There's life in them hills, luv.
William Barnes once wrote a poem. It was called 'The Blackmwore Maidens'. And it goes something like this:
"THE PRIMRWOSE in the shade do blow,
The cowslip in the zun,
The thyme upon the down do grow,
The clote where streams do run;
An’ where do pretty maidens grow
An’ blow, but where the tow’r
Do rise among the bricken tuns,
In Blackmwore by the Stour.
If you could zee their comely gait,
An’ pretty faces’ smiles,
A-trippen on so light o’ waight,
An’ steppen off the stiles;
A-gwain to church, as bells do swing
An’ ring ’ithin the tow’r,
You’d own the pretty maidens’ place
Is Blackmwore by the Stour.
If you vrom Wimborne took your road,
To Stower or Paladore,
An’ all the farmers’ housen show’d
Their daughters at the door;
You’d cry to bachelors at hwome—
'Here, come: ’ithin an hour
You ’ll vind ten maidens to your mind,
In Blackmwore by the Stour'
An’ if you look’d ’ithin their door,
To zee em in their place,
A-doen housework up avore
Their smilen mother’s face;
You’d cry—“Why, if a man would wive
An’ thrive, ’ithout a dow’r,
Then let en look en out a wife
In Blackmwore by the Stour.”
As I upon my road did pass
A school-house back in May,
There out upon the beäten grass
Wer maïdens at their play
An’ as the pretty souls did tweil
An’ smile, I cried, 'The flow’r
O’ beauty, then, is still in bud
In Blackmore by the Stour.'”
Now. Barnes was a poet from my neck of the woods. He was from a small hamlet outside a town called Sturminster Newton. And he was famous for writing poems in the dialect in my region. The dialect is now fallen out of use but I like it. It reminds me of home.
This particular poem is about an area of Dorset called the Blackmore Vale. Which, as it happens, is my stomping ground. I wasn't born there but I've grown up there. I've grown up there, went to school there, had my first kiss there, it's a special place for me. First arrived there when I came home a few days after being born, (this was the mid 90s remember), and stayed there permanently until I was 18. Then I made a small foray into Newport in Wales, then I returned after that didn't work, and now I've called Winchester a second home for the past 3 years.
But now I'm coming to the end of my undergraduate experience, it's allowed me to think about things. Not only about my desired location, but also where my life is going.
The fact is, although I'm quite adaptable to short term situations, long term ones still scare the crap out of me.
Two of my closest friends are getting married to each other this year. And this scares me slightly. Because, it doesn't feel that long ago that we were all running about the town and having carefree fun. Now we actually have things to do. Mortgages to find, jobs to get, bills to pay.
Things are changing very fast and I'm not sure that I like it. In fact, I admitted to my friend, Sammy, earlier today, that I'm a teeny bit terrified about the change in dynamics. It's over-whelming and, although I understand change has to happen, it doesn't stop being scary right now.
There are however, 3 constants in my life that make that change less terrifying.
The first is my family. My mum's always there for me, even if we want to kill each other sometimes. My Nan's a phone call away, one of my aunts are a phone call away and many of my cousins are there if I need them. Yes, my family is far from perfect but at least most of them are prepared to help me when I need it.
The second are my friends. I genuinely could not ask for better friends. They mean everything to me and I could not be without them. I'd do anything for me and I know they'd do anything for me too. They're amazing and I love them all in turn.
The third constant, however, is what this particular post is about. The county of Dorset. My home.
My relationship with Dorset hasn't always been amicable. For years, I hated it. Where I grew up, there wasn't a lot to do. And I resented it for that.
We had to go 45 minutes or so in any direction to reach anything vaguely fun like a bowling alley or a cinema. (Still do)
We didn't really have a functioning swimming pool for years except the local hotel. The hotel pool is great but it's not fantastic for general exercising. The "other" pool didn't really open properly until I was about 15 after a massive renovation project. After that, it was only open a few months a year and was pretty much desolate until, eventually, the expensive roof they put on collapsed in on itself and, at present, has not reopened.
We had multiple cafes. LOADS of cafes. Though we didn't often have the money to frequent them. And, if we did, they were usually filled with families or judgemental old people who would rather see us young folk wiped off the planet or something.
Throughout my teenage years, I couldn't wait to leave Shaftesbury. Or Dorset for that matter. I couldn't wait to be rid of that stupid town and everything it didn't have to offer. I was going to do something with my life. I was going to live in Wales or something. OR ABROAD. Yeah, aboard sounds good...Canada looks nice...Maybe Germany...who knows!
But that was teenage me. I'm a bit older now and, I've realised something.
There's no place I'd rather be.
I'd rather live in that stupid town than not. I'd rather settle back in that area than be too far away. My desire to leave the area has faded for a number of reasons.
It's home. First and foremost, it's the only home I've ever known. Shaftesbury has given me stability and a place to call home. Which many other places could not. I know it would've been the same if I'd spent so long in another place but, still.
It gave me a childhood. Not having anything of any note for kids to do there, it meant that my friends and I had to make our own fun. Which we took full advantage of. And I feel very privileged to have the childhood I've had.
Not only that, it gave me the opportunity to make and perform music to the town. The people of Shaftesbury love a homegrown talent. And they're very accommodating with it. Especially when it's young people performing. Without that platform, I doubt we'd have done as well as we did.
But it's given me everything a location can offer. It's beautiful and I'd love to return and improve upon it. I personally think young people are slightly neglected in the decision making processes of the town council so I would love the chance to come back, sit on the council if I can and try to make the town slightly better for young people/
It's not the best place in the world and it's by no means the most fun. But it's home. It's familiar. And I love it.
Monday 14 March 2016
Saturday 12 March 2016
Confronting Fears Through Dreams
It's all in my head. Or is it?
Dreams. Some people love them, and some people hate them. And I'm not referring to the white chocolate bar from the 1990s. I do miss that bar...
I'm talking the phenomenon that happens during our sleep. The weird thing that takes us to new worlds or into fantastical memories.
Or it's something that can mess us up at a moment's notice.
The past few nights, since I've been able to have memorable dreams again, I've noticed a slightly worrying trend. The past 3 nights, I've had very realistic dreams. Not only have they felt realistic, they've featured myself in realistic qualities rather than the usual fantastical Joshua that tends to be seen.
And it's scaring me.
The past few nights' dreams have followed a similar trajectory, featuring one single person over and over again. And while I won't go into what happened in the dreams of wednesday and thursday nights, it's 2 memorable dreams I had last night that worry me greatly. One follows a similar theme to the previous two nights while one, which happened this morning after falling back asleep, doesn't fit at all and, frankly, I genuinely thought it was all real until a certain point.
It's worth noting now that both of the dreams I'm about to describe triggered some kind of anxiety attack. This is why I'm writing it down and sharing it. For catharsis as I've stupidly done something to trigger one again. Screw anxiety.
Here goes:
I'm out with my friend. (Who shall remain unnamed). We're in our hometown and we're just walking, chatting and laughing. Care-free. The inference is we've spent most of the day together and had a lovely time. Evidently, we'd decided we were hungry so we stopped by the fruit shop in town and I went in bought myself a banana and her, an apple.
As I went to pay, I looked out of the shop to find her and saw that she was being harassed by 5 men. All were around her age and she was visibly distressed. (When I say 'harassed', I don't mean anything physical but it was easy to see she didn't want this attention). Seeing this, I immediately ran outside and told the 5 guys where to go. Begrudgingly, they left us alone. I checked to see if she was ok and she was clearly shaken. Despite this, she had her apple and everything was fine.
We then end up in the Tescos in our town and we're looking around for stuff. (The inference is that we're having dinner together so we're just picking something to have). It's at this point that my friend starts to go weird. Not weird in the usual dream sense, but almost drunk. She starts to feel ill, faint and looks drunk. At this point, I start to panic. It's also at this point that she admits that she accepted a drink of water from one of the guys outside the fruit shop before. It's become clear that the water she drank was spiked with something and she was starting to feel the effects from it.
As I desperately try to get her to come with me and sit down somewhere in the shop, the 5 guys return. One of them hits me, I fall down, and another 2 start to drag me away from her. My friend is screaming for me as I get dragged away but is also trying to fight the effects of whatever she was spiked with. Although I've been attacked, I'm desperately trying to get free in order to help her. I lay there helpless as I'm dragged further and further away from her. No-one else in the shop either notices or tries to help us but this is the situation we're in. I get hit again and I fall down.
One of the guys dragging me lets me go and runs back to the main group. While these guys aren't doing anything physical to my friend, the threat of it is there and it's clear she's in distress. Continuing to fight the effects of the drug while trying to get to me to help me. I get up and run towards her but I'm pulled back by the remaining guy.
I look up at this guy and it's someone I went to school with. Someone I considered a friend for a time. He looks down at me and smiles while saying "stay down, Josh..." However, I refuse to and I try to fight him. I just about win, flooring him and running back to my friend. By this stage, the guys have noticed I've gotten free and they decide to grab my friend and run off with her. We're continuing to scream each others names in distress as she, and the men, disappear out of the shop. I'm left in the shop desperately calling her name as the door to the shop seems to get further away.
This is where I woke up. As I did, it was 7:28am and I was panicking, fighting back tears and hyperventilating.
The reason this dream has been on my mind all day is, not only because of what happened within it, but because the emotions I felt and woke up with were real. And it felt like I'd let this person down despite the fact it didn't actually happen. I felt helpless. Which is always a terrible emotion to feel.
I went downstairs, went to the loo and went back to sleep. Despite being coming out of what was an apparent anxiety attack, I managed to get to sleep.
However, my morning was about to get weirder.
Later on, I'm woken up by my housemate. He's shaking me hard so I wake up. There's fear on his face. He looks at me terrified. I ask him what's wrong and he tells me:
"Something's happened, you need to come and see this, but you mustn't panic, Josh, there's nothing you can do..."
I get up and we run into his room. We look at his computer screen and BBC News is broadcasting from it. We stare in horror as footage of a mushroom cloud is layered behind a BBC Breaking News ticker. The headline is clear:
"NUCLEAR HORROR IN SOUTH KOREA"
BBC News anchor, George Alagiah, calmly explains that North Korea have fired 2 nuclear warheads into Seoul, the capital of North Korea, and Busan, the second largest city. North Korean have ordered its troops across the border in a blatant continuation of the Korean War. I cry as I watch and I can feel myself start to hyperventilate. My housemate looks at me, grabs me, and tells me that I need to calm down. But I can't. The fear of what's going to happen next grips me and I start telling him that in less than two weeks, we'll be forced to fire our weapons and we will be the victims of a retaliation, depending on what side different countries take.
I run back into my room, scour my drawers and I find a brown envelope. I run back into my housemate's room and remind him that, in the envelope, is my Nuclear Attack Plan. A document I created late last year in order to facilitate different options should this scenario occur. I shout at him in a panic telling him that he need to pack the most important things and prepare to return home. I tell him that our current location is not safe and we need to return to our rural towns in order to increase chances of initial survival. He slaps me and tells me I'm overreacting but I don't back down.
The news broadcast, which seems to have taken over his computer, is continuing to explain what's happening with the situation as my housemate and I have an argument over my reaction. The news can very clearly be heard over our arguing and it's explaining that the UK has sent diplomats to China in order to negotiate a ceasefire and to ease tensions.
It's at this point, the screen on the computer changes. BBC News has gone, the screen has gone black. For a few moments, we stop arguing and we stare at it. Neither of sure where it's gone. Moments later, the Emergency Broadcast System appears and explains that a nuclear weapon is on its way to the UK.
My housemate looks at me panicked but I'm no longer panicked. Something's not right. I realise that the only warheads so far have been fired into South Korea. BBC News explicitly stated that no other warheads had been fired as of yet. Especially not from North Korea. Yet here the Emergency Broadcast system is.
I look back at my housemate, who's panicking, and asking why I'm no longer panicking. I then explain that it makes no sense for the UK to be attacked this soon after the initial nuclear blast in South Korea.
I reassure him it's all going to be ok and that we may be fine. The air raid sirens can be heard outside. I grab his shoulders and tell him to call his girlfriend if it makes him feel better and I run into my bedroom and text my friend in Southampton telling her it's been nice knowing her and to please stay safe if she can. I then phone my mum. My mum's crying down the phone as she tries to make sure I'm out of danger. I want to tell her I am but I tell her that the sirens are blaring outside and Southampton has probably been selected as a target. I tell her to stay on the line until such a time where it becomes impossible as we both come to terms with the fact I'm about to die.
I run back into my housemate's room who's on the phone to his girlfriend in tears. We tell our respective callers we love them, look at each other and say to each other it's only a drill...
We see a massive flash of light outside of his window, we hear a bang and suddenly, everything goes black.
There are a number of differences between the dreams.
Firstly, the two dreams follow the theme of helplessness. In the first dream, my friend was getting harassed and assaulted and I was physically unable to overcome the obstacle to help her. In the second dream, the world's about to come to an end and I can't do anything to stop it. In the situation of the second one, I was much calmer when the Emergency Broadcast came on because I knew that there was nothing I could do to prevent my fate. Or that of my housemate. I just tell him to phone his girlfriend and get his affairs in order before we're inevitably vaporized by the nuclear missile about to detonate in Southampton.
Secondly, while the emotions in both dreams were real, I could still recognise the fact that the first dream was just that. A dream. While it slowly turned into a horrible nightmare, I still had some notion that it was a dream. The second dream, however, I couldn't tell. It looked, felt and seemed so real that I accepted it as truth. I even felt myself being shaken to wake up despite it not happening. The second dream, as far as I was concerned, was 100% real. It wasn't until the BBC News feed got interrupted and the Emergency Broadcast came on. There's no way the UK would be attacked that quickly after a blast in South Korea that happened less than hour before. Until that point, as far as I was concerned, North Korea delivered on their threats to launch a pre-emptive strike against the South Koreans.
Thirdly, although both had different outcomes and situations, they both addressed key fears that I have. The first dream included someone I care deeply about being harassed, assaulted and more and I couldn't stop it. Despite my best efforts, I was unable to prevent what was happening to her. I have many friends and I care about all of them. If anything like this happened to them in real life I don't know what I'd do. But it highlighted the notion that I'm helpless, useless and, in some way, not good enough to be around them. In the second one, I confronted what I considered to be my worst fears right now. Dying and the notion of dying as the result of a nuclear strike on the United Kingdom. I've done so much research into nuclear weapons and the effects of them that I know exactly what'll happen if one fires. In fact, the Nuclear Attack Plan I confronted my housemate with in the dream exists. It's in the drawer next to me now. I hope never to use it but it's there just in case. Especially I'm not too far from a city that could be a considerable nuclear target.
But it has put one thing in perspective.
Although, in the second dream, my real nightmare scenario was coming true, I only panicked at the initial situation. I panicked when the news came through of the attack in South Korea but, the moment the Emergency Broadcast came on, the roles reversed. I was no longer panicked while my housemate was. I, somehow, managed to keep a focussed mind as his went to shit. As far as I was concerned, this was all real and I was about to die yet I was keep a cool head. Maybe because I realised that there was no use in panicking anyway.
In that dream, I managed to confront my fear. Which is strange. Even at, what I genuinely thought was the end of my life, I managed to remain cold and logical. I'm going to die anyway, I'm not going to die panicking. As Clara Oswald says in Face The Raven:
"Let me be brave. Let me be brave..."
As for the first dream, I didn't confront any fear in that one. In fact, it made that fear worse. But on reflection, it's shown me that the situation in the first dream is far more terrifying to me than the nuclear death I experienced in the second dream. Which, in a way, it actually progress for me.
My paranoia dictates I'm scared of dying. And, by putting me in the position where I 100% believe I'm about to die, I managed to keep a cooler head in that situation rather than watching someone I care about get attacked. And that's the progress. The fear of my friends being hurt scares me more than dying. Something which I hadn't realised until now. Until now I thought my fear of dying was king but it appears, to me anyway, that my love and care for my friends overrides that.
I've had realistic dreams before. In 2011, I had a dream that I actually grew up in Cardiff as opposed to me hometown and, it felt so real, I actually convinced myself that the Cardiff life was real and this realm was just a dream I had. And, in that dream, I had to die in order to return. Only I wasn't as scared of death as I am now...
But this dream wasn't as realistic as number two. Yet, still, I was more scared of the first dream than the second.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still scared. Even as I type this I'm still coming down from the utter fear I have of the first one alone. I even tried to recreate the BBC News report in order to visualise it and realise how stupid it all was but, it made it worse. Writing this has helped though. And that's what this particular post was designed to do.
Maybe I am making progress against my paranoia and my hypochondria?
Or maybe I've just come to accept that, against the other diseases that could ravage my body at any time, being killed in a nuclear explosion is my preferred method of dispatch?
Who knows. Either way, my dreams are scaring me at the moment. And I'm certainly sure that I don't like it.
Sweet dreams. Hopefully they're not too realistic.
Dreams. Some people love them, and some people hate them. And I'm not referring to the white chocolate bar from the 1990s. I do miss that bar...
I'm talking the phenomenon that happens during our sleep. The weird thing that takes us to new worlds or into fantastical memories.
Or it's something that can mess us up at a moment's notice.
The past few nights, since I've been able to have memorable dreams again, I've noticed a slightly worrying trend. The past 3 nights, I've had very realistic dreams. Not only have they felt realistic, they've featured myself in realistic qualities rather than the usual fantastical Joshua that tends to be seen.
And it's scaring me.
The past few nights' dreams have followed a similar trajectory, featuring one single person over and over again. And while I won't go into what happened in the dreams of wednesday and thursday nights, it's 2 memorable dreams I had last night that worry me greatly. One follows a similar theme to the previous two nights while one, which happened this morning after falling back asleep, doesn't fit at all and, frankly, I genuinely thought it was all real until a certain point.
It's worth noting now that both of the dreams I'm about to describe triggered some kind of anxiety attack. This is why I'm writing it down and sharing it. For catharsis as I've stupidly done something to trigger one again. Screw anxiety.
Here goes:
I'm out with my friend. (Who shall remain unnamed). We're in our hometown and we're just walking, chatting and laughing. Care-free. The inference is we've spent most of the day together and had a lovely time. Evidently, we'd decided we were hungry so we stopped by the fruit shop in town and I went in bought myself a banana and her, an apple.
As I went to pay, I looked out of the shop to find her and saw that she was being harassed by 5 men. All were around her age and she was visibly distressed. (When I say 'harassed', I don't mean anything physical but it was easy to see she didn't want this attention). Seeing this, I immediately ran outside and told the 5 guys where to go. Begrudgingly, they left us alone. I checked to see if she was ok and she was clearly shaken. Despite this, she had her apple and everything was fine.
We then end up in the Tescos in our town and we're looking around for stuff. (The inference is that we're having dinner together so we're just picking something to have). It's at this point that my friend starts to go weird. Not weird in the usual dream sense, but almost drunk. She starts to feel ill, faint and looks drunk. At this point, I start to panic. It's also at this point that she admits that she accepted a drink of water from one of the guys outside the fruit shop before. It's become clear that the water she drank was spiked with something and she was starting to feel the effects from it.
As I desperately try to get her to come with me and sit down somewhere in the shop, the 5 guys return. One of them hits me, I fall down, and another 2 start to drag me away from her. My friend is screaming for me as I get dragged away but is also trying to fight the effects of whatever she was spiked with. Although I've been attacked, I'm desperately trying to get free in order to help her. I lay there helpless as I'm dragged further and further away from her. No-one else in the shop either notices or tries to help us but this is the situation we're in. I get hit again and I fall down.
One of the guys dragging me lets me go and runs back to the main group. While these guys aren't doing anything physical to my friend, the threat of it is there and it's clear she's in distress. Continuing to fight the effects of the drug while trying to get to me to help me. I get up and run towards her but I'm pulled back by the remaining guy.
I look up at this guy and it's someone I went to school with. Someone I considered a friend for a time. He looks down at me and smiles while saying "stay down, Josh..." However, I refuse to and I try to fight him. I just about win, flooring him and running back to my friend. By this stage, the guys have noticed I've gotten free and they decide to grab my friend and run off with her. We're continuing to scream each others names in distress as she, and the men, disappear out of the shop. I'm left in the shop desperately calling her name as the door to the shop seems to get further away.
This is where I woke up. As I did, it was 7:28am and I was panicking, fighting back tears and hyperventilating.
The reason this dream has been on my mind all day is, not only because of what happened within it, but because the emotions I felt and woke up with were real. And it felt like I'd let this person down despite the fact it didn't actually happen. I felt helpless. Which is always a terrible emotion to feel.
I went downstairs, went to the loo and went back to sleep. Despite being coming out of what was an apparent anxiety attack, I managed to get to sleep.
However, my morning was about to get weirder.
****
Later on, I'm woken up by my housemate. He's shaking me hard so I wake up. There's fear on his face. He looks at me terrified. I ask him what's wrong and he tells me:
"Something's happened, you need to come and see this, but you mustn't panic, Josh, there's nothing you can do..."
I get up and we run into his room. We look at his computer screen and BBC News is broadcasting from it. We stare in horror as footage of a mushroom cloud is layered behind a BBC Breaking News ticker. The headline is clear:
"NUCLEAR HORROR IN SOUTH KOREA"
BBC News anchor, George Alagiah, calmly explains that North Korea have fired 2 nuclear warheads into Seoul, the capital of North Korea, and Busan, the second largest city. North Korean have ordered its troops across the border in a blatant continuation of the Korean War. I cry as I watch and I can feel myself start to hyperventilate. My housemate looks at me, grabs me, and tells me that I need to calm down. But I can't. The fear of what's going to happen next grips me and I start telling him that in less than two weeks, we'll be forced to fire our weapons and we will be the victims of a retaliation, depending on what side different countries take.
I run back into my room, scour my drawers and I find a brown envelope. I run back into my housemate's room and remind him that, in the envelope, is my Nuclear Attack Plan. A document I created late last year in order to facilitate different options should this scenario occur. I shout at him in a panic telling him that he need to pack the most important things and prepare to return home. I tell him that our current location is not safe and we need to return to our rural towns in order to increase chances of initial survival. He slaps me and tells me I'm overreacting but I don't back down.
The news broadcast, which seems to have taken over his computer, is continuing to explain what's happening with the situation as my housemate and I have an argument over my reaction. The news can very clearly be heard over our arguing and it's explaining that the UK has sent diplomats to China in order to negotiate a ceasefire and to ease tensions.
It's at this point, the screen on the computer changes. BBC News has gone, the screen has gone black. For a few moments, we stop arguing and we stare at it. Neither of sure where it's gone. Moments later, the Emergency Broadcast System appears and explains that a nuclear weapon is on its way to the UK.
My housemate looks at me panicked but I'm no longer panicked. Something's not right. I realise that the only warheads so far have been fired into South Korea. BBC News explicitly stated that no other warheads had been fired as of yet. Especially not from North Korea. Yet here the Emergency Broadcast system is.
I look back at my housemate, who's panicking, and asking why I'm no longer panicking. I then explain that it makes no sense for the UK to be attacked this soon after the initial nuclear blast in South Korea.
I reassure him it's all going to be ok and that we may be fine. The air raid sirens can be heard outside. I grab his shoulders and tell him to call his girlfriend if it makes him feel better and I run into my bedroom and text my friend in Southampton telling her it's been nice knowing her and to please stay safe if she can. I then phone my mum. My mum's crying down the phone as she tries to make sure I'm out of danger. I want to tell her I am but I tell her that the sirens are blaring outside and Southampton has probably been selected as a target. I tell her to stay on the line until such a time where it becomes impossible as we both come to terms with the fact I'm about to die.
I run back into my housemate's room who's on the phone to his girlfriend in tears. We tell our respective callers we love them, look at each other and say to each other it's only a drill...
We see a massive flash of light outside of his window, we hear a bang and suddenly, everything goes black.
****
I wake up realising that I was dreaming again and that I was in my bed. Everything was fine. I was alive, my housemate was alive and the house was still here. Nothing bad had happened.
****
There are a number of differences between the dreams.
Firstly, the two dreams follow the theme of helplessness. In the first dream, my friend was getting harassed and assaulted and I was physically unable to overcome the obstacle to help her. In the second dream, the world's about to come to an end and I can't do anything to stop it. In the situation of the second one, I was much calmer when the Emergency Broadcast came on because I knew that there was nothing I could do to prevent my fate. Or that of my housemate. I just tell him to phone his girlfriend and get his affairs in order before we're inevitably vaporized by the nuclear missile about to detonate in Southampton.
Secondly, while the emotions in both dreams were real, I could still recognise the fact that the first dream was just that. A dream. While it slowly turned into a horrible nightmare, I still had some notion that it was a dream. The second dream, however, I couldn't tell. It looked, felt and seemed so real that I accepted it as truth. I even felt myself being shaken to wake up despite it not happening. The second dream, as far as I was concerned, was 100% real. It wasn't until the BBC News feed got interrupted and the Emergency Broadcast came on. There's no way the UK would be attacked that quickly after a blast in South Korea that happened less than hour before. Until that point, as far as I was concerned, North Korea delivered on their threats to launch a pre-emptive strike against the South Koreans.
Thirdly, although both had different outcomes and situations, they both addressed key fears that I have. The first dream included someone I care deeply about being harassed, assaulted and more and I couldn't stop it. Despite my best efforts, I was unable to prevent what was happening to her. I have many friends and I care about all of them. If anything like this happened to them in real life I don't know what I'd do. But it highlighted the notion that I'm helpless, useless and, in some way, not good enough to be around them. In the second one, I confronted what I considered to be my worst fears right now. Dying and the notion of dying as the result of a nuclear strike on the United Kingdom. I've done so much research into nuclear weapons and the effects of them that I know exactly what'll happen if one fires. In fact, the Nuclear Attack Plan I confronted my housemate with in the dream exists. It's in the drawer next to me now. I hope never to use it but it's there just in case. Especially I'm not too far from a city that could be a considerable nuclear target.
But it has put one thing in perspective.
Although, in the second dream, my real nightmare scenario was coming true, I only panicked at the initial situation. I panicked when the news came through of the attack in South Korea but, the moment the Emergency Broadcast came on, the roles reversed. I was no longer panicked while my housemate was. I, somehow, managed to keep a focussed mind as his went to shit. As far as I was concerned, this was all real and I was about to die yet I was keep a cool head. Maybe because I realised that there was no use in panicking anyway.
In that dream, I managed to confront my fear. Which is strange. Even at, what I genuinely thought was the end of my life, I managed to remain cold and logical. I'm going to die anyway, I'm not going to die panicking. As Clara Oswald says in Face The Raven:
"Let me be brave. Let me be brave..."
As for the first dream, I didn't confront any fear in that one. In fact, it made that fear worse. But on reflection, it's shown me that the situation in the first dream is far more terrifying to me than the nuclear death I experienced in the second dream. Which, in a way, it actually progress for me.
My paranoia dictates I'm scared of dying. And, by putting me in the position where I 100% believe I'm about to die, I managed to keep a cooler head in that situation rather than watching someone I care about get attacked. And that's the progress. The fear of my friends being hurt scares me more than dying. Something which I hadn't realised until now. Until now I thought my fear of dying was king but it appears, to me anyway, that my love and care for my friends overrides that.
I've had realistic dreams before. In 2011, I had a dream that I actually grew up in Cardiff as opposed to me hometown and, it felt so real, I actually convinced myself that the Cardiff life was real and this realm was just a dream I had. And, in that dream, I had to die in order to return. Only I wasn't as scared of death as I am now...
But this dream wasn't as realistic as number two. Yet, still, I was more scared of the first dream than the second.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still scared. Even as I type this I'm still coming down from the utter fear I have of the first one alone. I even tried to recreate the BBC News report in order to visualise it and realise how stupid it all was but, it made it worse. Writing this has helped though. And that's what this particular post was designed to do.
Maybe I am making progress against my paranoia and my hypochondria?
Or maybe I've just come to accept that, against the other diseases that could ravage my body at any time, being killed in a nuclear explosion is my preferred method of dispatch?
Who knows. Either way, my dreams are scaring me at the moment. And I'm certainly sure that I don't like it.
Sweet dreams. Hopefully they're not too realistic.
Tuesday 8 March 2016
A Sexual Attraction To Stir-Fry [Explicit Content]
You're going to be so disappointed after reading that title...
Social constructs suck. I'm sorry to say it but they suck big time. Of course, without them, society would be more of a mess than it currently is. We would be in a constant state of anarchy without rules and constructs stopping us from saying and doing whatever the heck we want. But that doesn't mean most of these things are either confusing, stupid or both. It doesn't even have to be spoken. It can be physical too.
My issue is with social cues. I'm not very good at reading non-verbal social cues which, sometimes, gets me into trouble. And there are many things about society and humans that confused the living shit out of me.
For example, I recently discovered that women can actually turn pink in the face when confronted with the thought of someone they find desirable. This confused me when I found out because people can actually change colour? I thought people could only change colour in the face when they'd been in the sun too long or if they were asphyxiating. I haven't done any research into it but, apparently, it happens and it's probably to do with an elevated heart rate or something.
But this blog post isn't about why women go pink at the idea of being romantically involved with someone they find desirable. I've decided not to write about that kind of thing in detail anymore because it's too confusing for me to even care about. This blog post is about other things. Mainly, political correctness and social cues. I'm not good with either.
My sense of humour is somewhat twisted compared to most people I know. I'll laugh at anything if it's funny and I'll voice my opinion if I find something offensive. I also feel quite proud that I can work out when it's appropriate to make bad jokes and things like that. I'll often crack slightly darker jokes when I'm around my friends or my mother, but I'd never do it when I'm working with children. I often do work with children and I would never dream of making a sick joke in that environment. However, this doesn't mean I don't get offended or that I can't be offensive.
Just know that if I ever do accidentally offend you, I will apologise profusely and admit my mistake.
If I offend you because you offended me first, well, you can go [CENSORED FOR SENSITIVE REASONS].
But political correctness is something I'm in a constant struggle with. Generally speaking, I'm an easy going guy but there are limits to this. Examples:
I'm a man who has a VERY receding hairline. My friends make quips and jokes about it all the time and that's fine. I don't mind them saying it because I know they're not saying it maliciously. However, one a uni social one night, one guy I had only met once before decided to make my hair the butt of a few harsh jokes and, frankly, I nearly hit him. Which is rare for me. Especially when he referred to something he saw on a holiday as "not as ugly as his hairline..." pointing at me as he said it.
See I don't find that funny. However, sometimes, people say things that are funny to me, especially when it's a joke at my expense.
I identify as panromantic gray-asexual. This was brought up recently over a skype call with a friend who had guests round. One of my oldest friends was there and cannot wrap his head around the term 'pansexuality' and assumes I'm in love with kitchen utensils. He asked one of the other guests who was there, which led to this conversation:
"Chris, do you know what pansexual means?"
"Nope."
"What do you think it is?"
"To be honest, I got told that it was where someone had a sexual attraction to stir-fry".
See. I find that funny. I know plenty that wouldn't but I found it funny because he genuinely didn't understand so he didn't say it maliciously.
But political correctness drives me bonkers. Especially as I grow older because now I'm beginning to see that it has gone too far in some places. A couple of days ago, Kim Kardashian-West posted a nude photo to Instagram and, while the internet didn't break, people's minds did. It's caused a lot of debate and, actually, a lot of backlash.
My own personal view on the issue is this. I don't think Kardashian should've put a nude photo on social media. That said, I am a total prude. However, it's entirely her choice if she chooses to and shouldn't be shamed for it. Which she has been from numerous sources. Namely, Bette Midler. Who I personally went a little far with her criticism but, hey. One other name that appeared was young actress Chloe Grace Moretz of Kick-Ass fame who said:
"I truly hope you realize how important setting goals are for young women, teaching them we have so much more to offer than just our bodies".
Now, many people have accused Moretz of "slut-shaming". I personally don't think she has at all. Because, here's another social cue I don't get. "Slut-shaming". It's a stupid word don't you think? Because, to me, its existence and usage, especially in this situation, seems to be a complete double-negative. Allow me to explain why:
Moretz's point suggests that she's concerned that Kardashian-West's actions might enforce a negative body image to impressionable young women. Given we, in the West, live in what is, arguably, a hyper-sexualized society, I completely agree with her. This is where the criticism of Moretz's point gets lost on me. Many suggest that she "slut-shamed" Kardashian-West with this tweet which, to me, is utter bollocks because, yes she's calling Kardashian-West to task over taking a nude selfie, but she doesn't say that she was wrong to do so. She merely seems to articulate that Kardashian-West is a person in a position of societal influence and that she should also do more to help enforce positive body imagery.
And this is my point with the term "slut-shaming". In the limited research I've done around this topic, it appears that people are, as always, divided into two groups. One group is trying to demean Kardashian-West for her actions, even suggesting that she is the possession of her husband, Kanye West.
WHICH IS WRONG BY THE WAY BECAUSE WOMEN ARE NOT OBJECTS. I can't believe I feel the need to write that in 2016.
While the other side are suggesting that Kardashian-West is not acting "sluttish" but are calling out people like Moretz for "slut-shaming". Which seems like a total hypocrisy.
Because, to me, to accuse someone of 'slut-shaming' is to acknowledge that you yourself believe the action to be 'slutty' in the first instance, even if you've taken to social media to defend it. For me, using the term 'slut-shaming' is basically indirectly calling the person in question a slut anyway. Which Kardashian-West is, obviously, not.
The term 'slut' in itself is stupid in itself. Because there's a double standard here as well. Generally speaking anyway.
As far as I know, a 'slut' is someone who has sex more than is perceived acceptable or has sex with a lot of different people outside of a relationship capacity. Meanwhile, when a guy does the same, it seems to be perfectly acceptable. SEEMS I hasten to add.
I don't even think there is male equivalent word for a 'slut'. I suppose the word 'fuckboy' is the closest I've heard of? I personally use the word 'prick' to describe people like that. And what makes a 'slut' different to a 'prick'? The answer is their biological sex. A 'prick' can sleep with a number of women and will be heralded by his mates and others as a 'legend' for his actions while a woman will get degraded for doing the same thing.
What social construct allowed this to happen? Many hardcore feminists will shout 'the Patriarchy' and, on this occasion, I'm going to agree, Because society has been dominated by men for so long, we got to set the terms. Under the guise of original sin, men have set the agenda for hundreds of years and we're carrying it on. Although women have so many more freedoms in society than they did 100 years ago, there's still a long way to go.
One more story to illustrate this particular point.
I was in my English class in Year 13 and we were talking about stereotypes. The teacher split the bored into two columns, 'male' and 'female' and asked us to write general stereotypes of each gender, complete freedom to write what we wished. For the first few minutes, I genuinely felt sick. This is a taste of what the 'female' column looked like with the guys writing it, laughing as they did. (Which led to believe they believed most of what they'd written)
"Whore", "Slut", "Cum dumpster", "Slag", "Prostitute", "Wrong", "Whiny", "Belongs in the kitchen", "Sandwich maker".
Those were just a few. The whole column (which stretched half the board) was nearly full of all these kinds of things.
By that stage, only one of the girls had gone up to write one word about boys on the board. The rest seemed to traumatised to do anything and felt nervous about taking them on. With this in mind, I decided I couldn't stand this anymore so I took the pen and wrote a number of words down. Here's an idea of what I wrote on the 'female' side.
"Kind", "Caring", "Beautiful", "Motherly", "Sassy", "Independent", "Wonderful", "Always Helpful", "Strong", "Deserve Better".
I endeared myself to a few of the girls that day, and my female teacher, for writing that. But I got cheers after writing stuff this stuff down on the male side.
"Dicks", "Idiots", "Assholes", "Fucktards", "Users", "Bastards", "Irrational", "Deserve To Be Brought Down A Peg", "Manipulative", "Arrogant", "Cunts".
I'm not going to lie, I was scared that lesson for two reasons. Firstly, I thought that those boys' descriptions of women were monstrous and you could visibly see the women in the class being very uncomfortable as they wrote them and laughed about it. Secondly, the fact that these descriptors existed unnerved me. In that microcosm of the classroom on that day, I did my best to redress the balance between the genders. However, these descriptors are still used very freely in society.
And that's stupid.
A woman's choice is her choice alone.
If she wants to put a naked selfie on social media, it's her choice.
If she wants to have an abortion for a very legitimate reason, it's her choice.
If she wants to go outside in a mid-riff and short shorts, it's her choice.
You may not agree with it but it's really not your place to judge her.
And the same goes for males. Don't think I'm male bashing here but there needs to be an equality of criticism too. And gender double standards need to end.
Because, for someone like me, it's hard to keep up with and not say something offensive accidentally.
Political correctness is ok to a point.
I know I went way off topic on that but oh well.
And I'm sorry there wasn't more to do with sexualised stir-fry in this but, I did promise you disappointment.
Social constructs suck. I'm sorry to say it but they suck big time. Of course, without them, society would be more of a mess than it currently is. We would be in a constant state of anarchy without rules and constructs stopping us from saying and doing whatever the heck we want. But that doesn't mean most of these things are either confusing, stupid or both. It doesn't even have to be spoken. It can be physical too.
My issue is with social cues. I'm not very good at reading non-verbal social cues which, sometimes, gets me into trouble. And there are many things about society and humans that confused the living shit out of me.
For example, I recently discovered that women can actually turn pink in the face when confronted with the thought of someone they find desirable. This confused me when I found out because people can actually change colour? I thought people could only change colour in the face when they'd been in the sun too long or if they were asphyxiating. I haven't done any research into it but, apparently, it happens and it's probably to do with an elevated heart rate or something.
But this blog post isn't about why women go pink at the idea of being romantically involved with someone they find desirable. I've decided not to write about that kind of thing in detail anymore because it's too confusing for me to even care about. This blog post is about other things. Mainly, political correctness and social cues. I'm not good with either.
My sense of humour is somewhat twisted compared to most people I know. I'll laugh at anything if it's funny and I'll voice my opinion if I find something offensive. I also feel quite proud that I can work out when it's appropriate to make bad jokes and things like that. I'll often crack slightly darker jokes when I'm around my friends or my mother, but I'd never do it when I'm working with children. I often do work with children and I would never dream of making a sick joke in that environment. However, this doesn't mean I don't get offended or that I can't be offensive.
Just know that if I ever do accidentally offend you, I will apologise profusely and admit my mistake.
If I offend you because you offended me first, well, you can go [CENSORED FOR SENSITIVE REASONS].
But political correctness is something I'm in a constant struggle with. Generally speaking, I'm an easy going guy but there are limits to this. Examples:
I'm a man who has a VERY receding hairline. My friends make quips and jokes about it all the time and that's fine. I don't mind them saying it because I know they're not saying it maliciously. However, one a uni social one night, one guy I had only met once before decided to make my hair the butt of a few harsh jokes and, frankly, I nearly hit him. Which is rare for me. Especially when he referred to something he saw on a holiday as "not as ugly as his hairline..." pointing at me as he said it.
See I don't find that funny. However, sometimes, people say things that are funny to me, especially when it's a joke at my expense.
I identify as panromantic gray-asexual. This was brought up recently over a skype call with a friend who had guests round. One of my oldest friends was there and cannot wrap his head around the term 'pansexuality' and assumes I'm in love with kitchen utensils. He asked one of the other guests who was there, which led to this conversation:
"Chris, do you know what pansexual means?"
"Nope."
"What do you think it is?"
"To be honest, I got told that it was where someone had a sexual attraction to stir-fry".
See. I find that funny. I know plenty that wouldn't but I found it funny because he genuinely didn't understand so he didn't say it maliciously.
But political correctness drives me bonkers. Especially as I grow older because now I'm beginning to see that it has gone too far in some places. A couple of days ago, Kim Kardashian-West posted a nude photo to Instagram and, while the internet didn't break, people's minds did. It's caused a lot of debate and, actually, a lot of backlash.
My own personal view on the issue is this. I don't think Kardashian should've put a nude photo on social media. That said, I am a total prude. However, it's entirely her choice if she chooses to and shouldn't be shamed for it. Which she has been from numerous sources. Namely, Bette Midler. Who I personally went a little far with her criticism but, hey. One other name that appeared was young actress Chloe Grace Moretz of Kick-Ass fame who said:
"I truly hope you realize how important setting goals are for young women, teaching them we have so much more to offer than just our bodies".
Now, many people have accused Moretz of "slut-shaming". I personally don't think she has at all. Because, here's another social cue I don't get. "Slut-shaming". It's a stupid word don't you think? Because, to me, its existence and usage, especially in this situation, seems to be a complete double-negative. Allow me to explain why:
Moretz's point suggests that she's concerned that Kardashian-West's actions might enforce a negative body image to impressionable young women. Given we, in the West, live in what is, arguably, a hyper-sexualized society, I completely agree with her. This is where the criticism of Moretz's point gets lost on me. Many suggest that she "slut-shamed" Kardashian-West with this tweet which, to me, is utter bollocks because, yes she's calling Kardashian-West to task over taking a nude selfie, but she doesn't say that she was wrong to do so. She merely seems to articulate that Kardashian-West is a person in a position of societal influence and that she should also do more to help enforce positive body imagery.
And this is my point with the term "slut-shaming". In the limited research I've done around this topic, it appears that people are, as always, divided into two groups. One group is trying to demean Kardashian-West for her actions, even suggesting that she is the possession of her husband, Kanye West.
WHICH IS WRONG BY THE WAY BECAUSE WOMEN ARE NOT OBJECTS. I can't believe I feel the need to write that in 2016.
While the other side are suggesting that Kardashian-West is not acting "sluttish" but are calling out people like Moretz for "slut-shaming". Which seems like a total hypocrisy.
Because, to me, to accuse someone of 'slut-shaming' is to acknowledge that you yourself believe the action to be 'slutty' in the first instance, even if you've taken to social media to defend it. For me, using the term 'slut-shaming' is basically indirectly calling the person in question a slut anyway. Which Kardashian-West is, obviously, not.
The term 'slut' in itself is stupid in itself. Because there's a double standard here as well. Generally speaking anyway.
As far as I know, a 'slut' is someone who has sex more than is perceived acceptable or has sex with a lot of different people outside of a relationship capacity. Meanwhile, when a guy does the same, it seems to be perfectly acceptable. SEEMS I hasten to add.
I don't even think there is male equivalent word for a 'slut'. I suppose the word 'fuckboy' is the closest I've heard of? I personally use the word 'prick' to describe people like that. And what makes a 'slut' different to a 'prick'? The answer is their biological sex. A 'prick' can sleep with a number of women and will be heralded by his mates and others as a 'legend' for his actions while a woman will get degraded for doing the same thing.
What social construct allowed this to happen? Many hardcore feminists will shout 'the Patriarchy' and, on this occasion, I'm going to agree, Because society has been dominated by men for so long, we got to set the terms. Under the guise of original sin, men have set the agenda for hundreds of years and we're carrying it on. Although women have so many more freedoms in society than they did 100 years ago, there's still a long way to go.
One more story to illustrate this particular point.
I was in my English class in Year 13 and we were talking about stereotypes. The teacher split the bored into two columns, 'male' and 'female' and asked us to write general stereotypes of each gender, complete freedom to write what we wished. For the first few minutes, I genuinely felt sick. This is a taste of what the 'female' column looked like with the guys writing it, laughing as they did. (Which led to believe they believed most of what they'd written)
"Whore", "Slut", "Cum dumpster", "Slag", "Prostitute", "Wrong", "Whiny", "Belongs in the kitchen", "Sandwich maker".
Those were just a few. The whole column (which stretched half the board) was nearly full of all these kinds of things.
By that stage, only one of the girls had gone up to write one word about boys on the board. The rest seemed to traumatised to do anything and felt nervous about taking them on. With this in mind, I decided I couldn't stand this anymore so I took the pen and wrote a number of words down. Here's an idea of what I wrote on the 'female' side.
"Kind", "Caring", "Beautiful", "Motherly", "Sassy", "Independent", "Wonderful", "Always Helpful", "Strong", "Deserve Better".
I endeared myself to a few of the girls that day, and my female teacher, for writing that. But I got cheers after writing stuff this stuff down on the male side.
"Dicks", "Idiots", "Assholes", "Fucktards", "Users", "Bastards", "Irrational", "Deserve To Be Brought Down A Peg", "Manipulative", "Arrogant", "Cunts".
I'm not going to lie, I was scared that lesson for two reasons. Firstly, I thought that those boys' descriptions of women were monstrous and you could visibly see the women in the class being very uncomfortable as they wrote them and laughed about it. Secondly, the fact that these descriptors existed unnerved me. In that microcosm of the classroom on that day, I did my best to redress the balance between the genders. However, these descriptors are still used very freely in society.
And that's stupid.
A woman's choice is her choice alone.
If she wants to put a naked selfie on social media, it's her choice.
If she wants to have an abortion for a very legitimate reason, it's her choice.
If she wants to go outside in a mid-riff and short shorts, it's her choice.
You may not agree with it but it's really not your place to judge her.
And the same goes for males. Don't think I'm male bashing here but there needs to be an equality of criticism too. And gender double standards need to end.
Because, for someone like me, it's hard to keep up with and not say something offensive accidentally.
Political correctness is ok to a point.
I know I went way off topic on that but oh well.
And I'm sorry there wasn't more to do with sexualised stir-fry in this but, I did promise you disappointment.
Sunday 6 March 2016
A Universe In My Head - 'The Black Triangle Argument'
The morality of morals
Ok, so, the last post I did went into some detail about my own personal coping strategy. This involved me creating a superhero universe made up of myself and people I know and retreating into it when things get tough so that I can personify the problem and take that problem down with my friends by my side.
Now, since that post, my Liz and I have been writing stories together involving the characters by taking on certain ones and coming up with perils in real time. Now, I very much enjoy this as it's a nice way to stay sane while completing my dissertation. Not only that, we're both giving each character a lot more depth than I could ever do on my own and, frankly, Liz is giving me some very wonderful ideas of how to carry on the story. I owe her a lot for doing this. However, last night, something happened in the story that really interested me and I couldn't stop thinking about it until I finally fell asleep at about 3am. We came up with a VERY interesting moral dilemma that I'd love to hear your views on.
The dilemma is thus:
Liz's character, Othergirl, is a super-soldier from the future and used to belong to an Earth-based army known as 'The Black Triangle'. Now, far in the future, Earth goes to war with a planet called Eden. (The homeworld of my character, Speedfreak). In this war, the Black Triangle were merciless killers, conquering planets and slaughtering the inhabitants. In fact, last night, we settled on that number being 27.6 trillion beings across the galaxy. Now, after 4 years of war, the United Nations of Earth and the Edenic Elders created an armistice deal that ended all hostilities. However, this did not please Commander Garrett of the Black Triangle and he decided that the United Nations had failed the planet by surrendering. So, he decided that that Black Triangle would attack the Earth, take over the Government and subjugate the planet under martial law. Every soldier in the Black Triangle supported this except for Othergirl who, by this point, had her brain-washing cyber-programming corrupted. Part of this corruption allowed her to develop a conscience, which was outlawed in the Triangle, and realise that what was about to happen was wrong. So, she runs away and defects with the intention of returning to Earth to warn the planet about the onslaught. She runs away from her 'brothers and sisters' to make sure that the Earth was safe.
My character, Speedfreak, is an alien speedster from the planet Eden but grew up on Earth after the planet fell into a war with their twin planet, Auria. Because the war was so substantial, Eden pulled in soldiers from across time to help them, including Speedfreak. Now, because of Speedfreak's stance on war (as well as his connection to planet Earth), he refused to fight for one single side. So, he set up a team that would fight both sides and endeavour to save as many people from the horrors of the war. This meant that Speedfreak and his team went up against the Black Triangle a lot and, eventually, led to Speedfreak meeting Othergirl on the planet Arantia, thereby kick starting her origin story. (It is in fact Speedfreak that ends up corrupting her programming). At the same time that Othergirl is starting to run away from the Black Triangle, Speedfreak hears news of the Black Triangle's intentions and races to Earth to try and intercept them. In doing so he contacts the leader of the Black Triangle, Commander Garrett, with an ultimatum. "Reconsider your plans to attack Earth or suffer the consequences". Garrett, who doesn't see the need to back down, calls Speedfreak;s bluff and refuses to reconsider his current course. So, in the name of protecting the Earth and billions of lives, he sets off a series of devices designed to trigger localised black holes. All 10,000 Black Triangle ships and all 30,000 Black Triangle soldiers end up falling into the black hole and it's all assumed that they all died as they fell into the event horizon. The only exception was Othergirl, who fell into a temporal schism created from the impact and the leftover material from the singularity. The war ends with the Black Triangle falling into the black holes (which later turn out to be a temporal prison and means that the deaths are still occurring rather than being instant as planned).
Now, this is where the story gets interesting.
In our run of stories, Othergirl has just discovered that Speedfreak did this to the Black Triangle and has, understandably, gotten very angry about it. A man she trusted on her first few months on Earth, and one of her best friends, has transpired to be the one who ended the war in this way. This has led to a split in the team. One side is sympathetic to Othergirl and the other half are sympathetic to Speedfreak.
The half sympathetic to Speedfreak argue that the Black Triangle were about to attack the Earth and kill billions. In killing what was left of the Black Triangle, Speedfreak saved the planet from unnecessary death and is ultimately in the right. Not only that, the Black Triangle themselves killed 27.6 trillion people across the galaxy, so 30,000 Black Triangle soldiers isn't even a dent in the death toll compared to that of the Triangle. Given that the Triangle were known across the galaxy as ruthless killers, it doesn't seem such a bad thing that they were destroyed in the final day of the war. They accept that the method was probably over the top but, fundamentally, Speedfreak was right to do what he did for the sake of peace and for the sake of future planet Earth.
The half sympathetic to Othergirl argue that Speedfreak was wrong to do what he did because, at the end of the day, the Black Triangle were, by all accounts, the main family Othergirl had. Although the Black Triangle oppressed their soldiers heavily, it's all she's ever known apart from the few months she's been on 21st century Earth. Not only that, they argue that the Black Triangle have brain-washed their soldiers into complete submission so they did not have total control over what they were doing. After each assault, each Black Triangle soldier's memory is downloaded and then wiped the from the unit in case they develop a conscience. However, due to the corruption in Othergirl's programming, she remembers everyone she killed. The number Othergirl gives as her own kill number is 4,931, but argues that she didn't have the self-control in order to stop herself from killing those people while Speedfreak killed the 30,000 Black Triangle soldiers on his own accord, free from mental control. (Which he also freely admits). So they argue that, while Othergirl didn't have a choice, Speedfreak did.
After we both went to bed, this particular moral question kept going through my head. It fascinated me how we'd created this moral argument and how both of us were passionately arguing points through the story. But here's the funny thing. There are flaws in both arguments.
Ok, so, the last post I did went into some detail about my own personal coping strategy. This involved me creating a superhero universe made up of myself and people I know and retreating into it when things get tough so that I can personify the problem and take that problem down with my friends by my side.
Now, since that post, my Liz and I have been writing stories together involving the characters by taking on certain ones and coming up with perils in real time. Now, I very much enjoy this as it's a nice way to stay sane while completing my dissertation. Not only that, we're both giving each character a lot more depth than I could ever do on my own and, frankly, Liz is giving me some very wonderful ideas of how to carry on the story. I owe her a lot for doing this. However, last night, something happened in the story that really interested me and I couldn't stop thinking about it until I finally fell asleep at about 3am. We came up with a VERY interesting moral dilemma that I'd love to hear your views on.
The dilemma is thus:
Liz's character, Othergirl, is a super-soldier from the future and used to belong to an Earth-based army known as 'The Black Triangle'. Now, far in the future, Earth goes to war with a planet called Eden. (The homeworld of my character, Speedfreak). In this war, the Black Triangle were merciless killers, conquering planets and slaughtering the inhabitants. In fact, last night, we settled on that number being 27.6 trillion beings across the galaxy. Now, after 4 years of war, the United Nations of Earth and the Edenic Elders created an armistice deal that ended all hostilities. However, this did not please Commander Garrett of the Black Triangle and he decided that the United Nations had failed the planet by surrendering. So, he decided that that Black Triangle would attack the Earth, take over the Government and subjugate the planet under martial law. Every soldier in the Black Triangle supported this except for Othergirl who, by this point, had her brain-washing cyber-programming corrupted. Part of this corruption allowed her to develop a conscience, which was outlawed in the Triangle, and realise that what was about to happen was wrong. So, she runs away and defects with the intention of returning to Earth to warn the planet about the onslaught. She runs away from her 'brothers and sisters' to make sure that the Earth was safe.
My character, Speedfreak, is an alien speedster from the planet Eden but grew up on Earth after the planet fell into a war with their twin planet, Auria. Because the war was so substantial, Eden pulled in soldiers from across time to help them, including Speedfreak. Now, because of Speedfreak's stance on war (as well as his connection to planet Earth), he refused to fight for one single side. So, he set up a team that would fight both sides and endeavour to save as many people from the horrors of the war. This meant that Speedfreak and his team went up against the Black Triangle a lot and, eventually, led to Speedfreak meeting Othergirl on the planet Arantia, thereby kick starting her origin story. (It is in fact Speedfreak that ends up corrupting her programming). At the same time that Othergirl is starting to run away from the Black Triangle, Speedfreak hears news of the Black Triangle's intentions and races to Earth to try and intercept them. In doing so he contacts the leader of the Black Triangle, Commander Garrett, with an ultimatum. "Reconsider your plans to attack Earth or suffer the consequences". Garrett, who doesn't see the need to back down, calls Speedfreak;s bluff and refuses to reconsider his current course. So, in the name of protecting the Earth and billions of lives, he sets off a series of devices designed to trigger localised black holes. All 10,000 Black Triangle ships and all 30,000 Black Triangle soldiers end up falling into the black hole and it's all assumed that they all died as they fell into the event horizon. The only exception was Othergirl, who fell into a temporal schism created from the impact and the leftover material from the singularity. The war ends with the Black Triangle falling into the black holes (which later turn out to be a temporal prison and means that the deaths are still occurring rather than being instant as planned).
Now, this is where the story gets interesting.
In our run of stories, Othergirl has just discovered that Speedfreak did this to the Black Triangle and has, understandably, gotten very angry about it. A man she trusted on her first few months on Earth, and one of her best friends, has transpired to be the one who ended the war in this way. This has led to a split in the team. One side is sympathetic to Othergirl and the other half are sympathetic to Speedfreak.
The half sympathetic to Speedfreak argue that the Black Triangle were about to attack the Earth and kill billions. In killing what was left of the Black Triangle, Speedfreak saved the planet from unnecessary death and is ultimately in the right. Not only that, the Black Triangle themselves killed 27.6 trillion people across the galaxy, so 30,000 Black Triangle soldiers isn't even a dent in the death toll compared to that of the Triangle. Given that the Triangle were known across the galaxy as ruthless killers, it doesn't seem such a bad thing that they were destroyed in the final day of the war. They accept that the method was probably over the top but, fundamentally, Speedfreak was right to do what he did for the sake of peace and for the sake of future planet Earth.
The half sympathetic to Othergirl argue that Speedfreak was wrong to do what he did because, at the end of the day, the Black Triangle were, by all accounts, the main family Othergirl had. Although the Black Triangle oppressed their soldiers heavily, it's all she's ever known apart from the few months she's been on 21st century Earth. Not only that, they argue that the Black Triangle have brain-washed their soldiers into complete submission so they did not have total control over what they were doing. After each assault, each Black Triangle soldier's memory is downloaded and then wiped the from the unit in case they develop a conscience. However, due to the corruption in Othergirl's programming, she remembers everyone she killed. The number Othergirl gives as her own kill number is 4,931, but argues that she didn't have the self-control in order to stop herself from killing those people while Speedfreak killed the 30,000 Black Triangle soldiers on his own accord, free from mental control. (Which he also freely admits). So they argue that, while Othergirl didn't have a choice, Speedfreak did.
After we both went to bed, this particular moral question kept going through my head. It fascinated me how we'd created this moral argument and how both of us were passionately arguing points through the story. But here's the funny thing. There are flaws in both arguments.
- Speedfreak claims he made the kills because they were about to attack the Earth, subjugate it and kill billions. The operative term here being "they were about to" not "they had attacked". While it's accepted this was Commander Garrett's plans, there's no way to tell if, should the attack have happened, it would've succeeded. At no point in the story was it explained how good Earth's defences were and whether the Black Triangle's weaponry would be able to counter those defences. So there's no actual way to tell whether the attack and the consequent coup d'etat would've been successful. Therefore, it could be argued, Speedfreak killed the Black Triangle on a possibility rather than on solid information. Bringing the timing of the kills and the notion of genocide back into question.
- Othergirl, although admitting that the Black Triangle were ruthless killers, claims that they were her family and her "kind", meaning that Speedfreak took everything from her. While it could be argued they were her family on an individual level, it's also mentioned that Black Triangle soldiers were forcibly taken from their parents as kids and were viciously experimented on in order to turn them into perfect weapons, There is a shared kin among Black Triangle units but this is the same as brothers in arms. The idea of family, as far as Othergirl's concerned, is a vision of family that most people would deem warped. Also, given the fact that she defected from the Black Triangle herself, it could be argued that she deep down felt that the attack on Earth was wrong and is more annoyed at Speedfreak for the deaths of the Black Triangle and the fact, in her eyes, he's trying to absolve himself by using the greater good argument to justify his actions.
- Another character in the story 'Visionarie', who is a psychic, appears to completely turn on her friend, Speedfreak, upon the revelation of what happened during the war. Now, it could be argued that she takes Othergirl's side due to the fact that they are very close, but it could also be argued that she's seen something in Speedfreak's mind that's scared her. Possibly a much darker motive as to why he killed the Black Triangle than to the motive he's admitting to.
- One more character in the scene, Sarah Jones, takes Speedfreak's side and tries to argue that everyone else would've done the same thing as Speedfreak if they were in his position and if the Earth was at stake. However, when she tries to ask Othergirl what she'd do were the roles reversed, she refuses to answer. This could mean that she agrees with what happened deep down or that she doesn't want to answer because it might cause her to face something she doesn't want to face.
I've absolutely loved this moral argument, and I know where I personally stand, but I'd love to hear comments about who you think's in the right.
Until next time!
Thursday 3 March 2016
A Universe Inside My Head
A universe inside my head. Anywhere, anytime. Where do you want to start?
So, anyone who knows me will know that I have created a sci-fi/comic universe. It's expansive and it's always being added to but, for all intents and purposes, it's mine. There's a reason why it's mine and there's a reason why I've now started to share it but it's mine all the same. And, for a blog, I thought I'd explain what my universe include and why I created it. Anyone else who has created their own universe will know how good it can be to create one but also how awesome it is once it's there. You get quite protective.
So let's begin.
Why did I create a universe in my head?
That answer is simple. It's because of my Aspergers Syndrome. For someone like me, life isn't easy. I know it's not easy for anyone but I personally have a disadvantage because I don't always understand social cues, constructs and people. I also have inherent anxiety and I also am a little hyper-sensitive so it means that I can become easily overwhelmed. If this happens, I become a nervous wreck and no use to anyone.
Since 2006, I've been constructing a universe in my head to help deal with these issues and problems. I suppose some people would call it a 'mind palace' but, for me, it's a universe that I can retreat into when things get tough or too much. My universe started off as more of a sci-fi universe where problems were aliens that needed stopping. A lot like Doctor Who in many ways. As Doctor Who was my obsession in my teenage years, it made sense for my coping strategy to take that form. However, now I'm in my 20s, my obsession lies more with comics now. I still love sci-fi and Doctor Who but I find comics much easier to relate to now. So I have the best of both worlds.
As a result, my universe has become increasingly more occupied with superheroes as opposed to character similar to science fiction. Though, of course, science fiction is still the cornerstone of my universe.
The formula for the universe is this:
- Ok. There's a problem. A BIG problem right now.
- Look at the situation, personify it and turn it into a super-villain.
- Transport that super-villain into my universe.
- Fight that super-villain to the best of my ability with my character in my head.
- If I win, fantastic. If I can't stop them, bring in my "team" made up of characters based on my friends, people I know and actors I love.
- We win. Fantastic.
It's a way for me to deal with problems, triggers and other scary monsters that lurk inside my head right now. And, trust me, there's a lot of them.
Why are you sharing this universe now?
I'm sharing it now because I feel that it might help other people in a similar situation to me. Either to distract them or to inspire them to create their own universe in which problems can be solved by metaphysically kicking the shit out of it. (The link to the stories by the way is : freakssuperherouniverse.blogspot.co.uk). That way, if anyone has problems like I do then they can translate my characters into their own lives if it helps.
Not only that, the characters I use are mostly based on real people so it's also nice for them to see what they mean to me by showing them the characters that are based on them. To give you an idea of the sorts of characters and people they're based on, here's a few examples.
'STARCASTER' - Starcaster is based on my friend Johanna who, despite having a lot of stress nearly all of the time, still manages to be a really happy person and make sure that everyone is happy before she is. Translating this into a character was simple. Starcaster (aka. Marion Gold) is a teenager who tries to kill herself after continually losing out on opportunities but gets saved by an alien race and is experimented on so that her body is now powered by a compressed star as opposed to a standard biological structure. As a result, she can do anything a star can do and live as long as a star can. I recently drew a mock front cover for Johanna's birthday with the tagline "the brightest star in the sky". The light in everyone's life and the ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. Given everything she's done for me, it's only fair to repay here as such.
'OTHERGIRL' - Othergirl is based on my friend Liz. Creating Othergirl from Liz was easy because the character options were extremely easy. Othergirl is a super-soldier who has gone through hell and brain-washing but manages to find her freedom. As a result, she fights to make sure no one else can be oppressed in that way or have to go through painful things. Bottom line, she doesn't want people to share the same pain she had. Liz is exactly the same person. Which, to me, makes her wonderful. As a result, Othergirl is a badass part-cybernetic-super-soldier who will go through anyone to protect the people she cares about. To be honest, it's gotten to the point where I can't tell any difference between the two of them. Not a bad thing by any stretch!
'SHADE' - Shade is based on a young lady I know called Eleanor. I've only met Eleanor once but I still consider her a good friend. Shade is no different. Shade is a young lady who feels out of place in the world, until an alien computer from the future crash-lands in her garden and helps her to become a sword-wielding-martial-art superhero despite her own battles with mental health. The idea behind Shade is clear; just because you have a mental health problem it doesn't make you any less badass or awesome than you were perceived as before. Eleanor, herself, is a lovely young woman who I'm very glad to be friends with but, even so, both of them are pretty badass.
'ELEMENTAL' - Elemental is based on my oldest friend, Joe. Joe's a massive science nerd so the character creation for him was also simple. As a baby, his character was subjected to a failed science experiment that caused his foetal self to absorb every element known to man. As a result, he can harness and manipulate every element on the periodic table at this will. He can become gaseous, turn to stone or become a liquid. (Yeah, still toying around with writing the liquid one...that's going to be fun). Joe himself is a physics nerd and loves science itself. Almost as much as climbing. But, still, the idea that he is the most powerful scientific resource in my universe should make up for the fact that we don't see each other much anymore.
'KARMA' - Karma is based on my housemate and close friend, Josh. Karma is one of personal favourites because his character was endowed with the power of the God of Karma. So, whenever someone does something wrong, Karma comes for them. He's a good guy with a clear sense of right and wrong but he's also not afraid to stand up for what's morally right. He doesn't just charge into things. He relies on his own instinct and senses to make a decision rather than just believing what's said on the surface. Much like my housemate. Also, he's one of the few characters in my universe than can win 99% of fights they're ever in. Just like Josh, you don't want to mess with them when they're angry!
'GHOST' - Finally, Ghost. Based on my friend Sammy. Ghost is the twin sister of my character (who I'll go into shortly) and can 'phase' out of existence. Which is effectively invisibility but, because she's not technically in the physical plane of existence anymore, she can move anywhere within the space while not touching anything. This does come in handy when spying on someone but it also means that Ghost can find out things before anyone else. And, in certain cases, talk to the dead because of the phasing. Sammy was an obvious choice for this character because of our relationship. Ghost is the weirdest character in my universe and she's the weirdest person I know. So, it made total sense. Still, don't piss either of them off. They'll kick your ass and you won't see them coming.
My character is called Speedfreak and he's a speedster. Much like the Flash from DC comics, he can run really fast. Though, differently to the Flash, Speedfreak can actually outrun time itself rather than slow it down. He's also an alien from a planet called Eden. (Ghost is too. Yay for aliens). However, they both grew up on Earth after being evacuated from their homeworld. He's not really good in a fight but his analytical nature can often be his saving grace. He'd also rather give bad people a chance of redemption before taking them down completely. Like me, more or less!
I have awesome friends and I know awesome people. I can't deal with everything alone. So, having this in my friend calms me and makes me feel stronger. And, now that I'm sharing them with people, I can fill the stories out a bit and give them more dimensions. Which for me, as a creative individual, is the best thing I can do. Share what I help with the world in case it helps someone else and enjoy doing it as I do. What could be better!
Feel free to read the stories. I put them up every so often :)
Until next time.
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