Yesterday and today, I've been trying to suppress an anxiety attack. Now that I'm back in my bedroom I'm in a prime position to stop trying to suppress it and just let it happen. Because, maybe that way, it will just stop for a while and I can concentrate on the better things. Like tomorrow, where I'm seeing someone who makes me happy and thursday when my final uni exam will be over and I'll have officially finished a degree.
As long as I've had this blog, I've tried very hard to avoid the topic of my anxiety and how it manifests inside of me for two reasons. Firstly, I don't want anyone to think I'm utterly crazy and, secondly, this blog was formed because of the anxiety so I felt it never needed to be said. However, of late, my anxiety has been getting worse. And a few people now have suggested it might be time to go to the doctors again to get it more seriously looked at. Even though I have done in the past and nothing's been done about it.
So maybe by just being honest with myself and writing it down in black and white might make it better short term. Or it could inspire others to share their stories. I don't know to be honest. But let's give it a go anyway.
I've always had social anxiety, I'm on the Autistic Spectrum, it kind of comes with the territory. But the form of anxiety I have is something different. When I start to get anxiety in this way, here's what usually happens to me.
- I become a little bit harder to talk to. I might become more subdued or unintentionally passive aggressive.
- I'll become more isolated. I won't appreciate being touched or any kind of physical contact unless I give complete consent to do it. Or if there's someone in particular I crave a hug from.
- I'll become much harder to reason with.
- I'll become visibly more paranoid about little things.
This might be normal, I'm not sure. But this is what it does for me. I almost become one step closer to becoming a completely different person. This is nothing new for me however. In fact, it something I've grown sadly used to of late. The joys of having an over-analytical mind.
Although I've only been getting physical anxiety and panic attacks for about a year now, this anxious mindset actually started 3 years ago.
3 years ago, I was not in a good place. I'd left one university and was starting to wonder whether it was the right decision, the wait to go to my current university was also stressing me out, I had a job I hated and left due to bullying, I was in a job that didn't have consistent hours, my friends were going through exams so I didn't have much contact with them and, then, to top it all off, there was a girl I liked.
The long and short of that story is I liked someone, I was led to believe the feelings were reciprocated but just as I was admitting my feelings to her, the mutual friend who had suggested the feelings were reciprocated admitted that she'd got it wrong and they she did not feel the same way. After realising I'd kind of been accidentally duped, and with everything else that had been going on and my general outlook at that point, I snapped. I broke.
Someone once said to me that if I carried too much of a weight, one day it'll have to give. She was right. June 2013 is a time I don't like to revisit because I felt so shitty, so anxious and so depressed that I did some rather stupid things and made some rather bad decisions. Some of them I nearly didn't come back from. One thing my Mum said to me about that time was she phoned my aunty and told her "I've lost my son, I don't know who he is anymore..." That's how bad it got.
That's when it started. Luckily, I managed to find my lights at the end of the tunnel. The first thing was I resumed my voluntary placement at a local institution. This helped me take my mind off things immensely. The second thing was a song I wrote called 'Molly's Lullaby'. Now, some people ask me now whether it's called that due to the drug 'Molly' that I might've been taking at the time. (I've never taken drugs. I've second hand inhaled once but that's it). It's actually about a dream I had about my future daughter who refused to go to sleep until I sang the song to her. When I woke up, I remembered the music but not the words. So I rewrote them. People seem to like the song so, when you're in that kind of state, it's a good incentive to not do anything stupid. And have a daughter called Molly.
While this is the case, that month in 2013 has affected every aspect of my life since. Because there's a still something left over from then, even now. And this is the bit where it sounds like I might be crazy.
There's no easy way to say it so I'll say it. Sometimes, I can hear my own voice in my head and it says nothing but negative things. It tells me how worthless I am, how certain situations are actually falling apart when it seems apparent they're not and says things about people close to me that try to convince me that they don't actually care and they'd rather I wasn't around.
This is how my anxiety manifests. My own voice saying all these things. It's not loud, it's not even angry, it's just a calm voice telling me everything that's wrong with me and tries to convince me I'm a terrible human being. How I've hurt people when I obviously haven't, looking at past events and making me think the worst and telling me how certain people are lying to me about how they feel about me.
Sometimes, I end up believing it for a short time. But then something will happen to prove it wrong and it goes away for a while.
The voice reappeared yesterday. I'm not going to go into why because it's a very personal issue and I need to work through it myself because I'm 97% sure that what's happening is all in my head and everything's actually fine. However, it's been there since June 2013. It doesn't happen often. It just comes at time of great stress or great happiness. Which sucks. Majorly.
Recently, I've become a lot happier. A few people know why and that's what's annoying. Because I know that if I keep letting it talk me into thinking something's wrong then everyone involved will be caught in the crossfire and, trust me, I do not want this person getting caught up in this. Because, not only do I not want people to see this version of me if I can avoid it, but I have a habit of being somewhat self-destructive in this state and I cannot afford to let anyone see me like that. I'm obviously open to them knowing this is what happens with me but I really don't want them to get caught up in the eye of the storm so to speak.
So that's the Catch-22. There's nothing anyone can really do and then I can't afford the people I care about the most to see me in that state. Because I am ashamed of it. I probably shouldn't be but I am. It's probably because I know more about what happened than I'm prepared to admit on this but it's also because I feel like I shouldn't be having these thoughts. When they come during great stress, that makes more sense. But when I'm happy? That shouldn't be allowed. At present, I'm the happiest I've been in a long time and this has no right to come and spoil it. But the more I refuse to let it, the more intense it gets.
The reason this post is called 'My Worst Fear' is because, above all else, that's what scares me most. The version of me in June 2013. And I'm very scared that one day I'll become that person again. And I really don't want to. But that's the thing. I know that there's always the capacity for that to happen and that's what scares me more than anything. And within that, I'm most scared of losing someone I care about because of this. Which I suppose is always a possible situation that could happen. I sincerely hope it doesn't.
I think it's starting to shut up now that I've explained it on here. But I have no idea for how long that's going to last. Could be a day, could be a month.
I do have coping strategies but they don't always work. So, this time, this is my latest attempt to help myself. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow's always better, right?
Thank you for watching and if you're going through anything similar, just remember this: You don't need to be controlled by who you were in the past. That version of you is dead and buried. The person you are now is what's important. That's the person to focus on. Not the person you were yesterday.
I know that sounds cliched but I genuinely cannot think of a better way to end this rather heavy reading.
Hope you all have a lovely rest of your day. I know I'll try to.
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