All because of a group of middle aged women who are seemingly as loose with their morals as they are with their understanding.
For those who aren't in the UK, or just don't have any idea, there's a programme on the channel ITV every lunchtime called 'Loose Women'. I suppose, for my American readers, it's the UK equivalent to 'The View' on ABC where a group of women discuss the news and talk to guests.
However; something the women of the UK show said recently has landed them in a bit of hot water.
What did they say?
They effectively suggested that being Transgender, self-harming or having Bulimia is the "in thing" at the moment for young people.
While the exact quotes are a little ambiguous at best, but let's take them at face value for a moment. They obviously aren't.
When I was a teenager, the "in things" were toy Daleks, iPods, Tamagotchis and Rihanna's 'Umbrella'. Transgenderism, Self-harming and Bulimia certainly were not.
"In things", as far as I understand them, are meant to be something that is indicative of popular youth culture that everybody would like to have or do and wouldn't be ashamed to show it off.
Now, Transgenderism does involve an element of being proud of who you are but not to this extent. And self-harming or Bulimia certainly does not fit into this category.
I've never personally self-harmed but I have supported a number of friend through a time of self-harming and, let me tell you, it is not at all fun and games. Not only is the person self-harming under such emotional, mental and personal torture, the person helping them feels nothing but fear, helplessness and inadequacy knowing that they can only do so much before, God forbid, something happens to them.
Every time one of my friends came to me telling me they were self-harming I immediately made it clear to them that they could talk to me any time of the day or night if they felt it would help them. Which, although the people I have helped are now in a better frame of mind, what happened between then and them feeling better about things was horrific.
Because, here's something. Most people assume that people use a knife or a razor blade so self harm. That's not always the case. I know someone who did use razors but I also know that people find anything they can. Not only that, a lot of people think that those who self harm are doing it for attention. And it always annoys me when someone says this because I know better. I know more than them and it makes me want to break my pacifism to make the point.
The reason why people self-harm is not too dissimilar, in my experience, to when people want to kill themselves. The sheer lack of control over their surroundings. The over-whelming of emotions. Mental health issues that are out of their control. The sheer notion that no-one likes them and that there's nothing really keeping them on this planet. Or, simply, they just don't feel they're good enough for anything.
When you talk to someone who's just self-harmed or is about to do it again is one of the scariest things someone can ever do. Because you ask questions that you think you'll never have to ask.
What are you using?
Where have you cut this time?
Is anyone else in the house with you?
What triggered you to do it this time?
But that doesn't even come close to the questions you internally have.
What if they cut somewhere they weren't intending?
What if something happens after I leave them for the night?
What if I can't help them this time?
What happens if they die?
The truth is, if you're in this situation, you really don't want to know the answer to these questions. But you ask anyway in the vague hope that it helps somehow. You don't want to know that someone you care about is using a razor blade or a nail to cause themselves pain because they think it'll make them feel better. You don't want to them to reassure you that they're not cutting down the arm but across. You don't want to see the cuts they've made while they deal with the instant regret that comes with it.
But above all, you don't want to hear someone you care about tell you that they hurt themselves because they feel so worthless and sub-human that they think all they deserve is this pain.
One other thing that annoys me is that many people think that self-harming is a 'cry for help'. Because, if you think about it logically, self-harming is an addiction.
Person feels bad - they cut themselves - they get a momentary good feeling. A feeling of peace - they then regret it.
But the cycle continues. Because it's the only release they can get at that moment. And that's what's hardest for all involved. Because the people self-harming will only ask for help if they feel they've gotten to a point where they need it.
And if they do that and you're the person they come to for support, for goodness sakes just accept them, give them a hug and tell them it's ok. Because what they've just told you is one of the bravest things someone in that situation can do. It's going to be a long road for both of you. But they've put their entire trust in you and that's something special. Because they're taking a risk in doing so. Given how volatile they are already, to break that is ill-advised.
And yes, the more you become a sounding board for that person the more it's going affect you. And, no, I'm not suggesting you'll start self-harming because they're self-harming but you're a person too. You have feelings and you have emotions just as they do. It will get on top of you too. I guarantee it.
So, to be selfish for a moment, here's how I dealt with that.
Anyone who knows me well enough will know that, if I'm feeling an emotion, I write a song about it. It's my way of dealing with everything. This case was no exception. The song I wrote was called 'Dear God' and I performed it live with the band I was in for a number of years. While it never got recorded and it seems cheesy now, the message is super serious.
The song was about a father who discovered, when it was too late, that his daughter was self-harming. Only the self-harming had gone too far and she was very ill in hospital. So the Dad starts blaming himself for not noticing and prays to God to make sure his little girl survives.
Dear God is she ok?
I'm sorry that I made her cry
Do you think she'll be ok?
All I want to do is ask her why...
While writing the song was cathartic for me, it was terrible to play for one main reason. I wrote it about a particular friend I was supporting at the time. Which was always going to be interesting but it didn't help that at one particular gig, we played the song and the father of the friend in question was there.
He had no idea I'd written the song with his daughter in mind but I felt absolutely horrible playing it at that time. To be honest, I don't think she ever knew it was about her either despite her hearing it. It didn't help also that someone totally unrelated pulled me aside and told me how beautiful and thoughtful he song was, even after I came clean to her about what the song was about.
I refused to play it after that night. I think we only played it one more time after that but I refused to play it at nearly every other gig we did after that.
But the overwhelming I felt at the time about it all is nothing compared to the friend that was going through it. Talking to them night after night about what was triggering them to self-harm showed me how vulnerable people can be. Especially teenagers. Mind you, it didn't surprise me. Teenagers are a bio-chemical hormonal battleground trying to make sense of everything that's happening to them so it doesn't shock me in the slightest that some react this way.
I'm not going to purport to be an authority on this subject. But I do have first-hand experience of supporting people who do go through it. And I can say with all the authority I can muster that SELF-HARMING IS NOT A FAD, A PHASE OR THE 'IN-THING' FOR ANYONE INVOLVED.
It's a terrifying and painful thing to witness and even more terrifying for those going through it. Because they know they don't want to do it but they can't help themselves. And the littlest thing can make them feel so bad that the cut is the only thing that will make them feel even slightly better.
I don't usually swear on my blog posts but this gets me riled.
Fuck anyone who says that people only self-harm for attention.
Fuck anyone who thinks that it's solely a cry for help.
Fuck anyone who says it's an 'in-thing'.
And fuck anyone who thinks that anyone who self-harms is a coward who can't take control of their lives.
And do you know what? The support worked for the people I helped. They've all grown up to be amazing young women and I genuinely have the biggest smile when I see them about enjoying themselves. Because, once you been through or seen that, it feels like you've actually done something worthwhile.
These people are human. More human than most. Everyone has their weaknesses and everyone is strong to a certain point. But just because they can't uphold it for a time, it doesn't mean they've given up or it doesn't mean they're weak. It just means that they've been strong for too long.
And that notion doesn't always end up in self-harm. I bottled up a lot of what I was feeling for many years and it eventually broke me into two. So I can attest how being strong for too long can have negative effects. It just so happens, for a few of my friends, that they reacted that way while I reacted another.
So, as for the Loose Women, fuck you. Self-harm is not some fad that everyone's doing. Nor is Transgenderism and nor is Bulimia. Self-harm and Bulimia are real human problems. And Transgenderism is real too. How would you like it if you felt you were trapped in the wrong body? You wouldn't like it would you. So, instead of assuming you know everything just because your 8 year old child has mentioned it once in passing. actually do your funking research.
And as for self-harming being a thing?
Do me a favour, ladies.
Help somebody through self-harming for 6 months, convince them you can't help them any further and suggest they should tell their parents about what's been going on. Then tell their older sister at their request because they're scared of how their parents and family are going to react. Then watch the older sister (who is also your friend) as their heart-breaks in front of you after being told everything and watch as they realise they're going to have to tell their parents about what's happened while her own perception is being turned upside down.
THEN TELL ME IT'S A FUCKING FAD.
I've said enough. Apologies for the swearing. But I do get angry about this topic.
Until next time.
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