A Realisation About The Changing Nature Of Friendship

People change and that's a fact of life.

So, I've been on this planet a while now. I'm halfway through my 21st year on this planet and I'm starting to realise a lot more things in less time. I guess this is the process of becoming an adult which, after a time, is irreversible but it doesn't make it any less annoying of suckish. But while I can wrap my head around the process of aches and pains, lack of sleep and general financial stuff, the one thing I'm struggling to come to terms with was the social aspect of being an adult.

That was until very recently when I came to terms with a number of things. And it revolves solely around my social circle.

For someone with ASD, I know a lot of people. Which is fine because it means I get some interesting conversations but those people are being continually made up more by people I've met in the past year or two while people I've known for years become more and more distant and unfamiliar. Not all of those people become complete strangers but some have which is distressing but the majority of them just become a little more distant that I guess I'm comfortable with.

But this is ok. It has to happen. It's that strange part of life which pisses everyone off called 'change and renewal'. Not only that, to look at it philosophically, these old people need to go and the new people need to arrive in order to get you to the next major milestone in your life. For example, I have some friends here at my university who I genuinely don't think I could be without right now. They give me laughter, they help me with the coursework and they give me a reason to go to lectures each day. Not only that, I have friends from uni who don't do my course and they also give me support, extra laughter and a reason to fight each day against things that are bound to go wrong.

But I also have friends from home who continue to support me and, when I see them, it's familiar and wonderful. We all catch up and we have fun just like we always used to do. But there are some friends I had for years who are...well...distant. And this is what distresses me.

My problem is that I like knowing people and I like being there for people if they need my help. And, vice versa, I depend on them. So when I get a friend who becomes distant over time it feels like a strange friendship graduation. They've graduated onto new experiences and new people which I have no issue with but it does make me feel sad when it happens. I don't mean to sound possessive by saying that but everyone goes through this, right?

But I realised recently that this is the natural order of things. This is the regeneration we undergo throughout our lives. And I've worked out why.

The next person you meet could be the person you marry.

The person you meet after that could end up being the person that saves your life.

The person after that could be the person that introduced your single mother to their single father and end up getting together.

These are obviously extremes but you see my point.

I'm a firm believer of the future being predetermined and that humans have little to now effect over its outcome. So, in keeping with this mantra, the people that leave our lives have a purpose as to why they do while the new people we meet come into our lives for a specific purpose. I don't necessarily think this reason is from a higher power or anything but I do think that each person that comes into our lives and has an effect on us is there for a logical reason that is yet to come to light.

A few examples from my own life.

A friend of mine called Tom convinced myself and a few of my other friends to attend the local youth club. We did and we then proceeded to spend most of our teenage life there and I'm still friends with a few people I knew from there.

My friend Frances is one of the first people I met at university. She's from New Zealand and seems to have ants in her pants as she seems to continually try new places before she settles down. (I know she'll probably read this so, please understand I'm exaggerating and joking as per usual, dear!) But Frances taught me a valuable lesson about keeping a long-distance friendship up. She's one of my closest friends despite the fact I've only seen her once since she left university and returned to Europe.

My friend and housemate, Josh, has been a rock to me this year in terms of how to live. He's helped teach me how to cook better meals as well as how to think more creatively and logically rather than just relying on my first instinct. As well as help me come to terms with my continually balding head. Mainly because he keeps making a load of bald jokes at every opportunity. Which I'm fine with...now...

These are just a few of many examples about the effect people have had on me personally. There are countless other people I could imagine and go into why they've helped me in some way but I'm writing this in a break from my dissertation so I shan't.

But the point is this. People are going to come and go and that's fine. Sometimes the reason for their leaving will be totally logical and fine while sometimes you'll get people leave for the stupidest of reasons. (But, let's face it, they're the ones you can do without. You don't need that shit hanging over you).

But as the friends I have left, distant or close, stand alongside me in our quest to conquer this queer little task called 'adulthood', it doesn't mean we're totally separate for good. Unless there's a reason to be that is. So if you have a friend who's distant and you care for, send them an email. Just ask how they're doing. Because this becomes a revealing test. If they value the friendship as you do, they'll reply. Because sometimes friends become distant naturally due to life getting in the way. If they don't reply, then you don't need them. They obviously don't want as much to do with you as they used to do so there's no point in chasing something that's not going to happen. Unless you're a stalker, you wouldn't keep going after someone you cared about after they rebuffed your affections so why do the same with people who don't want to put the effort into being friends with you anymore?

This may seem like common sense but having friends leave sucks. Not being able to help them out when they need it most sucks and not having them close to call them up and talk to them sucks too. I had one particular friend who could make me smile just by saying hello. But we sadly don't talk anymore. Not in the way we used to anyway. And, of course I'm sad about that but I'm not angry. Because shit happens. Life gets in the way. Besides, everyone's unique but you can find parallels. You find qualities in people you've known before and they'll do the same in you. So you find similar friends that way. And you'll make friends who'll be there for a couple of years and fade into the background and you'll also make friends who threaten you with death if you ever lose contact with them. (Has happened irl. I've learnt not to underestimate her ability to murder me).

So, the thought for today before I return to my dissertation? If you have a friend you care about, let them know. Not a long ass message explaining why but just let them know you're there and you care. If they say the same then you have a keeper. If you don't, don't bother with them anymore. It takes two to tango. But as long as you understand that not everyone can contact you all of the time then you should be ok. Because, well, life sucks most of them time and things get on top of us. But that's the beauty of friends. The ones who want to see you ok will be there when you need it most. And that's all that matters.

Thank you friends. You're awesome. Keep up the good work you saucy sheriffs.

The Final Song, With Little Chance Of An Encore

My song is ending soon. But the story never ends.

Music's been pretty good to me. I absolutely love it. I love listening to it, I love writing it and I especially love performing it. It's my ultimate detox and my ultimate catharsis and it's saved my life on a couple of occasions I'm sure. That's what makes this decision so goddamn hard. Writing music is the easy bit. It's what comes with it that's the difficult part.

I used to be in a band and, with the exception of a few particular moments, I can say it was one of the best times in my life. Against The Tide we were called. And we were good. I'm not just saying that because I'm biased but we were. And people liked us. We only performed in 3 towns in our county but, still, people enjoyed us and I loved being on that stage and making people get up and dance. I still remember thinking it was the best thing in the world watching people getting up and moving to a song I'd had a hand in writing. I still do.

But being in a band has a price. And, for me, it nearly cost me a few friendships.

While I was in ATT; things were great for a time but, obviously, as time went on things for more and more fraught. We started to have more and more arguments with each other (which started out as creative at first but then evolved slightly) and, as a result, tensions started to arise. Tensions overflowed a number of times as well which made the experience less fun for all involved. The best example I can think of is when one member complaining and storming out of a practise because he didn't like a certain riff in a song we were writing together at the time. However; this wasn't the only time that tensions took over.

Here's what I hated most about the whole thing though. Out of the 4 of us; I was spending the most time writing and demoing songs to present to the group. Now, with the exception of one song, I was particularly flexible about structure and music in each one but as long as the basic structure and foundations remained I wouldn't mind. I spent as many lunchtimes as I was allowed in the school studio trying to write new material for the band as we realised we were playing the same songs over and over. I would record the main guitars; I'd do a basic bassline and a (terrible) drum-beat. Now, these songs were never ever designed to be the final pieces but it was just an indication of the proposed structure, the tempo and feel of the song. However; two of my bandmates decided that my demos were rubbish and that perhaps I should leave the writing of their parts to them. While I explained I wasn't doing it to take over and it was only what I've previously described, they continued to tell me how nearly everything about the 7 or so demos I'd written in a month or two were terrible sounding and how I should just stop them because they were so bad. They mentioned the songs were ok but that the quality of the demos were terrible. This caused a pretty bad argument which ended with me telling them something along the lines of "well how about you two get of your arses and write songs as well then rather than letting me do everything".

That's what hurt the most for me. One of them would write a bassline and just work out the guitar around it, one would contribute drums when we ended up jamming stuff together and the other one would just contribute when he felt like it. I spent most of my time writing, perfecting and recording as many songs as possible just for ideas. And they knew this. So to be berated for doing the most work made no sense because they didn't seem to be doing anything to help me or even attempting to help. Credit where credit is due, the lead guitarist did help me in the school studio sometimes but I was the one spending the most time working things out and actually making an effort to take the band forward.

At least, that's how it felt. I didn't mind the fact that they didn't like the songs I was writing. But the reasons they were giving were, in my eyes, not justified and just plain stupid.

When we eventually decided to call it a day, I was obviously upset but it did feel like a weight had been lifted. For a number of reasons.

1. The songs I'd been writing were barely even considered. And I was the only one actually offering anything by that point. Our bassist once referred to me as "the song machine" so to have nearly all of them discarded was actually getting hurtful and it made me resentful of the band altogether.
2. We decided after recording our first EP that we wanted to change out direction slightly. However, the direction we were aiming for seemed to change every 5 minutes. So the songs I was writing to fit in the style were becoming outdated before they'd even heard the demos.
3. Our influences were changing. We started off as a heavy rock/metal band and that was fine. But our decision to change ourselves slightly, and the indecision to what that direction was, meant that our own influence were becoming incompatible and were seemingly irreconcilable. I've always been more influenced by bands like Muse, Queen and bands like this. Our lead guitarist at this stage was more into tech metal bands like Sikth, Aliases and others while our bassist and drummer were both getting more into jazz and music based more in mathematics rather than anything else. So the songs I was writing trying to keep up were seemingly only in-keeping with my own influences. This lead to tensions as, the songs that I wrote that were accepted, were suddenly changed beyond recognition. 
4. During the recording of the EP, tensions ran high during the recording of 'I Won't Die For You', our bassist (who had written the majority of the song) was getting quite agitated because certain things he envisioned weren't coming out in the song as well as certain things not being in the right places. While most of these were changeable on the spot, there were some things that he couldn't stand with even though the rest of us thought we'd all agreed it beforehand. (With the exception of my solo in the song which I did kind of do on my own). This was brought up again when 3/4 of my own composition, The Last Charade, was changed. While that argument was fine at the start, it did become very tiresome towards the end. Leading to more tensions.
5. We were starting to argue more publicly. We had a big row on stage before a gig at one point in front of the audience who had stayed to see us. This alienated some of them and we ended up only playing to about 6 people in total.
6. Also, I was going to university. So, with everything else and this as well, it felt like a natural point to bring it to an end.

After our split, I went off to Newport to go to university and I was convinced that I would do two things with my time there other than my studies. The first thing was I would record an EP myself and release it as a solo effort. But, in comparison to the ATT demos, I would spend more time making sure they were just right rather than them being just a rough thing to show off. The second thing was I would write more music suitable for ATT in the event that we decided to reform and give it another go which, at the time, seemed like a real possibility.

But, neither happened. I still wrote songs on my own but a solo EP actually being recorded was a pipe-dream at best. I left Newport shortly after arriving and my life went through a bit of a rough patch so music was, for once, the last thing on my mind.

While this struggle was going on though, I ended up writing what I consider to be my "masterpiece", 'Molly's Lullaby'. After writing and performing this for the first time, and it going down very well, I suddenly regained my passion for a solo project and tried to get it off the ground again. However, it was to be vain. Not only was the spectre of ATT over me, but other things got in the way and it meant that, once again, my dream of releasing a solo EP wasn't going to happen.

Once I went to Winchester, things started to become more excitable too. I felt my own music taste and influence starting to change and I was suddenly starting to write songs relevant to my uni experience. Once again, the opportunity to write, record and produce my EP on campus arose and I started writing in earnest. However, again, I was let down. And the chance to do this was taken from me once again for no reason other than sheer laziness (not on my part). 

I then struck fortune with my friend selling his old mac to me. I bought it with the sole purpose of recording with it. However, nothing is compatible with it and it barely works as it is. Acoustic music was all I could do. Which was fine to a point but I love the rock vibe and I couldn't do it with that/ So, once again, it didn't happen.

The final straw came last year when my friend said he would record a 5 track EP for me for free as a 21st birthday present. However, this was mentioned just before my birthday which gave me less than a month to write the music out for other people to learn and to practise them. Which couldn't happen. And now that time has passed and it's probably not even an option anymore. So, once again, nothing.

The rest of the time I've been here, I've tried continually to find a way write, record and produce an EP myself, for free, with me doing everything. However, it can't happen now. I'm too specific for my own good and I don't have enough money in order to pay someone to do it for me.

But this is the double edged sword. Someone pointed out to me last year that if I busked in the city I could perhaps save up the money to record a couple of songs in a studio. However. I don't like performing live on my own and I definitely do not have confidence in my own voice to do something like busking. Not alone anyway. But I don't have many musical friends here that have the time or the inclination to do it with me. So I keep writing and writing but to no avail. I can release my music with great difficulty and, in my eyes, only a quarter completed. And it's driving me mad.

But, for me, writing music is like my drug and my solace. I do it now because it makes me feel better but, in doing that, not being able to share my music in the way that I want to is causing me more mental turmoil and frustration that anything else. It's becoming a vicious cycle that I can't seem to break myself out of.

When I was a teenager, I was convinced that ATT would get signed. Or I'd find a new band in uni and we would get signed and it would all be great. I'd be a popular musician and I could campaign for all the causes I wanted and I could make a difference to people's lives. However, I realise now that this dream is incredibly naive and totally not achievable. Which saddens me but it's also comforting. Because I'm growing out of this now. After 7 years or so doing it I'm finally detoxing myself of it and I need to.

Which is why the decision to quit writing, recording and performing music is such a hard thing for me come to. Because I love it so much. But the opportunities are either there and I cannot take them or they're just not there. It depresses me but it's now starting to feel like something's trying to tell me that I need to let it go and move on now. Up until this year, if any of the old members of ATT came up to me and said "hey, let's reform and do some awesome music!", I'd have said yes. However, now, I'd tell them no. Because I can't keep going back into this cycle. It always ends the same way and I can't keep doing that to myself. It hurts too much.

So, in 2017, I'll have stopped doing this completely. I have a couple of commitments to stick to this year but, after that, that'll be it. I can't do this anymore and, while it saddens me that I won't be able to share this music that means so much to me with the world, perhaps it's better that way. The stuff I've already put out will still be there and I won't remove it but no new things will come out in 2017. I'll just be that twentysomething at the party who can play guitar and can play piano as a parlour trick. No new music will be written and nothing will be shared.

But, as far as my sanity is concerned, I've decided to share my Mind Retreat with the world in the form of the superhero universe I have in my head where myself and my friends are superheroes. I'm springboarding ideas in another blog (freakssuperherouniverse.blogspot.co.uk) and I'm hoping that, at some stage within the next 5 years, a full comic or graphic novel will be written and released. So I have something creative to work with but, as for music, I need to leave that motorway now and get off at the next junction. 

Of course, if a bona-fide solution comes along which remedies this, then this will change. But I have zero hope that will appear. So this is the final music I'll involve myself in music the way I have done for the past 7 years.

For those who have supported me in my endeavours in the past, I thank you more than I can say. It means a lot that you've been there through the rough and the smooth. But this is something I need to do.

One of the commitments I have this year involve me recording 1 original song and, I promise, I'll make it as good as I can. 

But, beyond that, someone else can write the songs I would've. 

I'm sure they'll do it better anyway.

Dear Future Fiancee (Post for #TimeToTalk)

I know.

Dear Future Fiancee.

If you're reading this then it probably means that you've had doubts. Doubts about us and perhaps doubts about how I feel about you. I can only assume that these doubts are mostly my fault. If I'm right and this is the case, please read on. You may find some solace in these words.

I'm sorry if I seem to be distant. But I'm probably trapped inside my own head. That's not uncommon as you know but if I seem distant or strange it's probably for a reason. And, I'm fairly sure, that problem is not to do with you.

I'm writing this on a day which is called 'Time To Talk' which is about mental health awareness. And, if I haven't already told you, I have a kind of mental illness. It's not my Autism or anything but I have paranoia and hypochondria. Some days it's crippling and I get anxiety and panic attacks from things that shouldn't even make me have them. Old snippets from my favourite radio play, The Last Broadcast, old soundbites from things that scared me in my childhood and noises in the night that are perfectly normal but heighten my senses no end. It's not a good way to live but I'm trying to get through it. And if I have you, and you've stuck by me, then I'm already winning the fight inside my head.

Listening to the voice in my head telling me I'm dying is not something that will go away easily however. "Oh? Chest pain? Heart attack". "Sudden cough? Lung cancer". "Headache? Aneurysm". It's a voice that I'm trying to control but sometimes he can be very loud. But he can't control me forever and he cannot change the path of my life forever. I can flood my head with a million and one different things and it'll shut him up for a while but that can't last forever. I don't want it to last forever. But this is what I'm scared about most. I'm scared that voice is going to destroy you. Or destroy us. I'm not sure what I'd do if it did.

Many people have mental health issues these days. Or at least, they're noticing them more and being more open about them. Especially the circles I find myself in so I wouldn't be surprised if you had a mental health issue as well. But this one has the capacity to do a number of dangerous things to me if I let it win. Some days I can find ways that I can beat it and I can remain triumphant as I stand over its body for a short time. Other days it completely cripples me and I feel I can't do anything at all. Or that I'm good at or for anything. It makes me remember things that have made me guilty in the past and it's almost like it's trying to taunt me into submission. Some days I win and some days it wins. It's a lottery depending on the circumstances.

But I can't let it destroy you. I won't let it destroy you. I will fight for as long as I can to make sure it doesn't and I will fight for as long as I need to protect you from it. I know that sounds crazy but I can't let it claim anyone else. So, if I am strange some days, this is why. There's a fight going on in my head and, sometimes, I need to send reinforcements which does become draining. So please don't think it's you. It is most definitely me. I've lost others to it before and I don't think I could lose you too.

But enough about me. I want to concentrate on you. This is in case the situation is reversed. If you're feeling how I feel then, here's a few things I want you to know.

You are amazing. I admire you for keeping up that fight. I know how that feels so I admire you for continuing it.

You are beautiful. You may not be a size zero or look like a supermodel or anything but that's not what beauty is. Not to me. That image of beauty is shallow beyond compare and what's really important is the human underneath that facade. The person behind that shadow and the woman underneath that image. I don't care you're not Jenna Coleman or Karen Gillan. Or Anna Kendrick or even Jennifer Lawrence. I don't need them because I have you and I love you for who YOU are. No one else.

True beauty is loving another human and being loved in return. I can't remember who said that originally but it's true. Beauty is being able to look at another human and go "I don't care about your flaws or your past". Whether they have a disability or a chequered past. A mind that's shattered into a million pieces or just a bit strange. Taking them as they are. If I'm with you, you obviously have that trait. To me, that is beautiful.

Just because you have that war inside your head, it doesn't make you any less a person. It makes you all the better. It makes you stronger because you've managed to survive that onslaught in your heart yet still find the time to let another person into your realm. That battle in your head makes you stronger than most because you know how it is to hurt. And, once you've been hurt, you don't always want other people to feel that same hurt. So, if you'll help me with my fight, I'll help you with yours whenever you want me to.

Just because you have a battle going on inside your head, it doesn't make you any less beautiful.

So. I hope this puts things at ease for you. Now. How about we get some ice cream, curl up and watch a film. Your choice. And, if it's a "chick-flick" I promise I'll sit through it and not complain. I'd rather just relax with you than any funny business. Who needs Netflix and Chill when you have Movies and Ice Cream?

Until next time.

Yours always.

Joshua.