And Onto July...

It's a month, but this month is slightly important.

Tomorrow is the 1st July. 7 months into 2016 and I think we can all agree that, in terms of global events, 2016 has been kind of shitty.

At present, 2016's been kind to me. (How long that'll last remains to be seen). But it means that I'm going to continue to hope that 2016 improves for everyone.

But this July is important for two reasons. One of them is important for the world and the other is a personal thing.

The world event is the 100th Anniversary of the Battle Of The Somme. The 1st of July saw the first day of one of the worst battles the world has ever seen. Millions died on all sides and it was basically a massive slaughter. But, given the 100th anniversary just happens to fall 1 week after Britain decided it wished to leave the European Union, I couldn't help but think about the two events in tandem. 100 years ago, our ancestors fought to maintain peace and stability in Europe and last week we took a decision as a country to potentially destabilise it once again.

It's interesting because it raises the question, if the European Union was around in 1914, how would people have reacted?

Admittedly, if the European Union was around in 1914 then it's possible that WWI would never have occurred. Or at least not in the form it did. But given that Europe was divided 100 years ago between two massive power factions (Great Britain/France/Russia vs Germany/Austria-Hungary/Italy), it seems strange that anyone would oppose a united Europe. Now, some might argue that we're at a similar point to 100 years ago where France and Germany dominate the politics in the European Union.

Now, this is a debate for another time. I can't be arsed to go through all the points now. I'll wait until I'm a teacher for that shit.

But my point is this.

We should remember the Somme tomorrow. It's one of the bloodiest battles in history and I haven't seen a lot to commemorate or remember it. It might get mentioned on the news but that'll probably be it. One could argue "how can you remember something as bloody as the Somme" but then someone else could argue "a one minute's silence?"

It seems somewhat disrespectful that we're effectively ignoring that battle as a country, especially as it'll be exactly 7 days since the results of the European Union Referendum showed that we'd rather leave the Union rather than remain and try to reform it from the inside. But then, with so many people saying that they're ashamed to be British given the result, is it a bad thing we're not? Is now really the time to be patriotic and remember the past as we go into a potentially bright shining new future?

And if the motives of the soldiers who spilt their blood in Belgium 100 years ago tomorrow are contrary to the motives behind the potential execution of Article 50, then maybe it's best we forget them just for tomorrow.

I've been to the Somme. Not the battle of course (I'm not that old) but I've been to a particular area of the Somme where a number of Canadian Regiments went over the top. (And because France allowed the Canadians to keep that land and call it their own, technically I've been to Canada). Nowadays, it's covered in grass with walkways that tourists can walk along and statues commemorating the soldiers who died on that piece of land. But it's also got small cemeteries dotted around it too.

Now, I consider myself lucky to have gone to the Somme when I did (it was a school trip in 2010) because a couple of strange things happened during our visit there.

Firstly, the gap between the Canadian and German trenches were STUPIDLY CLOSER THAN PEOPLE THINK. They were absurdly close! You assume it'll be quite far away but, no, they were SO close.

Secondly, it was almost like you could feel the soldiers running around you. It was a very odd sensation it felt like the soldiers were running around us getting ready to go over the top. And that's when we all kind of realised that people our age fought. When you hear it in a classroom it's just a statistic. But when you're actually where they were, you suddenly start to picture yourself in that scenario because people your age were in that situation. It makes it real. You also realise you might be standing on a spot where someone was killed. Or hid. Or waited to go over. It's such a strange emotion when you're there and come to these conclusions. You suddenly feel a connection to the past like you can't get by sitting in a classroom watching a PowerPoint presentation.

So please spare a thought tomorrow. I'm off to Winchester Hat Fair tomorrow and, while it'll seem weird knowing a huge historical event happened 100 years prior but you need to only make a small reflection. Don't let it consume the day!

Meanwhile, in my personal life, I need to find a job.

I have a house.

I'm about to graduate.

I have a number of good incentives to remain in the area where I am (including a certain someone).

All I need now is a job.

And July is the make or break time!

It's also my birthday month. And I have some pretty awesome plans for my birthday week!

But I shan't say. That'd be telling...


Until next time!

The Late June Post Just To Show I Was Still Writing This Blog

Hi.

June happened.

A lot of things happened in June.

In my life and in the world in general.

Although so much happened that I actually haven't had anything worth ranting or writing about this month.

Although I did get a 2:1 in my degree. That's literally I can think to write of.

Until next time.

See ya!

My Worst Fear

To show how vulnerable I am, this is the worst time of my life. Please read this with that in mind.

Yesterday and today, I've been trying to suppress an anxiety attack. Now that I'm back in my bedroom I'm in a prime position to stop trying to suppress it and just let it happen. Because, maybe that way, it will just stop for a while and I can concentrate on the better things. Like tomorrow, where I'm seeing someone who makes me happy and thursday when my final uni exam will be over and I'll have officially finished a degree.

As long as I've had this blog, I've tried very hard to avoid the topic of my anxiety and how it manifests inside of me for two reasons. Firstly, I don't want anyone to think I'm utterly crazy and, secondly, this blog was formed because of the anxiety so I felt it never needed to be said. However, of late, my anxiety has been getting worse. And a few people now have suggested it might be time to go to the doctors again to get it more seriously looked at. Even though I have done in the past and nothing's been done about it.

So maybe by just being honest with myself and writing it down in black and white might make it better short term. Or it could inspire others to share their stories. I don't know to be honest. But let's give it a go anyway.

I've always had social anxiety, I'm on the Autistic Spectrum, it kind of comes with the territory. But the form of anxiety I have is something different. When I start to get anxiety in this way, here's what usually happens to me.

• I become a little bit harder to talk to. I might become more subdued or unintentionally passive aggressive.
• I'll become more isolated. I won't appreciate being touched or any kind of physical contact unless I give complete consent to do it. Or if there's someone in particular I crave a hug from.
• I'll become much harder to reason with. 
• I'll become visibly more paranoid about little things.

This might be normal, I'm not sure. But this is what it does for me. I almost become one step closer to becoming a completely different person. This is nothing new for me however. In fact, it something I've grown sadly used to of late. The joys of having an over-analytical mind.

Although I've only been getting physical anxiety and panic attacks for about a year now, this anxious mindset actually started 3 years ago.

3 years ago, I was not in a good place. I'd left one university and was starting to wonder whether it was the right decision, the wait to go to my current university was also stressing me out, I had a job I hated and left due to bullying, I was in a job that didn't have consistent hours, my friends were going through exams so I didn't have much contact with them and, then, to top it all off, there was a girl I liked. 

The long and short of that story is I liked someone, I was led to believe the feelings were reciprocated but just as I was admitting my feelings to her, the mutual friend who had suggested the feelings were reciprocated admitted that she'd got it wrong and they she did not feel the same way. After realising I'd kind of been accidentally duped, and with everything else that had been going on and my general outlook at that point, I snapped. I broke.

Someone once said to me that if I carried too much of a weight, one day it'll have to give. She was right. June 2013 is a time I don't like to revisit because I felt so shitty, so anxious and so depressed that I did some rather stupid things and made some rather bad decisions. Some of them I nearly didn't come back from. One thing my Mum said to me about that time was she phoned my aunty and told her "I've lost my son, I don't know who he is anymore..." That's how bad it got.

That's when it started. Luckily, I managed to find my lights at the end of the tunnel. The first thing was I resumed my voluntary placement at a local institution. This helped me take my mind off things immensely. The second thing was a song I wrote called 'Molly's Lullaby'. Now, some people ask me now whether it's called that due to the drug 'Molly' that I might've been taking at the time. (I've never taken drugs. I've second hand inhaled once but that's it). It's actually about a dream I had about my future daughter who refused to go to sleep until I sang the song to her. When I woke up, I remembered the music but not the words. So I rewrote them. People seem to like the song so, when you're in that kind of state, it's a good incentive to not do anything stupid. And have a daughter called Molly.

While this is the case, that month in 2013 has affected every aspect of my life since. Because there's a still something left over from then, even now. And this is the bit where it sounds like I might be crazy.

There's no easy way to say it so I'll say it. Sometimes, I can hear my own voice in my head and it says nothing but negative things. It tells me how worthless I am, how certain situations are actually falling apart when it seems apparent they're not and says things about people close to me that try to convince me that they don't actually care and they'd rather I wasn't around.

This is how my anxiety manifests. My own voice saying all these things. It's not loud, it's not even angry, it's just a calm voice telling me everything that's wrong with me and tries to convince me I'm a terrible human being. How I've hurt people when I obviously haven't, looking at past events and making me think the worst and telling me how certain people are lying to me about how they feel about me.

Sometimes, I end up believing it for a short time. But then something will happen to prove it wrong and it goes away for a while.

The voice reappeared yesterday. I'm not going to go into why because it's a very personal issue and I need to work through it myself because I'm 97% sure that what's happening is all in my head and everything's actually fine. However, it's been there since June 2013. It doesn't happen often. It just comes at time of great stress or great happiness. Which sucks. Majorly.

Recently, I've become a lot happier. A few people know why and that's what's annoying. Because I know that if I keep letting it talk me into thinking something's wrong then everyone involved will be caught in the crossfire and, trust me, I do not want this person getting caught up in this. Because, not only do I not want people to see this version of me if I can avoid it, but I have a habit of being somewhat self-destructive in this state and I cannot afford to let anyone see me like that. I'm obviously open to them knowing this is what happens with me but I really don't want them to get caught up in the eye of the storm so to speak.

So that's the Catch-22. There's nothing anyone can really do and then I can't afford the people I care about the most to see me in that state. Because I am ashamed of it. I probably shouldn't be but I am. It's probably because I know more about what happened than I'm prepared to admit on this but it's also because I feel like I shouldn't be having these thoughts. When they come during great stress, that makes more sense. But when I'm happy? That shouldn't be allowed. At present, I'm the happiest I've been in a long time and this has no right to come and spoil it. But the more I refuse to let it, the more intense it gets.

The reason this post is called 'My Worst Fear' is because, above all else, that's what scares me most. The version of me in June 2013. And I'm very scared that one day I'll become that person again. And I really don't want to. But that's the thing. I know that there's always the capacity for that to happen and that's what scares me more than anything. And within that, I'm most scared of losing someone I care about because of this. Which I suppose is always a possible situation that could happen. I sincerely hope it doesn't.

I think it's starting to shut up now that I've explained it on here. But I have no idea for how long that's going to last. Could be a day, could be a month. 

I do have coping strategies but they don't always work. So, this time, this is my latest attempt to help myself. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow's always better, right?

Thank you for watching and if you're going through anything similar, just remember this: You don't need to be controlled by who you were in the past. That version of you is dead and buried. The person you are now is what's important. That's the person to focus on. Not the person you were yesterday.

I know that sounds cliched but I genuinely cannot think of a better way to end this rather heavy reading. 

Hope you all have a lovely rest of your day. I know I'll try to.