Me.

I write blog posts about me an awful lot. I write a lot of banal crap that no one really wants to read. Because, what's so interesting about my favourite music or my favourite TV show? Or my political views? Not a lot. A personal revelation or a personal story where you've learnt some kind of important lesson? That's more what people want to hear about. I've done that before in a way. I've mentioned various aspects of my life that hold some meaning. Like Hazel for example. Hazel was a very important part of my life for some time and the fact I've been unable to find her is somewhat disheartening. But my life isn't just about finding old friends.

My life is...more. My life is so much more. And, over the last month or so I've really been evaluating what my life is. What I've done and where I am now. What I've become and who I want to be in the future. How I arrived at the now and how I want to go to the then. These are all questions that I've been struggling to grapple with. But, I think it's this weekend that's really cemented a lot of things for me in my own mind.

So, if it's ok, I'm going to tell you about me. Not everything, mind. But enough for you to know who I am. So here goes. And, please bear in mind, a lot of this is very hard for me to admit.

My name is Joshua. I am 21 years old and I'm a 3rd year politics student at the University of Winchester. I have a form of Autism called Asperger's Syndrome. I was diagnosed with that when I was 7 years old and, while I've had a lifetime to get used to it and adapt, I'm still outwardly autistic. 

When I was younger; I wanted to be a teacher. When I was 19, this was shaken due to a number of proposals that the Government were bringing in and I decided I didn't want to do that anymore. Now, it's looking like a realistic possibility again. However, at various points, I've wanted to be a Doctor, an actor, a rock star, a pilot, a politician, a charity worker abroad, a counter-terrorism officer, a policeman and, for one odd day in year 7, Jewish.

But where I am now is important. When I was 18, I decided I was going to live by my own rules. My own ethical code. Throw caution to the wind and do what I want when I wanted. By all accounts, this has failed and has done me more harm than good. Not to mention the people around me. 

I now suffer from panic attacks from time to time and I'm not a hypochondriac. I get panic attacks mainly because I'm a very sentimental person and I have a massive guilt complex. So, if I think I've done something wrong, it keeps coming up to remind me. Like a bad penny. I'll be having a great day and then it'll bring up a painful memory and completely ruin it. Luck of the draw I suppose.

I've also become slightly more intolerant since I decided to live by my own code. Not racially intolerant but, if people didn't agree with me, they were automatically wrong. I allowed some wriggle room for things like religion and politics but even then, that had a limit. I also became tired of people telling me what I can and can't do. I did that usual young person thing of 'I know best, fuck everyone else'. In June 2013, I had a bit of a bad time and took a lot of anger out on a lot of people that didn't deserve it. I even scared my own mum which I'm definitely not proud of now. She commented to my aunty that I wasn't her son anymore. Which hurt but was instrumental in bringing me back round.

Despite this, I've tried to be a good person all of my life. I've always tried to be there for people. To help them. To put them before me. But, the truth is, since I took up my own code, I've been the opposite. I've been selfish. Only helping people if I have an interest in it and been less tolerant of peoples problems and making a lot of them about me. Which is wrong. And, a lot of times, I didn't care what the outcome would be of my involvement in an issue. 

I also have a bad anger problem. Although I would never attack anyone when I'm angry, I did lash out at a lot of inanimate objects. I have a horrible temper. It scares people. And, when I'm in that phase, I don't care what gets damaged and for how long.

A lot of bad things have come out of me living by this code. But, admittedly, there have been good things too.

Last year, I put my ill-feelings towards my father aside and met him for the first time. We get on really well now and I see him and my step-mum whenever I'm home for a prolonged period. I see this as a positive because a lot of anger has been let go.

I also have a wonderful friendship group that have stuck by me despite my being this monster by all accounts. I've even made wonderful new friends at university.

The truth is, this is me. I've reached this point and now I realise how much of a stupid, idiotic and terrifying monster I've become. If you met me, you may not think it. But if you truly knew me you'd know that this was true and made total sense. But, after a LOT of soul-searching, I recognise this. I know where and when it started and I know what I'm going to about me.

It all started in 2011. And, as with everything, there was a girl involved. When I first met this girl, everything but her went out of focus and I fell for her the moment we met. She literally took my breath away and I'll never forget that feeling. After months of talking and meeting up, I professed my feelings for her and she told me she felt the same for me. But we had to go on a date first. Just to be sure. 

We went on the date and it went really well. We kissed for the first and last time. But we knew it wasn't easy. We didn't live close to each other and didn't see each other all the time but we did try. But, after a while, I suggested we take a break. Due to distance and the amount of work we both had, it made sense. We agreed to review things when the exams at the time were over. (We were both in Year 13 at this point). 

2 weeks later, I started going out with someone else. 

At the time, it felt right. It felt like it was the right thing but then it always does doesn't it. Being older and having the benefit of hindsight, I shouldn't have done it. Considering how I felt for this girl in the first place. I hadn't felt that way about anyone before and I haven't since. She was amazing. Caring, funny and amazing. The best thing that had happened to me in a long time. Possibly ever and I screwed up that chance.

Well, as you might expect, she made it very clear she didn't want to speak to me or see me ever again. This is what started it. This descent. This anger. Originally, I thought I was angry at her for reacting that way. But, in reality, I was angry with myself. All this time I've been angry with myself.

I've spent the last 3 years trying to forget her but, until now, she'd keep popping up in my mind every so often and I never knew why. But now I do.

My sub-conscious brings her up every so often to remind me of the stupidity and hurt I caused. And how I should strive not to cause that amount of hurt again. No-one else I have romantic ties with should have to feel the way she felt.

Well, that's gone very well so far! Not. But now that I realise this I can work on it. I can strive to make sure this gets followed. Because, part of my Autism dictates that I don't like hurting people. And any hurt I cause someone reflects onto me twice as hard due to my empathy. I hate feeling like that. So it gives me an incentive not to do that to anyone else.

Despite this, though, it's too late for some things. I've been reckless with many things and I have hurt people since then. I'm not going to go into how because it hurts to. But I have. Friends, romantic relations and family. I've said things, done things, that have upset people. Well, no more.

Now I see what I've become I can strive to change this. So, here's me recognising who I am right now.

I'm a bitter person because of the actions I've made in my past. But, instead of taking responsibility for my actions like I should've done, I blamed the rest of the world. I got angry at everyone else as well as myself. But, not thinking I'd done anything wrong, took it out on anyone else. And it's now got to the point where I feel I've done so many things wrong, I don't deserve to be happy. And maybe, that's why I do half of what I do. Because I'm afraid of feeling happy as I feel I don't deserve to be.

But now I take responsibility. I'm taking back control of my mess of a person and I'm rebooting. Regenerating.

I'm going to make things right. It's too late to make the past right but I can take control of who I'm going to be next. Where I'm going to be and how I'm going to get there.

If I could go back into the past and change what happened with that girl, I would. Without a second's hesitation. However, I can't. I would give anything to tell her how sorry I am and how much of an idiot I was but I can't. I can, however, do the next best thing. And make sure that history does not repeat itself.

I've found a new set of guidelines to live by. I'm not going to go into what they are as I don't want to draw attention to what I'm doing in that regard. Let's just say, if you know me, it's come from an unlikely source.

So, if you're reading this and I've done something to hurt or upset you in the past 3 years, I'm so sorry. I cannot apologise enough. But I promise I'm trying to be better than the guy before. I'm trying to be a better man than him. There will be teething troubles but please stick with it. I promise I'm not a completely hopeless case. I'm just hopeless in general!

Events over the past few months have taught me that I can't afford to be a bitter person anymore and that I need to let go of what's past and focus on the now. The past can serve as a reminder but it's time I stopped being ruled by what I did before now. Because I'm not the same person today as I was yesterday. Because the past makes you bitter. And, as I've learnt, being bitter gets you nowhere.

Thank you for letting me put this on the page. But I needed an outlet to put it all out there.

My name is Joshua. I am 21 years old and I'm a 3rd year politics student at the University of Winchester. And, today, I think I've finally vanquished the demons that have been haunting me for 4 years. The person I've been for the past 3 years is not who I really am. And the man I am right now is. And I much prefer him to the previous me...

Tracks Of My Years

Gather round, children...

Every week on the British radio station, BBC Radio 2, the wonderful presenter Ken Bruce invites musicians from all genres to come in and choose 10 tracks that stuck out for them most or influenced them in a certain way.

So, I got bored. I decided to do it myself. I'm a musician (semi-retired) but it's been fun to get nostalgic and look back over the music that's affected me in my 21 years and 5 months on this planet.

So, here goes!

Shaggy - 'It Wasn't Me' (feat. RikRok)

When I was about 6, my Mum got me a copy of Smash Hits Magazine which, back in those days, had a free VHS tape on it which featured a number of music videos. I remember putting it on the TV the moment I got it and putting it on repeat. But the reason this song sticks out is because it was the first music video to come on the VHS. Other videos on it included Gorillaz' 'Clint Eastwood' and A1's 'Take On Me' among others but I just remember loving the song and Shaggy's Jamaican vocals on it, despite not understanding what the song was about. It's stuck with me ever since and it's obviously a song most of my generation love as well. (Go 90s Kids!) I was recently at an Enter Shikari concert in Bristol and the song came on the PA speakers while we were waiting for them to come on and everyone started singing along to it. (Myself and my compadre included). It's a crap song in the grand scheme of things but, hey, it's fun. Who sung it? It's wasn't me...

Eddy Grant - 'Electric Avenue'

I was about 6 when I first heard this song and I think, if memory serves, it was on a commercial in the UK around that time. Similarly to It Wasn't Me, Grant's voice is very distinctive in the track and that's probably why I latched on to it. But this song holds another lovely connotation for me. At the time, I went to a school in my hometown that required me to get a bus across town and I was very fortunate to share that journey with my oldest friend, Joe. Who also liked the song. I remember singing it with him most mornings on the way to school just because we could and I everytime I hear that song I just remember the two of us as 7 year olds singing it as loud as we could on that bus. Considering it was only a 5 minute journey from Joe's stop, it certainly made the time pass quickly.

Queen - 'Bohemian Rhapsody'

To anyone who's read my previous blogs or who knows me very well, you'll know that Queen are my all-time favourite band. So this seems like an obvious choice. But there's a reason. I first heard this song knowingly when I was 7 years old when it came on the radio. (Which was called 'Vale FM' back then with the immortal Cameron Smith as DJ). At that time, I was very much a pop-loving kid. Steps, S Club 7 and similar bands like that were my main loves. So when I heard BoRap for the first time, that's when everything changed. It wasn't like anything I'd ever heard before and I remember being very confused as it felt like a lot of information was going in my head at one time. But, given my head has always been slightly quirky and chaotic (maybe due to my Aspergers), it fitted perfectly. I loved it the moment that I heard it. I was 12 when I managed to get Queen's Greatest Hits 1 for the first time and I remember being ecstatic because it means I could have it on...yes...repeat. To this day, it remains one of the few songs that can cheer me up regardless of my mood. Still miss Freddie...

Amy Winehouse - 'Back To Black'

When this song first came out, I didn't listen to it. Mainly because I knew that Amy Winehouse was a notorious drug addict so I automatically didn't listen to it. However, when I eventually did, I fell in love with it. Because Amy genuinely has one of the best voices on a woman I've ever heard. She had so much soul and so much passion that it was such a shame that her addiction took her in the end. I was in Year 7 when this came out so it seemed very adult compared to what I listened to before so that was magical for me. I'm not going to deny I've grown a much better appreciation for the song and Amy herself as I've grown older. If I'm honest, I much prefer 'Tears Dry On Their Own' and her version of 'Love Is A Losing Game' as I personally it shows off her voice more but this is the first song from her I heard so it holds a special place too. I also remember the day she died too. I was with some friends when we found out and we were all rather broken up about it.

Muse - 'Supermassive Black Hole'

My second favourite band of all time. Yet another act which I hated when I first heard them. I remember my friend Ben bringing Black Holes & Revelations into the car for us to listen to on the way to school in 2007 and absolutely hating it. But it wasn't until 2009 that I really got into them more. Ben was teaching me guitar at the time and I asked him to teach me Supermassive Black Hole but he never got round to it. So I managed to learn it myself and it became the first song I ever taught myself on guitar with tab. (I can't read tab that well so it was quite an achievement for me to do it. Still is). I still play it sometimes to this day when I'm really, really bored. My love Muse has also caused many conflicts in my own musical life. My obsession with them led me to try and write more electronically based songs for our band which didn't work too well. The lead guitarist in the band I was in, Tom, hates Muse as well so got very funny when I played it at practise. We're not in a band together anymore and he still gets funny when I play it. He also begrudgingly learnt 'Hysteria' at the time so that our bassist at the time, Rachel, could have the limelight for a little bit.  

The Feeling - 'I Thought It Was Over'

I consider myself very lucky that most of my formative years went through a period of musical transition. Pop songs were starting to dominate the charts more than ever before and rock music was started to be driven underground more each year of the 00s. However, in the mid-00s, there was an oasis of a mixture between the two that took the mainstream for a time. Bands like Kaiser Chiefs, Razoright, The Fray and The Feeling were bands who had a rock influence but translated into the pop genre as well, causing the two to meld. For me, The Feeling were the best band in this period and remain one of my all time favourite bands. And while I loved their first album, their song 'I Thought It Was Over' stood out for me the most. Their second album was very odd because it appeared that they were trying to emulate Queen a bit more which automatically sat well with me but it was just more jolly than any other previous release I felt. I was lucky to see The Feeling live in Cardiff in 2011 and they played this. I was ecstatic. It still remains one of the bounciest songs I remember from my childhood.

Electric Six - 'Gay Bar'

Hear me out. I've always loved this song because it's just completely ridiculous. The words, the video, everything is all weird. That;s I love. It's just ballsy. The song became kind of attached to me by accident in my friendship group for a while because my love for the song became known which led to my friend, Rachel, making a drawing of me for my birthday coming toe-to-toe with a Dalek who was blurting out 'I want to take you to a Gay Bar!' I still have this on my bedroom wall. My band also performed it at a Halloween gig in 2010 after much discussion. Our lead guitarist, Tom, fell through a door at the end of the song preceding it and, despite being on the floor in some pain, played the riff and we all joined in. Tom and I have also recorded and performed a slow acoustic version of the song after dicking about one lunchtime in the school recording studio! Good memories.

Coheed & Cambria - 'Welcome Home'

Everyone's had that experience a number of times when they hear a song for the first time and go 'WOAH'. Welcome Home was the song I still go 'WOAH' to despite having heard it over a million times and performed it over 10 times in the band I was in. I remember turning onto the Scuzz channel one day and seeing this song come on and just thinking how amazing it was. Seeing a wonderfully hairy Claudio Sanchez sing his heart out while a suspicious eye continually watched him was just amazing to me but the song was even more amazing. I remember being completely blown away by the guitar solo despite being 16 and having been in a band for a while at this stage. We ended up playing it, badly, in the band but it also led to a period in my life which became dominated by progressive metal music. Dream Theater, Porcupine Tree, Opeth and others suddenly became my main musical focus. We tried to bring that into the band as well but we were already started to break so it was in vain, sadly.

My Chemical Romance - 'Famous Last Words'

There was a time when I was a little bit in love with The Black Parade. However, sadly, I arrived to it too late. About 3 years too late to be precise. But I remember hearing the song and the album for the first time and being completely blown away by it. Again, quite Queen-esque in some of its songs it struck a chord with me automatically. But Famous Last Words holds a special place because of the role it played in the lead-up to my first break-up. Before my first girlfriend and I separated, this song happened to come onto shuffle one day and the lyrics suddenly gained a lot more meaning, especially when it says 'a love so demanding'. The relationship itself wasn't so demanding but it was the fact that the song, to me, talks about a love that's falling apart and that's what was happening at the time. Or so it seemed. I really did care about this girl but she was hurting me by ignoring me so it gave a lot of food for thought. It was actually talking things through with a friend and hearing this song at the youth club I used to attend that caused me to make the decision to be the bigger person and end it. In many ways, I'm glad I did because it hurt a lot at the time but the song now also conjures up happier times with this girl in my head which is a comfort now.

Queen - 'The Show Must Go On'

I know I've put Queen in this twice, but there is a reason. This song, as well as Bohemian Rhapsody, has made a lot of things clear in my head over the years. I first heard the song in 2008 and, ever since then, I've drawn a bit of a mantra from the song. The story behind the song helps with this as well. While recording it, Brian May wasn't sure if Freddie could sing it because, as you know or soon will do, it's a powerful song. Freddie took a shot of vodka and said "do it? I'll fucking nail it, darling" and preceded to do the whole song in 1 take. Despite his body being ravaged by AIDS, he managed to push himself and do what he wanted. So that's the mantra I take. If Freddie Mercury can sing his heart out with death lingering over him, I can do the thing. The song has also come into play with a decision over another break-up. I won't go into it too much as it's still a teeny bit raw despite it happening 4 years ago but when everything went down on that night, the song came on the radio. (The night it all ended, it happened to be the night before the 20th anniversary of Freddie Mercury's death) and it said to me that "it's ok, it will all work out". This remains to be seen but it still remains one of the most powerful songs I know. It definitely played a big role in the latter half of my formative years.

6 Honourable mentions:

Stevie Wonder - 'Higher Ground'

That wah-clav though. First heard this when I was very young but rediscovered it earlier this year.

Ricky Valance - 'Tell Laura I Love Her'

So, my Mum loves songs from her childhood and she showed me a load of them. This is the first song from that era I remember liking while listening to an old cassette while driving through Cornwall. Sad story about a guy trying to get the money to get his girlfriend a ring but dies in the process.

Rihanna - 'Umbrella'

I like this song more for irony than anything else. The year this song came out, the UK was hit by really bad storms and regional flooding. The summer was awful and consisted of mostly rain. The British media ironically blamed Rihanna for the bad weather and her need to promote umbrellas.

'Elvis Presley - In The Ghetto'

Another product of my upbringing. I could list a load of 50s/60s songs I adore so many of them it would take up A WHOLE LOT of room. Maybe I'll do another vlog for that. But I first heard this song when I was very young and I remember loving it ever since. My mum loves Elvis so I heard a lot of him growing up. The song is about a kid in a ghetto who struggle throughout his life until he becomes embroiled in a life of crime. It's also one of the few songs I can do in karaoke practically note-perfect.

Les Miserables - Come To Me

A choice from when I was 17. I was very lucky enough to be in my school's production of Les Miserables. I went into it completely blind but I ended up loving it. I still do. But out of all the songs in the musical, this one made me cry first. For two reasons. Firstly, the Fantine in our production was a wonderful young lady named Courtney and it was her song. The first time I heard the song and her sing it was during the first dress rehearsal when we all watched. Courtney sang it so well that I was streaming in tears (which annoyed my then girlfriend). But, in a bizarre twist, the bed Courtney was laying on collapsed after she sang "Tell Cosette I love her and I'll see her when I wake". We were in hysterics because of it but, being the pro she and the young man playing Valjean were, they didn't laugh until they were told they were allowed to. I now cannot hear this song being sung without distinctly remembering Courtney's voice in my head.

Bruce Springsteen - Born To Run

I can say with conviction that this is the first Springsteen song I heard as a kid. I remember Mum buying the greatest hits CD, putting it on and just immediately falling in love with it. Born To Run, as a song, is almost as bonkers as BoRap but it, in a way, flows better. This is also more consistently upbeat compared to BoRap too. The song still holds a soft spot in my heart for being the first Boss song I heard, despite it not being my favourite. That title is held by both Thunder Road and Streets Of Philadelphia. 

What would you choose for your tracks?

Next time, Desert Island Discs.