Someone saying that angers me on a molecular level because it makes it seem that what I have is trivial and can easily be taken away.

It can't. Trust me. I spent 4 years between the ages of 10 and 14 trying to work out how and it can't be done.

Autism is not like Ebola or the Zika virus. It's not an epidemic or a pandemic that can treated with drugs and antivirals until it no longers exists.

AND IT CANNOT BE CURED BY SHOVING A CHLORINE DIOXIDE ENEMA UP YOUR CHILD'S BOTTOM. I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS NEEDS TO BE SAID BUT IT'S APPARENTLY SPREAD TO THE UK SO I FEEL I HAVE TO.

I could go on and on about how I hate the anti-vaxxers rhetoric and how they're putting their children at risk but I shan't. I don't want to bore you. I will say this though.

If you're an anti-vaxxer and your main reasoning for not giving your child's vaccines is because you think it'll give them Autism, you are not a loving parent. You are not a loving parent and you're not a good one either because that's basically saying "I don't want to give my children potentially life saving treatment in the slight chance my child is diagnosed with Autism in the future. I would rather my child die than have Autism".

How is that loving? How is that being a loving parent if you'd rather put your own beliefs before your children's lives? Good luck trying to justify your decision was right when your child is on their deathbed dying from Measles or something.

If you're an anti-vaxxer because you have genuine concerns about the chemicals and the chemicals alone (which I'm sure are the majority), I have no issue with you. I can get along happily with you but it's when you put your child at risk for the sake of an Autism diagnosis that I think you're an arsehole.

The danger of this kind of rhetoric turns Autism and ASDs into an industrial problem which it most surely isn't. It's a personal problem for those who have it and for the immediate family of those who have it. To dangerously align something like vaccinations to Autism leads to a very dangerous downward spiral in creating stigma and prejudice against those with ASD.

I'm not proud of this but, one day at school, a boy who was in my friendship group at the time continually made very derogatory comments about children with Autism while I was around. He was giving them names such as "zombies", "braindead" and "freaky braindeads" and I saw red. I lost it. I grabbed his throat and threw him against a nearby wall shouting at him for saying such things. Like I say, I'm not proud of doing that, but he didn't do it again while I was around.

I'm not suggesting that's how we should deal with these people. I was 13 at the time, he didn't know I had ASD and I was full of raging hormones. What I am suggesting, however, it disprove these arseholes but using words rather than actions. While I still do get physically angry when I see or hear someone use similar rhetoric, self-control is key because, at the end of the day, it's what they believe.

In Western society; we love free speech. But here's the thing. You have the right to free speech and that's fine. But just because you have that right to free speech, it doesn't protect you from the right to be criticised. If you say something like that, you need to be challenged. Not only because there's tonnes of scientific research proving you wrong but because you need to be challenged to avoid perpetuating a very damaging rhetoric for those who have it. Words can be used to create hate. We've seen it all through history against the Jews and other disabled groups and we're seeing it now with Muslims in the light of the so-called Islamic State's prominence. With the right words and the right advocates at the right time, you can make a group sub-human.

Being Autistic, I feel a kinship with others who have it too. And, for me, it almost feels like we're a collective with a pathweb. If one of us is badly treated, it feels like a personal attack on the rest of us. I can't explain why that's the case where I'm concerned but it does. Which is why I'd rather dedicate my life trying to eradicate anti-vaccination rhetoric against Autism and stupid "treatments" like MMS rather than stay quiet. Not everyone with Autism has the ability to fight or speak for themselves so I'd rather help and defend them as someone who can.

One person with Autism I've met is also non-verbal. Most people would assume he's not very clever, social or even capable of many things. However, and I mean this, he is one of the cleverest, well-spoke and most erudite people I've ever had the pleasure to meet.

Another young man I know who has Aspergers is one of the maddest, craziest and happy people I know. However, his approach to his Aspergers puts me to shame. He takes it in his stride all the time and loves the fact he's unique and different. When I was much younger, I was the complete opposite. So it's refreshing to see someone have this attitude.

And, to balance things slightly, I've known a young lady with Autism since were both very young. And she's also mad, bonkers and strange. But she's still one of the most amazing people I have the pleasure to know.

If you see someone say that Autism is caused by vaccines, laugh at them and tell them they're dead wrong. If you see someone say Autism is a disease, laugh at them and call them dead wrong. Because they are. And, if you see a joke about Autism, laugh! So long as it's tasteful and not offensive. Because we have to make light of situations like these in order to cope. The human race is weird and wonderful and people with Autism and ASD are one corner in that weird and wonderful cacophony of stories.

So what should we do with Autistic people? Accept them. Help them. Not demonise them.

I can't believe we're in the 21st century and that needs to be said...

"We interrupt this programme to join BBC News 24 in London..."

Ok...title's a bit misleading.

Ok, I'm terrified of my television. Well, no more than the next person. So I should probably get on with explaining why the title's a bit misleading.

I'm not scared of television itself but I'm scared of something that sometimes happens on television. It doesn't happen so much now...which is arguably worse...but it still happens sometimes nonetheless.

To give some basic context: I've had problems with paranoia in the past. Some of it is arguably down to my Aspergers but some of it is also down to the fact I'm just a nervous person in general. This means I can get freaked out by the weirdest things. Here are some of the things I'm genuinely scared of:

• Spiders
• Insects
• Snakes
• Frogs/Toads
• Some Fish
• Dying Young
• Rocking Horses

Yeah I'm not going into the last one right now. Because that's a different story for another time and this post is not about why I'm scared of rocking horses.

What I am scared about though is something a lot stranger and completely irrational. But to me, it's very real.

I'm scared of Technical Difficulties on my television. 

And, when I say technical difficulties, I don't mean a fuse blown or the screen not working. I mean when a programme is happily going on and we're enjoying it and then it all goes weird and black and then that horrible red card comes up with the television announcer explaining that we'll be back with the programme momentarily.

Now, I'm scared of this for two reasons. One of them has a historical basis and the other is the irrational one.

The historical context is that this technical difficulties card has always scared me. I cannot explain why and I don't want to theorise why but it always has. It used to scare me because it was, for a time, complete uncertainty as to what was going on. And it always felt like something bad was about to happen. But, either way, the technical fault cards used to scare me and make me very uncomfortable indeed.

(Another thing that used to scare me was the "If You've Been Affected By Any Of The Issues In...". That I genuinely cannot being to explain because I just don't know. It just used to really make me uncomfortable and scared when it came up. Which, watching EastEnders in the early 2000s, used to happen an awful lot).

Even worse than this is when a programme is interrupted so that breaking news comes through.

Now, when I'm watching BBC News 24, Breaking News comes through all the time. That's not weird. I can cope with that fine. What I can't cope with is when the BBC cuts to the news halfway through another programme. Because, again, this used to scare past me because of the uncertainty and, when Breaking News happens, it's never good. 

The one time I vividly remember this happening was in 2002 when the Queen Mother died.

I remember it was a rainy day and Mum and I were playing board games to pass the time. We were also watching a programme that was hosted by Bob Monkhouse. I used to love Bob Monkhouse so I was in my element. Suddenly, the screen went black and the BBC Two card came up.

"We interrupt this programme to join BBC News 24 in London..."

Writing that sentence just then sent a shiver up my spine. Imagine what it was like at the time. It completely ruined the day because I remember having such fun with the board games but now all I remember is the Breaking News about the Queen Mother. A memory which I'd rather forget if I'm honest.

The irrational context is a little different. And it's my own fault entirely. But I've since learned that there are two reasons why the Television can break into a programme to join a news broadcast. One of them is the death of a Royal. (In this country anyway). The other is for the Emergency Broadcast System should a nuclear strike/biological outbreak/anything else similar should occur. I found this out the hard way by looking into it. I was looking into nuclear broadcasts for a song I was writing with my cousin but it later escalated into morbid research. The broadcasts themselves were fine. But it mocked up how they would look on television with the programme running and then the Emergency Broadcast cutting into them. This triggered many anxiety attacks over the coming weeks.

Now, I know that it's unlikely the situation will ever occur.

But here's why I'm scared of the television.

Every time a channel has technical difficulties, I think a nuclear bomb's about to go off. And I cannot shake it. I cannot no matter how hard I try.

The most recent case of this was back in the Autumn during the Channel 4 show THE LAST LEG. In the final part of the show, the channel experienced technical difficulties and it cut to the technical fault card for Channel 4. I was alone downstairs with my dog at the time but, thinking the worst, I had a very bad anxiety attack. My dog didn't know what to do. Well, that made two of us.

It is completely irrational but I cannot shake it. So the added history of the technical fault making me uneasy is obviously not enough. Now that I seemingly have this nuclear thing enshrined in me after doing research I have to have an anxiety attack every time it comes on.

And before you say "well stop reading into nuclear stuff then", I can't. I find it way too interesting. It's a curse. I hate it.

But, here's the thing.

Prince Phillip is no spring chicken. Nor is the Queen. They'll both be dead within 10 years I'd expect.

THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN TWICE IN THE NEXT 10 YEARS AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT.

I only hope it's not when I'm watching telly or else I'm going to freak out. I know that sounds selfish but this shit really does scare me. I hoped I'd grow out of it but, as you can see, I haven't been able to. So I'm waiting for the day that I'm watching BBC, (it'll probably be during Doctor Who knowing my luck), I'll happily be enjoying the programme when, suddenly, BAM!

"We interrupt this programme to join BBC News 24 in London..."

Oh, and there's goes Josh in a nervous ball on the sofa. Why's he rocking forward and back in fear?

Who knows.

Definitely not looking forward to those days.

Give me a rocking horse over that situation any day of the week. At least I don't become a terrified wreck being around a rocking horse. 

I promise I will explain that story another day.