For those of you who don't know, I've been signed off work for over a month now due to recurrent stress and anxiety. I'm due back at work next week but, while some improvement has been made, I still don't feel up to going. I'm having multiple anxiety attacks most days and, sometimes, it can be crippling. Sometimes, they can last most of the day. Unfortunately, I'm also a hypochondriac. So when my heart rate increases, my brain thinks I'm having a heart attack and the cycle begins again.
While I've been off, I've tried various things to try and calm myself down. I've written most of an experimental album based on my feelings at the moment. I've tried to take walks and I've tried various calming techniques to try and combat it. Nothing seems to work all the time. So I'm having to try a mix and match of various things. Which isn't overly helpful but that's what I've got to work with.
Earlier this week, I decided that perhaps a change of scenery was needed. Just a day where I could leave familiarity behind and just get lost in a change. So, I chose London. I love visiting London, it has a lot of things to do and, frankly, it's not that hard to walk around. A bustling city full of distraction sounded like just what the doctor ordered. And, while I certainly felt better for it, my heart rate did increase in the afternoon and multiple anxiety attacks did occur. Never mind.
You can't win them all.
My day started on the Southbank. A building development opposite London Waterloo was completed so a walkway down to the river bank was ready to use. And what a lovely morning it turned out to be. The London Eye was bustling with tourists but the Southbank itself was largely quiet. I didn't want to stay here too long but it was a nice way to reintroduce myself to London. I hadn't been for well over a year and a half so it was nice to reacquaint.
A walk along Westminster Bridge raised a slightly dark memory, however. Along the pavement now is a metal railing, separating the pavement and the road. It took me a moment to realise that this was because of the Westminster Bridge attack 2 years previously and was placed to prevent such an event from happening again. (Similar infrastructure was visible around a lot of Central London for terror prevention).Now on the North Bank of the Thames, my first destination was the area around the Houses of Parliament, where I knew a lot of Brexit related stuff was going to be going on.
And I wasn't disappointed.
The first person I spoke to in London that day was a German gentleman who, at first, asked me which part of the Houses of Parliament we were looking at. Apart from the scaffolded Elizabeth Tower, I wasn't at all sure but I still jokingly suggested he took a picture of it in case it all comes crashing down in the inevitable post-Brexit collapse of British society. He then asked me where Downing Street was. I directed him to the best of my memory and then, he asked my permission to ask a personal question.
"Can I ask what your view on Brexit is?"
Realistically, no-one's ever really asked me that. And, luckily, I'm not annoyed by this kind of questioning. So, I told him. That I voted Remain in 2016 (but I wasn't a die-hard Remainer, nor am I still) and that, when the result came through, I was wanting us to make the best of, what I perceived to be, a bad situation. I also explained that I felt that the actions of Parliament this week, in relation to another extension and further scrutiny of Boris Johnson's proposals, was a positive thing. Even though I appreciate it probably annoys large swathes of the populous.
The gentleman went on to explain that he was a German of Turkish descent and was a banker. And he felt that it would be better for Britain and Europe to Remain, but he respected Britain's decision. He was explaining to me that, seeing as the financial sector in London is important to the European Union, it was expected that either Paris or Frankfurt would take London's role upon our departure. When I asked whether or not this was a positive thing for Germany, his answer surprised me.
"No. We'd much rather Britain remained the financial hub of Europe. We'll make it work but we'd love Britain to stay".
Around us were people waving all sorts of banners, placards and flags. And, close to us, was a lady with a 'Brexit Now!' placard. The gentleman's wife (I presume) wasn't overly sure what was going on. So, with no sense of irony, went up to the lady with the 'Brexit Now!' placard and said "Yay, remain!" Upon further inspection, her husband and I realised that she had gotten confused about who was who in this plethora of people. She thought that the people with the EU flags were Leavers and that the people with pro-Brexit placards were Remainers. (Not entirely sure how she arrived at this conclusion but who am I to judge). I explained to her who was who and all was forgiven. The lady carrying the placard found this quite amusing and made no effort to demean the wife for her mistake, which I felt was nice given most pro-Brexiteers you see on television are very vocal and ready to defend their beliefs. (Mind you, this was the real world and not BBC News).
However, I did find it amusing when the gentleman took this lady by the hand and begged her for Britain to stay. They then had a conversation in fluent German about this. Again, the lady was perfectly amicable, which I was glad about. The last thing I wanted this German couple to go home thinking was "Diese Engländer sind sehr unhöflich!"
After a few minutes of conversation, the German couple thanked us, wished us well and departed, leaving the placard lady and I alone. It was in this instance, I sensed an opportunity. But I was wary. Letting foreigners off the hook was one thing, what about a question on Brexit from a fellow Brit?
"Can I ask, when you voted to Leave, what exactly did you vote for? No deal or a deal or some other arrangement?"
Given this had been a topic of discussion of late, it seemed prudent to ask someone now.
"Oh, I don't care about a deal!" she went on to say. She then spent the next five minutes explaining to me why she voted leave. She explained how she used to work in telecommunications and had a company that was responsible for supplying communications equipment for European Space Agency satellites that ultimately got launched. She then explained how, in her experience, the EU had ruined the science sector on the continent and then went on, with no segue, to talk about VAT. After that, I kind of lost her. Not because I was disinterested, far from it, but because she was talking at 100mph and I genuinely couldn't keep up.
A walk around the statues of Westminster was the next order of the day. Realistically, I only wanted to see two statues. And I wasn't disappointed. Nelson Mandela is my historical and political hero, so to see his statue was incredibly humbling. But, my real desire, led me three statues to the left of Nelson. (Sorry, Madiba). The newest statue on that green. The statue of Suffragist, Millicent Fawcett.
I'd seen the unveiling of this statue on the news but it was lovely to see it up close. On the base of the statue were pictures of other prominent suffragists and suffragettes. I'm going to be honest, I didn't know many. The only ones I did know (apart from Fawcett) were Emmeline Pankhurst and Emily Wilding Davison. I studied the Women's Suffrage Movement in GCSE and A-Level history but it seemed there was a huge gap in my knowledge when it came to actual women at that time.
And reading the banner she was holding, it seemed particularly ironic to me given what's happening in this country now. Parliamentarians are often referred to as cowards or traitors for their views on Brexit. But, I suppose, in one way, it's courageous what they're doing.
Just as a disclaimer, I'm not saying this for all MPs. There are genuinely some who I believe lack conviction. Those who are Leavers, or those who are determined to Leave despite voting Remain themselves, are having the courage and conviction to stand by their principles. On the flipside, there are people who voted Remain who have the courage to still make sure either an orderly Brexit happens or even having the courage to dare speak out and talk about over-turning it. I'm not making a judgement here on who's right or wrong, but I think to have the courage to speak against the tide is an admirable quality. Whether you agree with that conviction or not.
I pondered this as I decided to walk through Whitehall and rest at Trafalgar Square. However, before I departed Parliament for the moment, three things caught my attention.
The first was a permanent memorial to PC Keith Palmer, who died in the line of duty during the Westminster Bridge attack. I had no idea this existed so it was truly humbling to pay tribute to this man and to see that, even now, people still leave flowers and messages of thanks and good wishes for him.
The second thing, just around the tight corner from the memorial, was a man selling toilet paper. But not just any toilet paper. Oh, no. 2 ply Donald Trump toilet paper.
"I'll bet none of you have Donald Trump toilet paper at home! You can give it as a gift or you can use it!"
The third thing actually came from my about to ask him why he hadn't called the product 'Donald Dump'. I would've achieved this objective if a man on a bike hadn't decided to block my path to the vendor in the hope he could clear the gap before I moved. And, with a slightly dirty and tired look on his face, he looked at me for a moment and then went on his way. I just smiled at him before he left.
This man, as it happens, was Jeremy Hunt MP.
In Part Two: I'll discuss how I finally discovered how they film the news, my journey around the Queen's supermarket and how I nearly went to Abbey Road, but it wasn't to be.
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