1. “Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would
you want as a dinner guest?” Dead: Gandhi. Alive: Angela Merkel.
I was going to suggest Benito Mussolini as the cook because he’s Italian and he’s
had past experience with abattoirs.
2. “Would you like to be famous? In what way?” For
helping or entertaining people. A musician or a comedian or something. But I’ll
probably end up being famous for being that weird guy in the background of a
news report. Funny story…
3. “Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse
what you are going to say? Why?” That depends on the phone-call! If it’s one
to my Nan or something then probably not. If it’s the insurance company I
pretend I’m in a monkey sanctuary and that there's shit everywhere.
4. “What would constitute a "perfect" day for
you?” Singing Lou Reed.
5. “When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?” I sing to myself a lot due to the fact I’m currently writing/recording an
album. There was a lawsuit the last time I sang to someone else. Something to
do with unexpected hearing loss? But I'll sing for you now. "CARRY ON MY WAYWARD SON...THERE'LL BE PEACE WHEN YOU ARE GONE..."
6. “If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain
either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life,
which would you want?” Depends on whose body parts I was stealing.
7. “Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?”
The last guy I knew that had a hunch dissolved in a graveyard. Hope it's something less weird...
8. “Name three things you and your partner appear to have
in common”. We’re in the same room, we’re opposite someone and we’re both with
someone sexy.
9. “For what in your life do you feel most grateful?”
Juice.
(Sorry, I thought you said Grapefruit).
10. “If you could change anything about the way you were
raised, what would it be?” Where the hands were...
11. “Take four minutes and tell your partner your life
story in as much detail as possible”. Haha. That’s not the only four minutes that’ll
bore you tonight.
12. “If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one
quality or ability, what would it be?” X-ray vision. What?
13. “If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about
yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?”
I’d
like to know where the spoons go...
14. “Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for
a long time? Why haven’t you done it?” I’ve always wanted to be called Joyce. But
my mother didn’t consider consulting me during the naming process. How rude.
15. “What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?”
Waking
up. The fact I can open my eyes in the morning is just…wow.
16. “What do you value most in a friendship?” Lifeboats.
17. “What is your most treasured memory?” The first time I won Cards Against Humanity. Proud moment.
18. “What is your most terrible memory?” There
was this girl in Thailand…
19. “If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly,
would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?” Yes.
The longevity.
20. “What does friendship mean to you?” *Insert
Appropriate Disney Quote Here*
21. “What roles do love and affection play in your life?”
Romeo and Juliet at the National Theatre. I’m happy
for them.
22. “Alternate sharing something you consider a positive
characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items”. You’re
a woman, you’re nice looking, you’re human, you have a good taste in men and
you’re totally not hypothetical.
23. “How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your
childhood was happier than most other people’s?” Depends on whether the heating’s
working or not.
24. “How do you feel about your relationship with your
mother?” Am I paying for this service, Doc?
25. “Make three true ‘we’ statements each. For instance,
"We are both in this room feeling _______." Nervous, intricate and aroused.
Possibly.
26. “Complete this sentence: ‘I wish I had someone with
whom I could share _______.” My huge bag of hash.
27. “If you were going to become a close friend with your
partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know”. I
have no concept of personal space. Or personal hygiene. Sometimes both.
28. “Tell your partner what you like about them; be very
honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just
met”. I like the fact you have spacious and splendid mammary glands?
29. “Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in
your life”. Want to know why you should never put Lego up a hamster’s arse? It literally shits bricks.
30. “When did you last cry in front of another person? By
yourself?” It was with my brother while we were watching Titanic. I was so rooting for Jack...goddamn it Jack...
31. “Tell your partner something that you like about them
already”. I like the fact you’ve taken an interest in me. God help you.
32. “What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?”
There’s
been new evidence found outside the house of Oscar Pistorious…
33. “If you were to die this evening with no opportunity
to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone?
Why haven’t you told them yet?” Not telling them I was dying. That also depends on the death. If I'm choking that'd be kinda crap. If I was killed with an intelligent unicorn brandishing an uzi, I might die happier.
34. “Your house, containing everything you own, catches
fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a
final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?” It’s
a toss-up between my violin or my collection of Japanese Hentai.
35. “Of all the people in your family, whose death would
you find most disturbing? Why?” Mine.
36. “Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s
advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back
to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen”. I
have this really irritating itch…
*This didn't actually happen. I'm not that much of a dick to give these answers in all seriousness. Although...some of them...Night!
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