Hello everyone.
It's 2017 and, as per usual, I've been re-evaluating certain aspects of who I am.
Around the start of every year, I take a good hard look at myself in the bathroom mirror and I remember everything that's brought me to that point. I then look at those experience, how they've shaped me and whether or not the way I am at that present moment in time is compatible with the demands of that moment. While this might seem odd to most, for me, it's a good way to keep on top of life's challenges and the changes that life can throw at you.
But there's a sad truth I must confront in 2017. The idea of coping with the changes and challenges has ultimately failed me in 2016. Now this is down to many reasons but, I'm slowly learning that, I'm not as flexible as I once thought I was.
This is due to a number of reasons. Three close deaths last year, a turbulent Political year and a heck of a lot of personal changes. In 2016 I finished university, the comforts of full-time education, lost the support available to me at university and ended up in a job that, while I think it might be starting to get better, takes a toll. This weekend, alone, I've been very ill from a cold. Thankfully I had my partner with me to look after me.
On the flipside, I got a good degree, I moved into my first professional house, got a wonderful girlfriend and had a brilliant Christmas and New Year holiday.
But it doesn't detract from the main point that I'm not as sturdy as I once thought or, indeed, maintained.
I'm getting more easily irritated, my immune system is taking a hit from the commuting I do and the early mornings to get to work and I'm starting to feel slightly alienated from many aspects of my former life. While the new paradigm that's coming is wonderfully exciting, it's hard not to feel sad that I feel that many people from my old life are starting to fade away. Mum tells me this is perfectly normal and happens to everyone, but when have I ever let that fact stop me from complaining before?
Here's why this pisses me off more than anything.
As someone with Aspergers, I always wanted friends. Now, I was lucky in the fact that, at primary school, I was kind of invisible. Everyone spoke to me but, when you're that young, that's perfectly normal. But when secondary school comes, that all changes. In secondary school, the cliques become more obvious. In my experience, navigating this experience was difficult at best. Being in a situation where your friendship group at school consisted of a boy you'd been friends with since primary, a young man who you remembered from your first primary and a guy you just about tolerated.
I also knew that having friends was important. So, once I was outed as ASD and came to terms with it better, I tried very hard to make friends and keep them. Admittedly, this is tricky. Especially as people change. And I guess, in hindsight, I always put more of an effort in with a certain group of friends than another.
Most of my friends were in my hometown. And went to the secondary in that hometown. However, I did not attend that school. I went to the school in the next town over. Where I had a small group of friends but, as time wore on, there were only 3 or 4 I really considered my friends. Or, at least, people I could even come close to trusting. I only speak to one of them now as it happens.
But I put more effort into the friends group in my hometown. For many reasons. Primarily because I have more of a historical connection to them. Also, I just got on with them better, Can't argue further than that.
But it's this friendship group that I feel more alienated from. When I'm back home, it's great, We meet up, we catch up, we have a laugh. But, truthfully, It's been nearly a year and a half since any friend from home has come to visit me where I live. I have asked too.
That's not a dig, I'm sure there are a whole multi-verse of reasons. But I guess I'm struggling to come to terms with things changing once again. In fact, I kind of feel like Ed Sheeran when he sings Castle On The Hill. 'But these people raised me'. So to see them so far away as we all get older and have different goals and plans is hard.
One is struggling mental health and addiction.
One is planning to go to Australia for a while soon.
One is struggling with a new family dynamic.
One is a wife,
One is her husband.
One is in the next city over, studying a masters.
One is working in an old folks home.
One continues to be an artist and has just started being a model.
One doesn't enjoy his degree.
The fact of the matter is, we're all changing. And I have to adapt to that change too. It's time to recognise that the people I grew up with aren't always going to be there and nor will I always be there for them. And we must lay certain things to rest as a result. For the sake of sanity or because something has just naturally run its course.
Which brings me onto this blog.
The reason this one is called 'Famous Last Words' is because, as far as the blog is concerned, that's exactly what this is. I'm stopping this blog because it no longer fulfills the function in my life that it once did. I never think to contribute to it anymore and, if I do, I'm too tired anyway. It solves no useful purpose to me any longer and, while I know it has bought some people laughs, tears and moments of realization, it's best to leave it here while those feelings are still raw.
I'd like to say that it's been a hard decision for me to stop this blog but, actually, it's one of the easiest decisions I've ever made. And, certainly, THE easiest I've had to make recently. And I suppose if it was this easy to come to terms with that conclusion, maybe it really is a good thing it's coming to an end. What's the point in continuing something you don't enjoy anymore?
I've tried so many different ideas which I've deleted because they've been crap or they just aren't relevant but, to all those who have stuck with it and read my whinging over and over again, thank you. It really means a lot to me that you read all those ramblings and took some heart to them. I've told stories, given opinions, shared lyrics, poems, I've done lots. In the 5 or so years I've been running this damn thing, I've done more than I ever thought.
But now it's time to start.
So, if I'm going to finish this, I'm going to do it in a stereotypically flamboyant way. I want to send one last message through this thing for people to take heart to.
Here goes.
Realistically, the world is in a fucking dire place right now. Divisions are becoming clearer than they ever did before and we're at a point now where it looks like history might be starting to repeat itself. But we need to remember one thing.
Just because some dickhead in a wig tells you that Muslims or Mexicans are bad, just because some posh tweed-wearing idiot tells you that Europe is evil and just because someone tells you that LGBT+ people are evil, or that disabled people should be euthanised, it doesn't make it true. That's one opinion in a world of over 7 billion people and rising. Since when did one person speak for the whole world? These people are not Gods. They are humans trying to be Gods. And we rejected the idea of God as absolute a while ago.
Division can't last forever. Hatred cannot last for eternity and resentment will pass. Love will be the one thing that lasts.
I imagine, if she read this, my partner would make some argument suggesting that it's human nature to do all these things so we shouldn't fight it. I think the fact we've come this far and we're being pulled back to it speaks volumes. We have the capacity to overcome nature. We went to space, we've conquered the seas, we as humans can do literally anything we set our minds to. This is the 20th Century. Don't let these antiquated ideas keep us back and don't let them tear us apart. That's not what we're meant to be.
One day there will be a day where we will find a common unity to fall behind. (It'll probably be in front of a mushroom cloud but all the same). Don't let the ideas of old tear us apart and, as Ronnie Barker so eloquently put it in Porridge, DON'T LET THE BASTARDS GRIND YOU DOWN.
Thank you again so much for putting up with my ramblings. I would use my usual sign off but, it'd be a lie this time.
From me here at Writer's Block...goodbye.
