I Remember...

I remember waking up one morning and the sun was shining through the curtains
I remember thinking what a beautiful morning as I ripped them open
I remember wanting to go outside with my friend til it was dark
I remember getting dressed just to go and run and start

I remember knocking on his door with such excitement
I remember him answering it as his expression remained silent
I remember wanting to go on an adventure
And I remember wanting to do it again in the future...

I remember finding an old field lush and green
I remember getting our bikes and riding across it
I remember taking an unknown turn at the end
I remember finding a swing on a tree just around the bend
And that's when it all changed...

I remember things you'll never understand
And times you'll never have.

I remember looking at it with eyes so damn wide
I remember swinging on it, up and down, side to side
I remember thinking that I'd never felt more alive
I remember wanting to be there for the rest of time
I remember going back every day for the next week
I remember it being broken and we did everything we could to try and fix it

I remember things you'll never understand
And times you'll never have.

I remember claiming it as our own
I remember calling it our second home
I remember going back shortly after
I remember the bare field an image from a nuclear disaster
I remember running through it and the swing had gone
I remember thinking that we'd been so very wronged

I remember things you'll never understand
And times you'll never have.

But then I remembered the good times we'd had on that swing
I remember it becoming the symbol for everything
I remember those times whenever I start to feel down
I remember that swing and how the kids can't feel like that now
While they become corrupted by computers
Being fed by a Government that doesn't care
They miss out on the wonders of this wider world
They don't know what it's like to feel alive...

I remember things you'll never understand
And times you'll never have
I remember a time before we were corrupted
And times you'll never have...

Autistic Spectrum Disorders and the Battle of Egos

Happy Autism Awareness Month

As somebody with ASD, April is a rather interesting month for me as it's now referred to in many circles as 'Autism Awareness Month'. As someone who's proud to acknowledge the fact they have ASD, I'm mostly pleased that such a month exists. After all, if there can be a week commemorating the humble sausage, why shouldn't there be a month in which Autism gets a look in?

This said, it is also a point of contention among many. For the past year and a bit I have been involved in many Facebook pages related to ASD. Some of them are...interesting...to say the least but a lot of them do raise very good points about having ASD in the 21st Century. Here are some things I've learnt being on these pages.

• There's a strange civil war-esque situation going on between various ASD groups. It also appears that, in some groups, there's a strange hierarchy and a messiah-esque figurehead leading the group. This concerns me slightly as it appears cult-esque. And Autism is not a cult.
• There are a lot of people who want people with ASD eradicated from the planet.
• We all harbour a similar hatred for anti-vaxxers who solely blame vaccines for their child having Autism. (But this is a whole different blog post).
• But we all have the capacity to share our experiences and help each other out when we can like a community. And it's usually by way of humour and slight poking of fun but it's all in jest so it makes it fun to be around.

While I enjoy being in some of these groups, it has led me to question certain things about the overall perception of ASD in Western culture. And this can be seen in some of the groups I've either been in and left or come across.

Firstly, there are a worrying number of groups on Facebook that advocate the use of a Chlorine Ennema as a cure for ASD. These groups not only advocate this, but they are also full of parents who have subjected their children to these, frankly, horrific happenstances. I can't even begin, or want to, imagine what that must be like for a child, who finds the world scary enough as it is, to be betrayed by their parents and have what can be a dangerous chemical inserted into your rectum in the hope it biologically changes the very core of who you are as a person. I get that parents want their children to have the best in life and want to be accepted into society but there is a line and I personally feel that these activities majorly cross that line.

Secondly, there are certain people in the world and on Facebook who declare themselves as a kind of messiah figure for people with ASD. Now, this bothers me for a number of reasons. To start, no one person has the right to claim to speak for everyone in a certain group unless they have been democratically elected. I understand that there needs to be a voice for people with ASD but it should be done by committee, not by one single individual who claims that they have the right to do so. 

Furthermore, Autism should not be politicized by any company or any individual. To have a single representative for people with ASD either in all or just on social media is, in a way, politicizing us. By doing this, you run the risk of having a faction of people with ASD who act like so-called-'Feminazis' who take the idea feminism so far it becomes male hating. These people piss me off as it is without having it in the context of ASD. 

What would be the point of having a group of people with ASD who decide that they hate people who are, for lack of a better term, "neuro-typical"? There isn't a point. And if you have one person claiming to speak for everyone it becomes ideological, as with mainstream politics globally.

In doing this, it also makes ASD look like some kind of cult which it most certainly is not. This is where divisions get created. Remember the civil-war-esque situation I mentioned earlier? If this continues then it will cause massive divisions in these groups like, to be honest, it already has. There are a number of conflicts and divisions within these groups, many of which are frankly petty. You'd have thought that a group of people going through similar experiences would find some common ground in a larger playing field but you'd be surprised. We get enough division as a result of the Autism Speaks brand as it is without it festering at ground level.

In my experience in these groups, I've met some people who are frankly brilliant. But there are other people in these groups who just completely miss the point of what they are set up for and just cause trouble for the sake of causing trouble. Which wouldn't bother me so much if there weren't "alliances" being made. 

Trust me, I know how ridiculous that sounds.

I know this sounds slightly strange but there are examples of where one person has caused a lot of trouble and people have joined their side while others have completely disagreed. (I'm not going to mention names in this as I'm sure you've already worked out). This then causes a lot of miscommunication among these groups and pits one against another. Which is not what should be happening. 

This is why I welcome Autism Awareness Month and I also dread it at the same time. At a local level, I'm happy to promote Autism and promote further understanding of it as a number of people I've grown up with are now being identified as Autistic. In fact, recently, one of my friends illustrated a book and attended a convention in the North of England in relation to it. But I fear that Autism Awareness Month could become exploited by companies such as Autism Speaks and certain individuals who appear to have some kind of God Complex about themselves and manipulate it for their own means. I'm not saying they will but, if it were to happen, April every year would be the opportune moment to do it.

This said, this is only my opinion so it should not be taken as gospel truth as there will always be certain things I don't know about individuals and I'm only going off what I've experienced about them in the past. And I'm not trying to bash anyone by writing this piece which is quite important to me, But I can't help but worry about what could happen if this battle of egos gets out of control...

#DearMe

"A man is the sum of his memories..."

So there's this thing at the moment online called '#DearMe' which is where people reveal what advice they'd give to their younger selves should the opportunity arise. Now, I think it's directed more at women, but I think that everyone should have a bash at this as most people have some decent advice that they would most certainly impart given the option. So, I thought I'd give it a bash, being obsessed with timelines and time travel and all.

So please bear with me. This might take a moment or two.

1: That asteroid you heard about on the news is going to miss us completely. In fact, you see it go by through a pair of binoculars. And you taunt it a bit. In fact you look a right mug doing it but that doesn't matter. Yes the imagery they put on ITV News of Armageddon and Deep Impact to illustrate their point is enough to unnerve anyone but getting worked up about it only leads to hours of therapy and years of paranoia which, to be honest, never really goes away. So don't think about it too much.

2: You're going to meet some of the best friends you'll ever have in your teenage years and at university. I could name every single one of them if I wanted to. Obviously you've still got Joe, you'll meet Tabby, Rachel, George, Anne, Becky, Tom and Sammy again which will be fun. But then through them, you'll meet Julia, Stephi, Joshua and at uni you'll meet people like Johanna, Robbie, Sam, Sean. Ems, Zoe, Kayleigh, Kira, Declan and many others at Winchester and at Newport like Mary, Zeke and others. So, although you might feel somewhat lonely right now, it does get better. You'll also meet some wonderful people at Toby's too but that's another story!

3. You'll make mistakes in the romance department. Yes. It is a department. A bloody big one too. You'll meet some wonderful young women but for reasons, not always because of you, they don't stick. But that's fine. These things happen. You've gotta keep moving on as you never quite know what's around the corner. 

4. Most importantly of all, try to smile as often as you can. It's not always going to be easy, needed or appropriate but it's better to smile rather than frown. You have a temper on you and it's better to try and keep that side of us hidden. Because, trust me, putting your fist to a door-frame REALLY hurts. We do have that streak but it's better to not give it fuel. People will continually try to test you and annoy you and try to hurt you about how you look, how you think and what you like as well as blame you for shit you haven't even done. But the sooner you start to care less what people think of you, the better your life will become. And if all else fails, refer to the picture below for guidance in times of need!

No, not that one, this one:

*I have left some names out of my best friend list but that's because I wrote this in a rush as I'm meant to be finishing an essay. I love all of my friends equally.

Cardiopath: EP Update

Music-ness

So the process of recording my first solo EP is well underway and it's going through the slow process of actually being recorded. I've hit a few snags but nothing that can't be fixed. Considering that I have a lot of work to do for uni at the moment it's kind of taking a back-burner for the moment but over the Easter holidays and after my exam it's pretty much going to be my life apart from work and friends and dissertation research.

HOWEVER. I have nearly finished the guitar work to one of the songs (which I shall not name yet) and the others are in the process of starting to be recorded. The track-listing has been decided and finalized and the name of the EP has also been decided. It's not sticking to one genre particularly, I've tried to diversify it a bit but I guess it would be classed as 'Alternative' as I have no freaking idea how one would classify it.

Anyway, here's the tracklisting for the EP:

The Human Experience
Cinta Senjati

Class War!

Girl In The Library

Eccentric Circles

Don't ask me about when it will be released as I have no idea yet. Hopefully in the summer if all goes to plan but somehow I reckon it'll be out in Autumn. I'd love to play it live at some stage too. Got some cool ideas for live shows so if anyone wants to help me out then let me know!

I hope I can share something with you soon. I already know what the first single's going to be and, if you like Black Sabbath, you might like the song...

In the meantime, check out this awesome collab I did with my cousin who makes electronic music, MARVIN called 'Keep Calm...'

Until next time!

UPDATE:

Second collab with MARVIN called 'I Don't Know Yet'. Feel free to check it out!

Don't Make Me Adult...I Can't Adult...

Give me a long kiss goodnight and everything will be alright. Tell me that I won't feel a thing so give me Novocaine...

SOMEONE HELP ME I CAN'T ADULT. I CAN'T MAKE GROWN UP DECISIONS AND STUFF. 

I'M ALSO FEELING THE NEED TO BAKE MORE CAKES WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME.

I've been thinking. I've been thinking about a lot of things recently and I've realized something quite important.

I don't know what makes me happy.

When I say that, I mean I am happy right now. Living in the moment I'm really happy. I'm loving my university course, I have some amazing friends (some made very recently) and I'm very contented in nearly every other aspect of my life. However, there's one thing I'm not happy with and, to me, it's something quite important.

All my life I've tried to live with a certain plan ahead of me. So I have a goal of where I'm going. I got to uni, that was a big goal for me for a long time as, believe it or not, I originally wanted to be a teacher. But when I got here that all changed. I realized I probably wouldn't be good as a teacher and, frankly, the politics inside a school environment bore and infuriate me. I love working in schools don't get me wrong but I don't think I could stick it.

One of my major plans of late is to study a masters degree abroad. Frankly, I want to get out of the UK for a couple of years and experience a completely different country. Throw myself into the deep end if you like. You might remember I asked any Scandinavian readers if they could tell me what living in their countries was like as i'm slightly torn between Denmark and Sweden. However, the chance to possibly go to America has arisen so I'm also looking into this as, I have always wanted to go Stateside. 

But what masters I want to do is still completely beyond me. There are courses I have my eye on but I'm, as I've always been, indecisive. I still don't know what to do and it's this year I ought to start applying for Masters degrees if that's what I'm going to do. I'm constantly doing soul-searching about this but not a lot comes up. I see a course and go "ah that'd be really interesting to do!" But then the realist in me comes out and says "yeah...but is that really what you want to do?" And then I go "probably not".

Here's what I do know.

- After doing some soul-searching since Christmas, I'll probably move back to Dorset (where I'm from) after my masters. It's somewhere I know, somewhere I feel safe and I'd rather be within driving distance of my mum, my nan and my friends. My teenage self would have a hissy fit if he saw this because I spent many years trying to get out of there but, as I'll explain in another post soon, it's not a bad place to be. And my younger self can go fuc...

- I'd love a dog. Golden Retriever preferably but I'm not fussy. Although that's slightly irrelevant right now.

- I want to do something that makes people happy. I'm a smile addict. I thrive off smiling myself and making others smile, even if it's for a moment. The smile is the most wonderful physical thing about a human being to me because it shows so much for so little time. And I don't care what I end up doing if it makes someone smile for a minute, an hour or a day. (That said, I draw the line at sex work). I just love trying to entertain people and make people smile so if I can be in a job or a career where I can do that a number of times a day for the rest of my life then I'll die a happy man.

- I want to be involved in the local community. It had 18 years of putting up with me, it's only fair I try and give something back. In any capacity they want me to. If I could help out at the youth club where I spent much of my teenage life then that'd be great but I'm open to the concept of other things.

- I'm seriously considering running for MP when I'm a lot older. If British Politics carries on the way it does, I might not be able to stand back anymore. That said, if I was 25 years older I'd run in this election but hey, I'm a 90's kid. I also can't imagine running anywhere other than the North Dorset constituency as that's where I'm from. So providing I'm still alive and kicking in 25 years, keep an eye on the ballot papers. You might see my name there.

Beyond that, I haven't the foggiest. 

I had a dream the other night that I opened up a successful comic book/geeky stuff shop called 'Nerdvana' and I was happy when I woke up from that. How awesome would that be? I'd be awesome at running a comic book shop.

Part of me has always kind of wanted to have my own shop. When I was a teenager I used to write half-baked ideas for music shops selling instruments, sheet music and actual CDs and stuff but, recently, my love for comics has exploded and now I think a comic book shop would be a better idea. But then there has to be a niche in the local market. There are a lot of geeky people and gamers where I come from. (Mainly because that's all there is to do where I grew up) so I think it might be cool...but who knows.

But that's the thing. The idea of that made me happy. The idea of me having my own business and shop (with two very good friend I should add!) filled me with joy. More than any joy I've felt looking through these different courses abroad. Maybe that's the little kid inside me going "OH MY GOD OPEN A SHOP OPEN A SHOP OPEN A SHOP AND SELL MILKSHAKES. AND JELLY BABIES. AND FREE WI-FI. IT'LL BE AWESOME", Or maybe it's actually a gut feeling. I don't know.

Believe it or not, there is little me's voice inside my head saying stuff like that sometimes. Not sure it'd that's bad or MPD...

But if I can't make this kind of decision then can I adult? Can I make tough decisions if I can't decide what I really want to do in the future. The ship to become a teacher has well and truly sailed I think so I don't feel it'd be right to go back to that. Not given the course I'm doing. Thanks to that, if I did decide to be a teacher again, I wouldn't have a lot of wriggle room. So what do I do?

I know I'm not the only one in this position. A friend and I have been making jokes recently that we "can't adult" (which is where the title comes from). But I think, deep down, we can't. None of us can really. I think that adulthood is about making everything up as you go along and pretend that was the plan all along.

That sentence also describes Doctor Who in a nutshell.

But this is the only thing about myself I'm not happy with. And, to be honest, I don't think it'll go for a number of years to come because this is one of those things that comes to fruition long term. Which sucks but at the same time it's how it has to be. I guess that's the fun thing about the future. You never know what's going to come around the corner! 

So, Josh, what do you want to be when you grow up?

My answer: TBC,