Me.

I write blog posts about me an awful lot. I write a lot of banal crap that no one really wants to read. Because, what's so interesting about my favourite music or my favourite TV show? Or my political views? Not a lot. A personal revelation or a personal story where you've learnt some kind of important lesson? That's more what people want to hear about. I've done that before in a way. I've mentioned various aspects of my life that hold some meaning. Like Hazel for example. Hazel was a very important part of my life for some time and the fact I've been unable to find her is somewhat disheartening. But my life isn't just about finding old friends.

My life is...more. My life is so much more. And, over the last month or so I've really been evaluating what my life is. What I've done and where I am now. What I've become and who I want to be in the future. How I arrived at the now and how I want to go to the then. These are all questions that I've been struggling to grapple with. But, I think it's this weekend that's really cemented a lot of things for me in my own mind.

So, if it's ok, I'm going to tell you about me. Not everything, mind. But enough for you to know who I am. So here goes. And, please bear in mind, a lot of this is very hard for me to admit.

My name is Joshua. I am 21 years old and I'm a 3rd year politics student at the University of Winchester. I have a form of Autism called Asperger's Syndrome. I was diagnosed with that when I was 7 years old and, while I've had a lifetime to get used to it and adapt, I'm still outwardly autistic. 

When I was younger; I wanted to be a teacher. When I was 19, this was shaken due to a number of proposals that the Government were bringing in and I decided I didn't want to do that anymore. Now, it's looking like a realistic possibility again. However, at various points, I've wanted to be a Doctor, an actor, a rock star, a pilot, a politician, a charity worker abroad, a counter-terrorism officer, a policeman and, for one odd day in year 7, Jewish.

But where I am now is important. When I was 18, I decided I was going to live by my own rules. My own ethical code. Throw caution to the wind and do what I want when I wanted. By all accounts, this has failed and has done me more harm than good. Not to mention the people around me. 

I now suffer from panic attacks from time to time and I'm not a hypochondriac. I get panic attacks mainly because I'm a very sentimental person and I have a massive guilt complex. So, if I think I've done something wrong, it keeps coming up to remind me. Like a bad penny. I'll be having a great day and then it'll bring up a painful memory and completely ruin it. Luck of the draw I suppose.

I've also become slightly more intolerant since I decided to live by my own code. Not racially intolerant but, if people didn't agree with me, they were automatically wrong. I allowed some wriggle room for things like religion and politics but even then, that had a limit. I also became tired of people telling me what I can and can't do. I did that usual young person thing of 'I know best, fuck everyone else'. In June 2013, I had a bit of a bad time and took a lot of anger out on a lot of people that didn't deserve it. I even scared my own mum which I'm definitely not proud of now. She commented to my aunty that I wasn't her son anymore. Which hurt but was instrumental in bringing me back round.

Despite this, I've tried to be a good person all of my life. I've always tried to be there for people. To help them. To put them before me. But, the truth is, since I took up my own code, I've been the opposite. I've been selfish. Only helping people if I have an interest in it and been less tolerant of peoples problems and making a lot of them about me. Which is wrong. And, a lot of times, I didn't care what the outcome would be of my involvement in an issue. 

I also have a bad anger problem. Although I would never attack anyone when I'm angry, I did lash out at a lot of inanimate objects. I have a horrible temper. It scares people. And, when I'm in that phase, I don't care what gets damaged and for how long.

A lot of bad things have come out of me living by this code. But, admittedly, there have been good things too.

Last year, I put my ill-feelings towards my father aside and met him for the first time. We get on really well now and I see him and my step-mum whenever I'm home for a prolonged period. I see this as a positive because a lot of anger has been let go.

I also have a wonderful friendship group that have stuck by me despite my being this monster by all accounts. I've even made wonderful new friends at university.

The truth is, this is me. I've reached this point and now I realise how much of a stupid, idiotic and terrifying monster I've become. If you met me, you may not think it. But if you truly knew me you'd know that this was true and made total sense. But, after a LOT of soul-searching, I recognise this. I know where and when it started and I know what I'm going to about me.

It all started in 2011. And, as with everything, there was a girl involved. When I first met this girl, everything but her went out of focus and I fell for her the moment we met. She literally took my breath away and I'll never forget that feeling. After months of talking and meeting up, I professed my feelings for her and she told me she felt the same for me. But we had to go on a date first. Just to be sure. 

We went on the date and it went really well. We kissed for the first and last time. But we knew it wasn't easy. We didn't live close to each other and didn't see each other all the time but we did try. But, after a while, I suggested we take a break. Due to distance and the amount of work we both had, it made sense. We agreed to review things when the exams at the time were over. (We were both in Year 13 at this point). 

2 weeks later, I started going out with someone else. 

At the time, it felt right. It felt like it was the right thing but then it always does doesn't it. Being older and having the benefit of hindsight, I shouldn't have done it. Considering how I felt for this girl in the first place. I hadn't felt that way about anyone before and I haven't since. She was amazing. Caring, funny and amazing. The best thing that had happened to me in a long time. Possibly ever and I screwed up that chance.

Well, as you might expect, she made it very clear she didn't want to speak to me or see me ever again. This is what started it. This descent. This anger. Originally, I thought I was angry at her for reacting that way. But, in reality, I was angry with myself. All this time I've been angry with myself.

I've spent the last 3 years trying to forget her but, until now, she'd keep popping up in my mind every so often and I never knew why. But now I do.

My sub-conscious brings her up every so often to remind me of the stupidity and hurt I caused. And how I should strive not to cause that amount of hurt again. No-one else I have romantic ties with should have to feel the way she felt.

Well, that's gone very well so far! Not. But now that I realise this I can work on it. I can strive to make sure this gets followed. Because, part of my Autism dictates that I don't like hurting people. And any hurt I cause someone reflects onto me twice as hard due to my empathy. I hate feeling like that. So it gives me an incentive not to do that to anyone else.

Despite this, though, it's too late for some things. I've been reckless with many things and I have hurt people since then. I'm not going to go into how because it hurts to. But I have. Friends, romantic relations and family. I've said things, done things, that have upset people. Well, no more.

Now I see what I've become I can strive to change this. So, here's me recognising who I am right now.

I'm a bitter person because of the actions I've made in my past. But, instead of taking responsibility for my actions like I should've done, I blamed the rest of the world. I got angry at everyone else as well as myself. But, not thinking I'd done anything wrong, took it out on anyone else. And it's now got to the point where I feel I've done so many things wrong, I don't deserve to be happy. And maybe, that's why I do half of what I do. Because I'm afraid of feeling happy as I feel I don't deserve to be.

But now I take responsibility. I'm taking back control of my mess of a person and I'm rebooting. Regenerating.

I'm going to make things right. It's too late to make the past right but I can take control of who I'm going to be next. Where I'm going to be and how I'm going to get there.

If I could go back into the past and change what happened with that girl, I would. Without a second's hesitation. However, I can't. I would give anything to tell her how sorry I am and how much of an idiot I was but I can't. I can, however, do the next best thing. And make sure that history does not repeat itself.

I've found a new set of guidelines to live by. I'm not going to go into what they are as I don't want to draw attention to what I'm doing in that regard. Let's just say, if you know me, it's come from an unlikely source.

So, if you're reading this and I've done something to hurt or upset you in the past 3 years, I'm so sorry. I cannot apologise enough. But I promise I'm trying to be better than the guy before. I'm trying to be a better man than him. There will be teething troubles but please stick with it. I promise I'm not a completely hopeless case. I'm just hopeless in general!

Events over the past few months have taught me that I can't afford to be a bitter person anymore and that I need to let go of what's past and focus on the now. The past can serve as a reminder but it's time I stopped being ruled by what I did before now. Because I'm not the same person today as I was yesterday. Because the past makes you bitter. And, as I've learnt, being bitter gets you nowhere.

Thank you for letting me put this on the page. But I needed an outlet to put it all out there.

My name is Joshua. I am 21 years old and I'm a 3rd year politics student at the University of Winchester. And, today, I think I've finally vanquished the demons that have been haunting me for 4 years. The person I've been for the past 3 years is not who I really am. And the man I am right now is. And I much prefer him to the previous me...