SOMEONE HELP ME I CAN'T ADULT. I CAN'T MAKE GROWN UP DECISIONS AND STUFF.
I'M ALSO FEELING THE NEED TO BAKE MORE CAKES WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME.
I've been thinking. I've been thinking about a lot of things recently and I've realized something quite important.
I don't know what makes me happy.
When I say that, I mean I am happy right now. Living in the moment I'm really happy. I'm loving my university course, I have some amazing friends (some made very recently) and I'm very contented in nearly every other aspect of my life. However, there's one thing I'm not happy with and, to me, it's something quite important.
All my life I've tried to live with a certain plan ahead of me. So I have a goal of where I'm going. I got to uni, that was a big goal for me for a long time as, believe it or not, I originally wanted to be a teacher. But when I got here that all changed. I realized I probably wouldn't be good as a teacher and, frankly, the politics inside a school environment bore and infuriate me. I love working in schools don't get me wrong but I don't think I could stick it.
One of my major plans of late is to study a masters degree abroad. Frankly, I want to get out of the UK for a couple of years and experience a completely different country. Throw myself into the deep end if you like. You might remember I asked any Scandinavian readers if they could tell me what living in their countries was like as i'm slightly torn between Denmark and Sweden. However, the chance to possibly go to America has arisen so I'm also looking into this as, I have always wanted to go Stateside.
But what masters I want to do is still completely beyond me. There are courses I have my eye on but I'm, as I've always been, indecisive. I still don't know what to do and it's this year I ought to start applying for Masters degrees if that's what I'm going to do. I'm constantly doing soul-searching about this but not a lot comes up. I see a course and go "ah that'd be really interesting to do!" But then the realist in me comes out and says "yeah...but is that really what you want to do?" And then I go "probably not".
Here's what I do know.
- After doing some soul-searching since Christmas, I'll probably move back to Dorset (where I'm from) after my masters. It's somewhere I know, somewhere I feel safe and I'd rather be within driving distance of my mum, my nan and my friends. My teenage self would have a hissy fit if he saw this because I spent many years trying to get out of there but, as I'll explain in another post soon, it's not a bad place to be. And my younger self can go fuc...
- I'd love a dog. Golden Retriever preferably but I'm not fussy. Although that's slightly irrelevant right now.
- I want to do something that makes people happy. I'm a smile addict. I thrive off smiling myself and making others smile, even if it's for a moment. The smile is the most wonderful physical thing about a human being to me because it shows so much for so little time. And I don't care what I end up doing if it makes someone smile for a minute, an hour or a day. (That said, I draw the line at sex work). I just love trying to entertain people and make people smile so if I can be in a job or a career where I can do that a number of times a day for the rest of my life then I'll die a happy man.
- I want to be involved in the local community. It had 18 years of putting up with me, it's only fair I try and give something back. In any capacity they want me to. If I could help out at the youth club where I spent much of my teenage life then that'd be great but I'm open to the concept of other things.
- I'm seriously considering running for MP when I'm a lot older. If British Politics carries on the way it does, I might not be able to stand back anymore. That said, if I was 25 years older I'd run in this election but hey, I'm a 90's kid. I also can't imagine running anywhere other than the North Dorset constituency as that's where I'm from. So providing I'm still alive and kicking in 25 years, keep an eye on the ballot papers. You might see my name there.
Beyond that, I haven't the foggiest.
I had a dream the other night that I opened up a successful comic book/geeky stuff shop called 'Nerdvana' and I was happy when I woke up from that. How awesome would that be? I'd be awesome at running a comic book shop.
Part of me has always kind of wanted to have my own shop. When I was a teenager I used to write half-baked ideas for music shops selling instruments, sheet music and actual CDs and stuff but, recently, my love for comics has exploded and now I think a comic book shop would be a better idea. But then there has to be a niche in the local market. There are a lot of geeky people and gamers where I come from. (Mainly because that's all there is to do where I grew up) so I think it might be cool...but who knows.
But that's the thing. The idea of that made me happy. The idea of me having my own business and shop (with two very good friend I should add!) filled me with joy. More than any joy I've felt looking through these different courses abroad. Maybe that's the little kid inside me going "OH MY GOD OPEN A SHOP OPEN A SHOP OPEN A SHOP AND SELL MILKSHAKES. AND JELLY BABIES. AND FREE WI-FI. IT'LL BE AWESOME", Or maybe it's actually a gut feeling. I don't know.
Believe it or not, there is little me's voice inside my head saying stuff like that sometimes. Not sure it'd that's bad or MPD...
But if I can't make this kind of decision then can I adult? Can I make tough decisions if I can't decide what I really want to do in the future. The ship to become a teacher has well and truly sailed I think so I don't feel it'd be right to go back to that. Not given the course I'm doing. Thanks to that, if I did decide to be a teacher again, I wouldn't have a lot of wriggle room. So what do I do?
I know I'm not the only one in this position. A friend and I have been making jokes recently that we "can't adult" (which is where the title comes from). But I think, deep down, we can't. None of us can really. I think that adulthood is about making everything up as you go along and pretend that was the plan all along.
That sentence also describes Doctor Who in a nutshell.
But this is the only thing about myself I'm not happy with. And, to be honest, I don't think it'll go for a number of years to come because this is one of those things that comes to fruition long term. Which sucks but at the same time it's how it has to be. I guess that's the fun thing about the future. You never know what's going to come around the corner!
So, Josh, what do you want to be when you grow up?
My answer: TBC,
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