My Worst Fear

To show how vulnerable I am, this is the worst time of my life. Please read this with that in mind.

Yesterday and today, I've been trying to suppress an anxiety attack. Now that I'm back in my bedroom I'm in a prime position to stop trying to suppress it and just let it happen. Because, maybe that way, it will just stop for a while and I can concentrate on the better things. Like tomorrow, where I'm seeing someone who makes me happy and thursday when my final uni exam will be over and I'll have officially finished a degree.

As long as I've had this blog, I've tried very hard to avoid the topic of my anxiety and how it manifests inside of me for two reasons. Firstly, I don't want anyone to think I'm utterly crazy and, secondly, this blog was formed because of the anxiety so I felt it never needed to be said. However, of late, my anxiety has been getting worse. And a few people now have suggested it might be time to go to the doctors again to get it more seriously looked at. Even though I have done in the past and nothing's been done about it.

So maybe by just being honest with myself and writing it down in black and white might make it better short term. Or it could inspire others to share their stories. I don't know to be honest. But let's give it a go anyway.

I've always had social anxiety, I'm on the Autistic Spectrum, it kind of comes with the territory. But the form of anxiety I have is something different. When I start to get anxiety in this way, here's what usually happens to me.

• I become a little bit harder to talk to. I might become more subdued or unintentionally passive aggressive.
• I'll become more isolated. I won't appreciate being touched or any kind of physical contact unless I give complete consent to do it. Or if there's someone in particular I crave a hug from.
• I'll become much harder to reason with. 
• I'll become visibly more paranoid about little things.

This might be normal, I'm not sure. But this is what it does for me. I almost become one step closer to becoming a completely different person. This is nothing new for me however. In fact, it something I've grown sadly used to of late. The joys of having an over-analytical mind.

Although I've only been getting physical anxiety and panic attacks for about a year now, this anxious mindset actually started 3 years ago.

3 years ago, I was not in a good place. I'd left one university and was starting to wonder whether it was the right decision, the wait to go to my current university was also stressing me out, I had a job I hated and left due to bullying, I was in a job that didn't have consistent hours, my friends were going through exams so I didn't have much contact with them and, then, to top it all off, there was a girl I liked. 

The long and short of that story is I liked someone, I was led to believe the feelings were reciprocated but just as I was admitting my feelings to her, the mutual friend who had suggested the feelings were reciprocated admitted that she'd got it wrong and they she did not feel the same way. After realising I'd kind of been accidentally duped, and with everything else that had been going on and my general outlook at that point, I snapped. I broke.

Someone once said to me that if I carried too much of a weight, one day it'll have to give. She was right. June 2013 is a time I don't like to revisit because I felt so shitty, so anxious and so depressed that I did some rather stupid things and made some rather bad decisions. Some of them I nearly didn't come back from. One thing my Mum said to me about that time was she phoned my aunty and told her "I've lost my son, I don't know who he is anymore..." That's how bad it got.

That's when it started. Luckily, I managed to find my lights at the end of the tunnel. The first thing was I resumed my voluntary placement at a local institution. This helped me take my mind off things immensely. The second thing was a song I wrote called 'Molly's Lullaby'. Now, some people ask me now whether it's called that due to the drug 'Molly' that I might've been taking at the time. (I've never taken drugs. I've second hand inhaled once but that's it). It's actually about a dream I had about my future daughter who refused to go to sleep until I sang the song to her. When I woke up, I remembered the music but not the words. So I rewrote them. People seem to like the song so, when you're in that kind of state, it's a good incentive to not do anything stupid. And have a daughter called Molly.

While this is the case, that month in 2013 has affected every aspect of my life since. Because there's a still something left over from then, even now. And this is the bit where it sounds like I might be crazy.

There's no easy way to say it so I'll say it. Sometimes, I can hear my own voice in my head and it says nothing but negative things. It tells me how worthless I am, how certain situations are actually falling apart when it seems apparent they're not and says things about people close to me that try to convince me that they don't actually care and they'd rather I wasn't around.

This is how my anxiety manifests. My own voice saying all these things. It's not loud, it's not even angry, it's just a calm voice telling me everything that's wrong with me and tries to convince me I'm a terrible human being. How I've hurt people when I obviously haven't, looking at past events and making me think the worst and telling me how certain people are lying to me about how they feel about me.

Sometimes, I end up believing it for a short time. But then something will happen to prove it wrong and it goes away for a while.

The voice reappeared yesterday. I'm not going to go into why because it's a very personal issue and I need to work through it myself because I'm 97% sure that what's happening is all in my head and everything's actually fine. However, it's been there since June 2013. It doesn't happen often. It just comes at time of great stress or great happiness. Which sucks. Majorly.

Recently, I've become a lot happier. A few people know why and that's what's annoying. Because I know that if I keep letting it talk me into thinking something's wrong then everyone involved will be caught in the crossfire and, trust me, I do not want this person getting caught up in this. Because, not only do I not want people to see this version of me if I can avoid it, but I have a habit of being somewhat self-destructive in this state and I cannot afford to let anyone see me like that. I'm obviously open to them knowing this is what happens with me but I really don't want them to get caught up in the eye of the storm so to speak.

So that's the Catch-22. There's nothing anyone can really do and then I can't afford the people I care about the most to see me in that state. Because I am ashamed of it. I probably shouldn't be but I am. It's probably because I know more about what happened than I'm prepared to admit on this but it's also because I feel like I shouldn't be having these thoughts. When they come during great stress, that makes more sense. But when I'm happy? That shouldn't be allowed. At present, I'm the happiest I've been in a long time and this has no right to come and spoil it. But the more I refuse to let it, the more intense it gets.

The reason this post is called 'My Worst Fear' is because, above all else, that's what scares me most. The version of me in June 2013. And I'm very scared that one day I'll become that person again. And I really don't want to. But that's the thing. I know that there's always the capacity for that to happen and that's what scares me more than anything. And within that, I'm most scared of losing someone I care about because of this. Which I suppose is always a possible situation that could happen. I sincerely hope it doesn't.

I think it's starting to shut up now that I've explained it on here. But I have no idea for how long that's going to last. Could be a day, could be a month. 

I do have coping strategies but they don't always work. So, this time, this is my latest attempt to help myself. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow's always better, right?

Thank you for watching and if you're going through anything similar, just remember this: You don't need to be controlled by who you were in the past. That version of you is dead and buried. The person you are now is what's important. That's the person to focus on. Not the person you were yesterday.

I know that sounds cliched but I genuinely cannot think of a better way to end this rather heavy reading. 

Hope you all have a lovely rest of your day. I know I'll try to.

Anti-Vaxxers, Prejudice and the Diversity of the Autistic Spectrum

I've been waiting some time to take on Anti-Vaxxers.

In March 2015, I wrote quite a scathing post called 'Autistic Spectrum Disorders and the Battle of Egos' which chronicled my experiences with different ASD groups on Facebook and the like and how politicized some people on these groups make Autism when it really shouldn't be. You can read it here if you so wish: http://joshuaframptonwritersblock.blogspot.co.uk/2015/03/autistic-spectrum-disorders-and-battle.html

Since then, I haven't really had much to do with these groups as I got frankly sick of the infighting. Especially when there's much bigger fish to fry in the world of Autism and in general. That said, that doesn't mean I don't entirely disagree with everything they say. And I find myself, as I get older, that I'm starting to see their point of view.

Of late, I've heard a number of stories coming from New Zealand about people being discriminated against, in part, because they have a form of Autism. Now, I haven't done enough research into the state of Autism in New Zealand in order to form a proper criticism, So, if these stories are as widespread as it appears to be, then that's a huge problem.

April was Autism Awareness Month and it appears that, this year, some people didn't get the memo or the point of it. If what the stories coming out of New Zealand suggest are true then that's one problem, but then you get some idiots like 50 Cent who belittled someone because he thought they were on drugs. Now, it seems he didn't know this young man had ASD but, even so, you don't just go up to someone and point something like that out, ASD or Neurotypical, that isn't right. (The fact he donated money to Autism Speaks in order to try and repair his mistake is a different blog for a later date).

Recently, a friend of mine who is LGBT+, said to me recently in a fit of rage:

"You don't know what it's like to be a member of an oppressed group constantly out to get you".

Not strictly true, generally speaking.

Now, while I admit I've often been called 'gay' or 'queer' because of the way I act, I've never been persecuted for my pansexuality. But I have, in the past, been the victim of bullying and prejudice because of my Aspergers. So I have some idea. Especially when you look at what happens to some people with ASD across the world.

In the UK, we're comparatively lucky that the worst that people with ASD will face in everyday life is bullying like I went through. (I know that sounds strange but hear me out). Obviously, I don't want anyone to be persecuted for anything about them but it does happen. Numerous times I've been told I need to be 'cured', that I'm a 'zombie' and that I'm a 'fucked up robot' to name but a few. But when I see children in America being subjected to CHLORINE ENEMAS in order to 'cure' them of their Autism, I kind of feel like I got off easy. Because, even though growing up with ASD is hard, my mum had the wonderful sense not to shove a chemical stick up my arse and traumatise me further.

And anti-vaxxers. OH ANTI-VAXXERS. The people, now with some celebrity backers (here's looking at you Robert DeNiro), who like to claim and maintain (despite MULTIPLE scientific papers to the contrary) that vaccines such as MMR and others 'cause' Autism. And they refuse to get their children vaccinated against horrible diseases such as measles and others in case they 'contract' Autism from the jabs.

Are you fucking kidding me?

This annoys me on 2 fundamental levels.

One of them is the blaringly obvious: Autism is not caused by vaccines. Because diseases are contracted. And Autism is not a disease.

Secondly, I've come to the conclusion as I get much older and grumpy (as a particular person in my life makes no secret of reminding me) that if you are a parent who will not vaccinate their child against really horrible and sometimes deadly diseases in case they 'contract' Autism, then you are a terrible parent.

Because, at the most basic of levels, you are basically saying you would rather your child die than have Autism. And what kind of message does that send out? And how distorted is your view of Autism in order to bring you to that conclusion!?

When was the last time you heard someone say "Oh, it's awful, Jerry's in hospital again for his Autism" or, "Oh, what's Jenny being treated for today?" "Autism". I don't believe you have.

It, and you, are ridiculous.

But, as with everything related to prejudice, it comes down to a lack of education about Autism and Autistic Spectrum Disorders. Most people tend to get their knowledge of things either from school, television or the internet these days. And, for the most part, it's only the extremes of things that get pointed out in this.

In school; I was outed as having Aspergers after we started reading 'The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Night-Time' by Mark Haddon, and one particular classmate of mine pointed out some similarities between myself and the main character, Christopher.

On television; you see shows like The A Word or The Big Bang Theory take on ASD and films such as Rain Man (as a side note, I adore Dustin Hoffman's portrayal in that film) presenting one view of ASD. And most people probably assume that most people Autism or ASD are like Rain Man. But this isn't the case.

There's a reason it's called the Autistic Spectrum. It's not the Autistic Deadlock or something! It's a spectrum with many wonderful individuals in them. Here are some famous/popular examples.

- Dr Temple Grandin (one of my personal heroes). She has Autism and, after spending some time on her aunt's farm, designed a device that would allow people with Autism to have hugs but without the stress of human contact. (Typical to 1950s/1960s America, her initial prototypes were destroyed by her university because they were under the impression it was a device for sexual purposes. I mean, I know it wasn't but god forbid a woman has a sex life!) Since then, she has made many significant contributions to the understanding and research of Autism. If I get to meet Temple Grandin one day, I will die a happy man.

- Carly Fleischmann. A 21 year old female who has ASD, is non-verbal and is slowly becoming one of my favourite people on Planet Earth. However, she has recently become recognised across social media for her contributions to the understanding of Autism and, specifically, females with Autism. She has her own website called 'Carly's Voice' (which you can find here: http://carlysvoice.com/home/ ). Not only has she become fairly popular on social media, she's also become the envy of many women after she snagged the chance to interview Hollywood dream Channing Tatum. (If you get the chance to watch the interview, do. It's hilarious!)

- Dan Ackroyd. Actor who is famously in Ghostbusters.Yup. He's Autistic!

- Chris Packham. Presenter and Naturist. Most famous for hosting Springwatch. Yup. He was diagnosed with Aspergers in his 20s.

The truth is, there's no uniform thing for Autism. Even the signs and symptoms of ASD can fluctuate. And its severity can fluctuate too. I have Aspergers and I'm a complete nutter who doesn't really have a stop button (although I'm starting to realise with help that I might do after all) yet I also a know a wonderful young man who is non-verbal but continually makes me cry with the insight that he has about the world.

I've been very lucky recently in the fact I've been able to meet more people with ASD and really explore the diversity of the very thing I myself have grown up with. All of them are wonderful and unique. One or two of them have even challenged everything I thought I knew about certain aspects of ASD too. Not only that, I have someone in New Zealand with ASD who I also consider to be a good friend, one of my best for all intents and purposes.

So when I spend time with these people, I can't help but think of anti-vaxxers and think how bat-shit crazy they are. And why their logic is completely messed up. If their argument was about the chemicals and potential toxins in some vaccines then that'd be fair. But it's not just that with a large proportion of them.

I can't believe I have to say this time and time again.

Autism is NOT a disease. It is NOT curable and it is NOT something that can be washed away. When I was younger, I'd have given anything to be rid of my Aspergers. But I can't. And now I don't want to. In the words of someone I used to work with:

"If I didn't have my ASD I wouldn't be interesting. And, let's face it Josh, normal people are boring!"

Enough said.

So what does that mean about the politics of Autism? Well, it should not be politicized. It shouldn't be politicized at all. But sadly some people are making it political. So what's the solution? Take on the people making it political and prevent it from moving forward as such. No one would accept the politicization of bipolar, schizophrenia or others the way Autism appears to be becoming politicized. So why stand by and let Autism suffer that fate? It doesn't even have to be a radical approach. Just become aware of Autism, learn to accept Autism for what it is and the people who have it and just leave us be. We don't want prejudice, no one does. So why give it?

Anyway, until next time.